Clown Jewel

Eight things, true and otherwise, that Jewel has said:

1. "Sure, sex sells."

I've never seen Jewel in person, mind you, but I have seen her on TV, in the backstage area of an awards show. She was near Fiona Apple and not too far from Marilyn Manson. Watching her, I found it easy to see why she became a star. First of all, there are the breasts. And I do mean first of all. They precede her. They even precede her reputation. To focus on Jewel's breasts may be objectionable objectification, but hey, I'm not the one who has spent thousands of dollars ensuring that they're the most prominent feature of every photo and every video (cf. Sheryl Crow's mouth). The breasts, though, are only the beginning. There's the $8500 Versace gown she wore to the 1997 Grammys, the one that was nearly transparent and showcased the aforementioned breasts. There's the publicized alliance with makeup expert Kevyn Aucoin, who was hired to bring out the green in Jewel's eyes. Then there are the perfect bee-stung lips, the creamy skin, the perfect hair. You know something? Jewel's right. Sex does sell.

Penny for your thoughts... and that's our last offer
Penny for your thoughts... and that's our last offer

Details

7 p.m. Saturday, August 28. Ticket prices range from $18.75 to $26.75. Call 561-793-0445.
Coral Sky Amphitheatre, 6017 Sansbury's Way, West Palm Beach.

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2. "As a kid I was stuck on the idea that my worth was based on my ability to seduce the opposite sex. At 15, I was vamping it up. We are conditioned to believe that the pinnacle in life is romantic love. It was reading that changed me. I learned my humanity from Anaïs Nin, Bukowski, Pablo Neruda, and I became more focused on my mind."

And what a mind it is. As she struggles with heavy issues like love, identity, peace, and so forth, Jewel might want, every once in a while, to write a lyric that doesn't sound like it was Silly-Puttied from the pages of a college literary magazine. Her two albums, Pieces of You and Spirit, are the Fat Man and Little Boy of sensitive-girl idiocy, embarrassments that aren't quite mitigated by her striking beauty (see above) or her beautiful voice (see below).

Fat Man plus Little Boy, of course, equals "Fat Boy," the most embarrassing song from Jewel's largely embarrassing sophomore album, Spirit, which she will surely showcase at her show August28 in the Coral Sky Amphitheatre. The tale of a corpulent outcast who, try as he might, just cannot love himself, "Fat Boy" is so saccharine it could give a rat cancer at 50 paces. "Wouldn't it be nice /If I could melt myself like ice/Or outrun my skin/Just be pure wind."

Jewel doesn't say that. Her "protagonist," the titular Fat Boy, does. Compare Jewel's "Fat Boy" with Randy Newman's "Davy the Fat Boy." Which song does a better job of exposing the rationalizations that feed the abuse of obese children in our society? And which song is the work of a bubbleheaded do-gooder without the sense to edit herself?

Someone right now is probably writing a letter that begins, "Dear Woman-Hater" or "Dear Chauvinist Pig." Send it to someone else. Send it to Jesse Helms or Camille Paglia. They'll know what to do with it. I'll just look at it and feel like it's a mistake, and then go listen to all my Patti Smith and Chaka Khan and P.J. Harvey and Dusty Springfield and Ani DiFranco and Gladys Knight and Juliana Hatfield and Aimee Mann and Diamanda Galas records.OK?

3. "How often I've cried out in silent tongue to be saved from myself."

Actually, this is something Jewel didn't say. It's something she wrote, the opening line of "Silent Tongue," one of the shorter and consequently less objectionable poems in ANight Without Armor, the heinous collection of verse she published in 1998. The poems are heinous mainly because they offer up Jewel's words without Jewel's voice -- which is, truth be told, often a wonderful voice, full-throated and compelling, like Joan Baez with sex appeal or Judy Collins without the shrinking-violet fragility.

4. "I thought it was funny how seriously people took [Pieces of You]. You should never take the work of an 18-year-old that seriously."

OK, fine. Granted. But how about a 19-year-old? How about a 20-year-old? 22? 24? When can we start taking Jewel's work seriously, so she'll have to start taking the criticism seriously?

5. "I'm so sick of talking about myself."

Right there with you on this one, Jewel. So you slept in a van for a few nights back when you were a poor Alaskan child, and then you shot to stardom on the strength of your first record. Big deal. I once slept in a train station, and three years later when I called up to collect my major-label recording deal, the receptionist wouldn't put me through to the head of A&R. The nerve.

6. "A lot of people come to me, and they read the press on me, they don't listen to the record, and that's the most annoying thing on the planet. Because you guys are taking copies of copies. You don't have an original thought in your head."

Here are some original thoughts, so that any disgruntled fan who has the opportunity to write or speak to Jewel can avoid the dart of her derision:

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