Tillie Tooter Tattles

Exclusive! What was life really like for the heroic granny? Read her diary and find out!

The story of Tillie Tooter has gripped the nation. Stranded for three days in her wrecked car, lodged in a mangrove tree beneath the freeway, the 83-year-old grandmother survived on rainwater sucked from socks and tough-as-nails resolve. Tooter returned to her Century Village condo an octogenarian heroine, but even as Toyota rolled out a new Corolla and the media rolled out the red carpet, New Times sensed another tale had been left untold. Scouring the bushes underneath Interstate 595, we turned up this exclusive, handwritten account of her three harrowing days in August.

This is... Tillie Tooter's diary.

Saturday, August 12

Mark Poutenis

3:31 a.m. Oh geez... oh, Lordy, be... Don't know what hit me -- a black Z-28 or an IROC? Must've been an IROC. Damn kids! Good thing I'm not in a T-top, or I'd be toast. Tillie Tooter: Toasted. Much better off in Betty Sue. She's so feisty. Just a feisty ol' girl, hanging in like this. Aren'tcha Betty? Aren'tcha a feisty lil' Tercel, not letting that big bad IROC get you down? Awww, that's right, good girl. There, there.

4:57 a.m. Lost it -- talking to car again! HELP!! IS ANYONE OUT THERE?!

4:59 a.m. Ahhh... will have to sit tight a while. Tight is right, wedged in between the seat and door -- seat belt was really starting to chafe! Hmm... Think there's Vaseline Intensive Care hand lotion in the glove box? Should be in intensive care myself, what with bug bites. Ouch! Oh, goshdarnit, my back! Where's police or the highway patrol or the SWAT team when you need them? I've paid good tax money, now I want some help here! Is that too much to ask? Is that such a big request from an 83-year-old grandmother stuck in a swamp under the freeway? HELLO?!

11:19 a.m. Thank goodness for golf socks! Gearshift cozy doubles as nifty bota bag­ style water keeper! Superabsorbent, too. Mmm, not bad for sock water. Just gonna suck a few more drops out, then put back.

1:27 p.m. Parched from another rousing a capella medley of Tommy Dorsey tunes. Time for sip off socks. Hey, is that my cell phone ringing down there!

4:50 p.m. Famished! Could go for some yummy petroleum jelly, wish glove box were within reach. Montel's almost on -- wonder if psychic Sylvia Browne is guest? Granddaughter Lori always watches, maybe Sylvia will guide her to me!

5:51 p.m. Is that a whippoorwill, or my cell?! If only I had a hands-free model -- know it's Lori calling me! Sylvia, tell Lori I'm up in a fluffy tree! What is it, mangrove? Whatever, it's fluffy. Under the freeway. Oh, Sylvia, knew you'd guide her to me!

5:52 p.m. MOMMY!!

7:58 p.m. Raindrops keep fallin' on my head, cell phone will soon be going dead! Must try telepathy with sis -- Montel's not on in California for another two hours. Over here, under the freeway, in a swamp. Concentrate. Picture a fluffy tree. Come to me. Under the freeway, GODDAMN MORONS!

7:59 p.m. Very hungry. Hey -- is that a squirrel? Here, squirrelly, squirrelly... GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!

11:19 p.m. Finally found two slices of Freedent in bottom of bloodied white purse, hooray! Divided into bite-size portions to make last. Never going to get the blood out of pocketbook, though. Should've splurged on Shout wipes. Live 83 years, and this is what you learn!

Number of times honked horn 18, screams for help 75, licks of Halls lozenge 13, calories 9.

Sunday, August 13

2:00 a.m. Refuse to sleep for fear of snakes -- Eww! Halls almost gone. In dark can barely make out what's left of the lozenge, my precious jewel. Must fight urge to crunch it!

3:39 a.m. Still haven't crunched the cough drop. It's paper-thin now. Ouch! Sharp, too! Must be careful not to cut my tongue and bleed to death. Better put back in wrapper.

3:48 a.m. Horrible thought: What if snake eats lozenge!?

7:02 a.m. Decided cough drop was snake bait, finally crunched it, now licking wrapper but mouth getting dry. Rain, rain, don't go away, goddammit! Water level in the steering wheel cover/reservoir dangerously low! Sopped up tears with golf socks and sucked them -- very salty.

1:22 p.m. Too weak to sing, hummed a few bars of "In the Mood." In the mood for Freedent! Only one gum ration left. Had I known I'd be here so long, wouldn't have scarfed down that whole peppermint yesterday. Am a little woozy, like those guys stranded on Everest, only without oxygen tanks. They survived, and they weren't even from Brooklyn!

1:23 p.m. Are there squirrels on Everest?

1:24 p.m. What about snakes?

4:41 p.m. Found button in bloodied white purse, sucking on it to produce saliva. Read that in Redbook years ago. Mmm, tastes... minty.

5:22 p.m. If close eyes, button sort of like a Halls, but no danger of snapping it with overzealous sucking action. Who knew a button could be so satisfying?

7:57 p.m. Button sucks!! Can't produce a goddamn drop of saliva! Dried out and ready to pass on, but want to hold out as plenty of TV-movie material here if ever get rescued. Thinking of the older lady from Facts of Life for moi, Melissa Rivers as Lori, and Montel, of course, as himself.

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