Tillie Tooter Tattles

Exclusive! What was life really like for the heroic granny? Read her diary and find out!

9:19 p.m. Creepy critters everywhere. Ick! Toot-toot-tooter, don't cry... Toot-toot-tooter, goodbye.... Oh, what's the use?! I'm gonna die alone in my Tercel in a tree under the freeway! COVERED IN SNAKE BITES!

Number of times honked horn 0 (battery dead), screams for help 0 (what's the point?) licks of Halls lozenge 514, calories 7 (mostly from Freedent).

Monday, August 14

5:11 p.m. Sick and tired of goddamned big band! Nothing left for me anymore. Almost choked on button, put back in bloodied white purse and found Publix receipt. Knewshe didn't give me back the right change! No matter now. Just going to jot farewell note:

Dear Lori:

I've tried to hang in there, but I just can't go on sucking the tears from my socks. I've crunched my last Halls. Time to say...

Wait... what's that?

5:13 p.m. Oh, sweet Jesus! OHHHH, what a feelin'! Knew I was saved when that handsome young Justin Vanelli saw my toes wiggling. Hallelujah! Ouch, itchy all over!

7:22 p.m. Rescued, reunited with Lori, now haggling with Toyota. They sprang for a new Corolla (blue book: $16,500) but are refusing to give Justin one. Cheap bastards! He's only 15, but he's gonna need wheels. Thinking Leo Di Caprio for the part of Justin.

7:23 p.m. Ouchie! Itchy all over!

8:22 p.m. On a Tooter roll! Reege, Geraldo, Larry, and that pill Katie Couric called. Halls recalled Cool Ice lozenges after Inside Edition safety report. Special postseason episode of Survivor -- "Terror Under Florida Interstate 595" -- airs next week. Can't wait!!

8:28 p.m. Tiger's Nike people on fence re: line of survival golf socks, but Lifesavers endorsement promising, once the shiner clears up.

9:55 p.m. Freedent sent huge bouquet; Halls sent nothing. Cheap bastards! As Justin would say, fuck 'em! Stretch limo waiting, stocked with Evian-soaked socks, seedless grapes and crystal dish of buttons -- very funny.

Number of times honked horn 44 (in delirious tantrum, forgot battery's dead), screams for help 3 (muffled by sobs), licks of button 2513.

Thursday, August 24

Network interviews 67 (very good), book deals/endorsements 3 (1 for Justin).

10:10 a.m. Still busy as a bee! Dinner with the Daves this week: Cronenberg wants me to star in Crashsequel; Matthews discussing big-band remix of "Crash." Justin formed a new boy band, Florida Bush Hog Society, and is dating Britney what's-her-name. Rear-end me, baby, one more time!

Tillie's totals: new cars 1, new phones 1, new GPS systems 1, calories 3788 (hospital food never tasted so good!), licks of Halls lozenge 0 (kidding!).

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