OK, we all know UFOs have been visiting Earth pretty much since people have existed. What? You mean you didn't know that? Get with the program, chump, and quit playing patsy to the government.
According to Michael El-Legion, international director of the Extra-Terrestrial Communications Network, not only are we often visited by interstellar tourists, we are descended from other-worldly beings. The aliens that we count as our ancestors have been dropping by for years to offer peace, love, and all the other mushy stuff. Meanwhile other space folk have been visiting with more ominous intentions.
"The Zeta Riticuli, the "grays,' their bodies are atrophying," El-Legion maintains. "They feel that the human species lends a certain genetic strength they cannot offer themselves. They're one bad apple in the cosmic barrel."
These grays -- the beings most people picture when aliens are mentioned -- have large black eyes and no nose. They abduct people and run a gamut of tests on them. Luckily for us, good-guy, human-appearing E.T.s have technology that far surpasses even that of the interstellar mad-scientist grays. And, natch, the U.S. government has been aware of both groups' scientific methods for years. "Our government has been working with the grays because it has no moral standards," El-Legion says.
He claims that our sinister government is aware of perpetual-motion and antigravity technologies that could halt our dependence upon fossil and nuclear fuels, thus ending everything from hunger to war. Of course Big Oil and other interests closely linked with the Establishment make sure the information never falls into the public's hands.
And the rabbit hole gets deeper. Before the fall of Atlantis, we were much more like our cosmic ancestors, equipped with neat tricks like telepathy that go along with that heritage. "Since Atlantis, 85 percent of our brains have been shut down," El-Legion says. Despite the tragedy of most humans losing their psychic powers, it's still easy to tell if you have a large amount of "star-person" DNA in you. Brad Steiger, a UFO researcher, came up with 34 points that can determine if an individual qualifies, among them: unusual blood type, lower-than-normal body temperature and blood pressure, extra vertebrae and ribs, and often noting that the time is 11:11 when glancing at a digital watch or clock.
If this describes you, prepare for big changes. "The Mayan calendar says in 2012 we are going to experience a mass cleansing on this planet," El-Legion claims. This cleansing, he believes, will happen when the human-appearing E.T.s reveal their presence to the masses. If you just can't wait, the conspiracy theorist gives a speech on suppressed photographic evidence and documentation of human contact with E.T.s at Denny's, a place where inedible food somehow disappears from plates. The truth is out there.