Don’t Get Holidazed!

Dear Ol' Dad
As kids you and your siblings were ballbusters. You nearly drove your parents completely mad. When your mom said she was washing her hands of you troublemakers, dad didn't agree with her plans to ship you off to boarding school in Newark, New Jersey. Instead, he sent her off on a European shopping spree and took you guys to Disney World, saying that the only way to calm you down was to let you loose. When your mother insisted you all get jobs for the summer, dear ol' dad sent you to sleepaway camp. Now that you're adults, not much has changed. Your deadbeat brother still lives at home. He's 36. Your sister decided to drop out of Harvard in favor of clown camp. While mom's out on a week-long tour of America's outlet malls, your dad still remains the voice of reason, standing by your side with nary a word of discontent. God bless him. Isn't it time you gave dad a break? For once, let him be the ballbuster at Cal Ripken's Grapefruit League baseball fantasy camp where he'll play with--and be treated like--the pros. It's the least you can do, plus it'll lighten the blow when you tell him and mom that you're quitting your well-paying job and joining the Peace Corps.
800-486-0850,
www.ripkenbaseball.com

Full-Time Mom
You know those girls in college who said they aspired to be a full-time mom? Remember how much you laughed at them? As if being a full-time office slave is any better. Life isn't like the Brady Bunch, you know. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have an Alice. Motherhood doesn't come with an instruction book either. Mothers, most of them anyway, are selfless, tireless warriors who put up with more crap--literally and figuratively--than most plumbers. If you know such a woman, it's time to sign her up for Camp Mom, a three-day getaway in the San Bernadino Mountains in Southern California for women who don't know what it's like to take time out for themselves. During the camp, mom will indulge in arts and crafts, yoga, water aerobics, self enrichment "feminars', fun, games and lots of R& R. The only downside: Mom may never want to come back.
Camp Mom, $239,
www.campgetaway.com

Beleaguered Worker
Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living. Time to make the donuts. Back to the grind. My boss is an ass*ole. I don't wanna work, I wanna bang on the drum all day. The computer guy is a communist. They read my emails. I hate my job. I want to quit. My coworkers are conspiring against me. Heard enough from your overworked, overwhelmed workaholic? Since quitting isn't an option for them, convince the corporate slave that, besides Prozac, the Office Voodoo Kit is the path to peace in the office, giving new meaning to the concept of being pinned down.
$9.95, Pink Palm Company,
737 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach,
305-538-8373, www.pinkpalm.com

Neo-Jet Setter
They have more frequent flier miles than they know what to do with, but for good reason: They'd rather pitch a tent in their backyard than get on a plane these days. But when wanderlust prevails, there's no Benadryl to cure the itch to explore. Don't even think about suggesting Amtrak or Greyhound to them either. It sure ain't the Concorde. But rather than endure the torture of endless whining about having to get the hell out of town, consider making a very wise--and chic--investment in an Airstream trailer, an American relic almost as iconic as Elvis. Fabulously revamped by designer Christopher Deam, the new Airstream is the Lear jet of road trips, a 16-foot silver bullet designed to shine on the open road, even if it happens to be located on some gritty, dusty one in the middle of nowhere. There's a reason they call these things land yachts.
$25,000, 937-596-6111,
www.airstream.com

Arty Athlete
For most serious athletes, Just For Feet is as close to a museum as they get. For those with an eye toward more than just touchdowns, baskets and goals, Nike has come up with the ultimate spike cross trainer hybrid whose design was inspired not by the physique of Venus and Serena Williams, but, rather Frank Gehry's Guggenheim and Calatrava's bridge in Bilbao, Spain. The graceful curves of the new Air Max Specter is worthy of a place in a museum, really. But the sneaker's most impressive masterpiece is the high-performance mid-sole construction--a stiff plate likened to the chassis of a race car. Take that, Air Jordan.
$125, www.nike.com

Lost Soul
Everyone knows one. They're in your life one day and out the next. No, not a one-night stand, but those people who just pick up and leave without telling anyone where, when and why they're going. Sometimes these people owe you money. Sometimes they owe you child support. Whatever they owe you, they feel they don't owe you an explanation every time they feel like skipping town for a Star Trek convention in Peoria. What to do? Short of installing a human LoJack system on them, the Wherify Personal Location System is a watch that's wired with a Global Positioning System receiver, an alphanumeric pager and a digital telephone transceiver designed to track anyone, anywhere. All you do is call the location center or check out www.wherify.com to find out where that s.o.b. disappeared to.
$300, www.wherify.com

Ring Leader
You know who you are. You're the one who always forgets to turn off your cell phone in the movie theater, the concert hall and, if you're really rude, in business meetings. Your annoying ring can be heard from miles away because the volume is way up, so you won't miss a single call. Do us a favor, please, ask--no beg--for Siemens' first foray into the cursed cellular world. Pleasing on the eye--it's a high- tech, sleek silver model--the S40 is even more pleasing on the ear as it allows you to use its tone composer to create your own ringer melody. Consider a soothing tune off of, say Sade's Lovers' Rock or, for God's sake, even a New Age composition by Yanni would be better than that drone that your current phone wails out every time you receive a call. In addition to that feature, the phone also runs on GSM networks, which means that your ring will be heard anywhere in the world. That's certainly music to your ears. If we can't convince you to toss your phone into the ocean, make it less torturous for the rest of us and get this phone. Now.
$199-$379, Cingular stores or
www.siemenscordless.com

Blind-Sighted
Despite the fact that people still insist on wearing their sunglasses at night--a ghastly habit left over from the 80s--others prefer to just lose their specs. Literally. Keeping them on your head can give you a migraine, but you'd rather lose the glasses than wear them around your neck like your grandmother does. Until now. La Loop has crafted an uber-fashionable version of the granny chain out of 44 fabulous materials including red Venetian glass and Chinese yellow jade beads. These chains (from $135) may be more expensive than your cheap, knockoff Gucci glasses, but it's worth the investment, because, faux or real, lost glasses can add up to a fortune.
877-505-1500

Insomniac
It's 3 a.m. The phone rings. "Are you alseep?" You were, thank you very much, until your token insomniac brought you out of dreamland to commiserate that he just can't sleep. No matter how hard he tries. He's read Valley of the Dolls forty times and, upon your suggestion, he's resorted to his own sleep-inducing dolls--thank heavens for Tylenol P.M.--but nothing seems to work anymore. And it's keeping you up too. Don't lose sleep over whether or not to change your phone number. Instead, try a natural sleep remedy such as valerian root, an herbal supplement with sedative characteristics that will have your friend knocked out faster than an 80-pound weakling up against Mike Tyson.
30 pills, $7, all GNC stores.

Snaggle-Tooth
The spaces between your friend's teeth are Popeye's dream come true. A spinach-trapping hotbed of leftovers from her last meal. What to do short of ordering your friend never to eat leafy vegetables or pepper again? Try Japanese designer Chidoriya's darling little toothpick holder and mirror encased in lovely kimono fabric. It's discreet enough to pull out after dinner for a quick inspection and there's no need to rely on bent straws or matchbooks to pry out the particles in question.
$16, 877-613-2207

Traveling Wilbury
Regardless of the situation, they still schlep all over the place via plane. Good for them. But due to increased security, it's likely that their well-packed bags will be the object of a careful search (at least we hope so). They may even be forced to leave their Swiss Army-made travel kit at the gate. This wouldn't happen if your fave traveler carried the Hello Kitty Vacation Travel Container Set, which includes benign, yet whimsical, plastic necessities such as a soap case, a toothbrush case and three plastic bottles of varying sizes in which to store their most necessary youth- enhancing creams and salves.
$12, Sanrio Surprises, 8000 W Broward Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-475-8811;
801 N Congress Ave, Boynton Beach,
561-731-2201

The Follically Endowed
If we took all the hair off the backs of ungroomed men everywhere, we'd probably have enough hair to wipe out male pattern baldness. And while this theory is indeed too good to be true, individuals can take action and at least make their own walking Chia Pet's back as smooth as a baby's you-know-what with the Emjoi Beauty Forever Hair Remover, a nifty device that eliminates unwanted hair with radio energy that destroys it at its uncontrollable source--the root. To get to the root of this matter ever so meticulously, there's even a 24 karat gold plated tweezers to grip those pesky single hairs that just won't budge. If the thought of radio energy ripping out his hair is too much for the big guy to handle, liquor him up with a few cocktails and take him straight to Avalon Centers for some smooth sailing vis a vis a full back wax. FYI: they do other parts of the body too.
Beauty Forever Hair Remover,
$69.95, Sharper Image,
2542 E Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-566-2772;
276 Town Center, Boca Raton,
561-392-1977; www.sharperimage.com
Avalon Centers, 3351 Galt Ocean Dr.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-564-4229

Gym Bunny
It's Friday night. Do you know where your best friend is? While you're knocking back mojitos at happy hour, your regimented, obsessive pal is, without fail, sweating bullets in the gym, working off the calories consumed when the #*$&$%&^ guy at Starbucks failed to use fat-free milk in her latte. Since you know you're not gonna get her taut ass out of the gym anytime soon in favor of a late-night binge of cheese fries and buffalo wings at Denny's, you may as well invest your money in a gift she's going to use. Over and over and over again. The Body Fat Analyzer/Scale measures the body fat percentage in addition to total weight in pounds and kilograms (it's a psychological thing). Perhaps it can work to your benefit, too, when you finally have proof that vodka really is fat-free.
$99.95, Sharper Image,
2542 E Sunrise Blvd., Fort Lauderdale,
954-566-2772;
276 Town Center, Boca Raton,
561-392-1977; www.sharperimage.com

Cinemaniac
Your dear cinemaniac has seen every movie known to man--even Mariah Carey's dreadful Glitter. To miss a movie is worse than missing your own mother's birthday. And the obsession is not just confined to the theater. However, if it's not the theater, the living room, or someplace where they're showing a movie, the cinemaniac just won't go. To get the cinemaniac out of the celluloid cave, try baiting him or her with the Mobile Video Traveler, a 5-and-1/2-inch monitor screen, video player, carrying case and DC adapter that can be hooked up to any cigarette lighter in any car--the backseat, please. Sure, you'd have to drive, but it's better than you being driven crazy at home by a flick-obsessed hermit, isn't it?
$699.95, Sharper Image,
2542 E Sunrise Blvd., Fort Lauderdale,
954-566-2772;
276 Town Center, Boca Raton, 561-392-1977;
www.sharperimage.com

American Girl
Forget Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Prada and Gucci. It's time you start buying American. Help your girl earn her fashion stars and stripes with this patriotic clutch by Fuchi Mama. A demure 9-by-5 inches, this fabulous piece of Americana is made of denim and is emblazoned with a hand-sequined and beaded American flag. You don't have to be Lee Greenwood to prove that you're proud to be an American, girl.
$73, www.girlshop.com

Germphobe, His and Hers
They've seen all the specials on Dateline about the ghastly levels of E-Coli in the gym, at salad bars and, gag, public toilets. They buy antibacterial hand lotion in bulk quantities from Costco. They can never be too clean. But sadly, their cleanliness prevents them from getting down and dirty in the boudoir. This holiday season, give them something that will wash away their paranoia, albeit temporarily. Liquid Personalities' Stud Muffin Hand Soap adds a macho, manly twist to the overly floral scents of most hand soaps. For more incentive to wash, Safe Soap is a bar of pure glycerin, but once you lather up, in the middle of the bar is a condom. Sort of like the prize in a cereal box, only to get to this prize, you needn't soil your hands. On the otherhand....
Stud Muffin Soap, $7.95;
Safe Soap, $8.95,
Pink Palm Company,
737 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach,
305-538-8373,
www.pinkpalm.com

Nature Freak
The nature freak cries when someone accidentally steps on an ant. And God forbid you kill a fly. For every bug you've crushed, consider making up for it by buying the earthy one a dozen butterflies from Miami's very own Butterfly Mystique. To top it off, why not throw in two thousand ladybugs for good luck? If you step on one, at least there's 1999 left.
Dozen butterflies, $75; ladybugs,
$14.95/2000, Butterfly Mystique,
22601 SW 152nd Ave., Miami,
305-242-BUGS

Superstitious Fashion Plate
Relying on good, old-fashioned lady luck just isn't enough for your terminally trendy friend. Put a label on the luck, and now you're talking. Enhance her good fortune--while depleting yours--with haute couturier Marc Jacobs' Multi Charm Bracelet, a delicate little silver number with dice, fruit and hearts. Sure, it looks like you bought it at the five and dime, but your friend will absolutely love it when she sees who made it. Besides, who ever said good luck came cheap?
$75, Scoop New York, 212-535-5577

Savvy Traveler
Louis Vuitton luggage is so Reagan era. Help the savvy traveler toss out his or her excessive baggage in favor of a sleek and chic suitcase designed by the Don Corleone of minimalism, Philippe Starck. Although it won't help you score a room at the Delano, this Starckian spin on the classic Samsonite will definitely earn its carrier status in the Wallpaper magazine club of trendy travel.
From $195, www.retromodern.com

Fly Roller
Last year's scooter is just taking up space in the living room and the rollerblades? Those are now being used as flower vases. There's nothing wrong with improvisational multifunctioning, which is why the roller sneakers were invented. If you feel like walking or sprinting, you can. If you feel like rolling, just pop out the retractable wheel located in each heel and make like Olivia Newton John in Xanadu as passersby muse at your nifty footwear. When you tire of them, attach them to the legs on your coffee table.
$80-$110, www.heelys.com

Granola Chick
She'll only shop at Wild Oats and won't wear leather. Even her toilet paper is made of organic material. What to get the girl who cries when she sees a tangelo because she thinks it's an unnatural cross breeding of earthly goods? How about Kalani Organic Coffee, a perky, all-natural pick- me-up that's proven to be just that by the Ralph Nader of websites that investigates all the claims of responsibly made merchandise? If she's against caffeine, the website's got a host of all-natural, unfettered products from soap to nuts.
Coffee, $11, www.ethicalshopper.com

Slut
The word slut is not gender-specific. While men take it as a compliment, women are offended. Or are they? Whatever the case, treat your favorite slut to a swank Smythson of Bond Street Visitor Book bound in goatskin, not latex, in which everyone who passes through his or her boudoir can sign their name, proving they were there. It also helps the more forgetful sluts to remember the names of those they've bedded when compiling those inevitable "lists."
$330, 1-877-SMYTHSON or
[email protected]

Jordache Girl
She was a Barbie girl in a Barbie world a few years ago. But now she's too old for those plasticine prissies. So she's a spoiled brat with an attitude. She'll grow out of it. In the meantime, she likes her dolls to have attitude, just like her. Which is why Jordache has created the Fashion Attitude Dolls (FAD), each with its own identity and, this is no joke, oversized head. Although their heads are in no way proportion to their skinny little bodies, there's something endearing about these dolls. Perhaps it's the ease with which you can rip their heads off. Nonetheless, we're sure the girls will love these dolls, if not for their big heads, for their keen, Jordache- brand of fashion sense.
$19.99, KB Toys, 2374 E Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-561-9209;
10300 W Forest Hill Blvd.,
West Palm Beach, 561-784-1536;
www.kbkids.com

Expectant Mom
Who can forget the stir caused by a preggers Demi Moore when she posed half-naked for the cover of Vanity Fair? While some folks found it more offensive than Roseanne's nudie spread in Playboy, many people rallied to Moore's swollen side, harping on the beauty of naked pregnant women. If you know someone who's expecting, consider capturing the abdominal anticipation with a special maternity photo session. Heck, it's practically the only time in a woman's life when it's okay to be fat and bloated, so why not?
$45 for a session, Cabrera Photography,
12371 S Dixie Hwy., Miami, 305-255-9922

New Mom
You're not a shrink, so you can't prescribe her a lifetime supply of mood-altering drugs, but the next best thing to soothe the postpartum stress is the Forty Weeks Special Momease Essential Comfort Kit in which pampering holds an entirely different, mess-free meaning. Designed in consultation with an OB/GYN, this kit contains a refreshing Wake Up Call shower gel with rosemary mint, eucalyptus and grapefruit, hand lotion with lemongrass, sage, Vitamins A and E, all-over body reconditioning oil with marigold and chamomile (she just popped out a human being, after all), Reflections for a New Mother journal (in which her private thoughts, including "Remind me again, "Why did I forget to take my birth control pills?'" remain just that), and, finally, Lullabies for a New Mother CD--calming piano music that was composed to help her block out the impending sounds of Barney the Dinosaur. All of the above come in a lovely zippered pouch, which can be taken with her when she leaves you with the baby and escapes for a weekend at her mother's house where she can be the baby just one last time.
$52, Nordstrom, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com

Golf Wimp
If you know someone whose swing is a bit weak and foreplay is a major struggle, don't get him golf lessons, get him some balls! That's right, now you can purchase Tiger Woods' championship balls with this limited-edition set of 12. Made by Nike and not Mr. and Mrs. Woods, the balls come in a decorative tin with sleeves highlighting various tourneys that Tiger, of course, won.
$40, Nordstrom, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com

Stretch Armstrong
Even if your guy's closest thing to the Tour de France took place in Epcot, humor him and convince him that Lance has nothing on him by adorning his wrist with the Limited-Edition Lance Armstrong Compass Watch, just like the one Lance used as he pedaled his way to cycling history. Despite the fact that your Lance wannabe thinks that cycling ten times around the block is worthy of a medal, let him think he's charting his own course to victory with this watch that comes complete with digital compass (should he get lost in the neighborhood), altitude meter (because South Florida is so full of hills and mountains), weather mode (now that's handy!), temperature sensor, data recall, ski run chronograph, seven alarms (time to pick up the Pollo Tropical!), calendar information (your birthday, anniversary, menstrual cycle), and two time zones, because God knows he's always zoning out. Better yet, should he work up a sweat on his bike, the watch is water-resistant and, if he's late for your dinner date once again, it's also scratch resistant.
$235, Nordstrom, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com

Beauty Sleeper
To this person, suffering from insomnia is as likely as catching the West Nile Virus. One percent, if that. No matter where she is, whether it's in the middle of Penn Station at rush hour or in her apartment where her neighbors are blasting Ramenstein, she sleeps like a baby. How does she do it, you wonder, as you look at the clock and it reads 4:30 a.m.? Don't lose any more sleep trying to figure it out. Just get yourself some Tylenol P.M.. and forget about it. As for the perfect gift for this sleeping beauty, well, any one of three satin eyeshades will do, we suppose. There's Dream, Bombshell and Princess. Too bad there's not one for you that reads Zombie.
$24, Nordstrom, 5820 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-620-5555;
www.nordstrom.com

Wannabe Rock Star
Her chances of getting a record deal are slim shady to none, but despite the grim reality, this person wouldn't think twice about trying out for Star Search or whatever reality show out there that claims to hook the winner up with the godfather of Britney and Backstreet, Lou Pearlman. Talented or not, humor the songstress with the Singing Machine, a tidy, portable karaoke machine that plays 80 pop, rock and R&B CDs while displaying the song lyrics on a seven inch video screen that's so foolproof even a wacked-out Whitney Houston can't mess up the words to "Greatest Love of All."
$199, Toys R Us; 650 University Dr.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-451-0464; www.toysrus.com

Unsatisfied Girlfriend
She complains to you incessantly that you don't fulfill her needs. You have no clue what she wants. You've read everything John Gray has ever written. You've even secretly subscribed to both Rosie and Oprah magazines. Still, the answer to what women want is as much a mystery as the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa. Therefore, short of throwing your gal to the curb, the only solution is this: Get her the DVD of What Women Want, that ridiculous movie starring a chunky Mel Gibson and a bland- as-melba-toast Helen Hunt. Huh? Think of it this way, the movie doesn't make any more sense than your girlfriend's rantings, so at least this flick is some proof that no one, not even Hollywood and a formerly hunky Mel Gibson, has a clue what women want.
Best Buy, 12301 W Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-423-1999;
20540 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-477-5367; www.bestbuy.com

Club Kid
Don't feel bad for the clubkid who whines that no one understands his or her way of life. They love the nightlife, they've got to boogie. They're not the only ones. Show your support for their nocturnal lifestyle by proving that, for other people, too, there is Life After Dark, a comprehensive coffee-table book showcasing celebrities--what, you thought real people had exciting nightlives?--partying down over the past three decades.
$30, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-340-3309;
9887 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Easy Rider
A Harley is way too intimidating and a Vespa, well, too Ricky Martin. So how about buying your biker babe something that's butch enough for Queen Latifah, but tame enough for Justin Timberlake? Thanks to Buell Motorcycles, such a toy exists in the form of the Blast, a $4,000 beauty that's also good enough for fly guy Lenny Kravitz. For the novice driver, there's even a Rider's Edge program that will toughen up any softie who still needs training wheels.
www.buell.com

Label Whore
She has no qualms spending $80 on a T-shirt as long as some haute couture label is loudly emblazoned on it, but she fails to see the need to spend $5 on a cab ride home even if it means walking a few miles in her masochistic Manolo Blahnik stilettos. She'll even admit that she delved into Ashtanga yoga when she discovered, thanks to In Style magazine, that Madonna is a devout fanatic. And while she'll complain that her yoga classes are a bit pricey, she wouldn't flinch when she hears that this Gucci yoga mat costs $870. In fact, she'll be more than happy to remain in the Lotus position for hours as long as she's contorting herself on this stylish mat on which the yin and yang of label whores--the Gucci logo--is repeated more times than she can say "ohm." And because yoga certainly works up a major sweat, she'll certainly need a water bottle to quench her thirst. Gucci makes one of those, too. It's only $80. Don't even think of hiding that article in which the dudes from Dolce and Gabbana praise the wonders of jump roping. Though they haven't yet made a D&G jump rope, Gucci has. It's only $120 and comes in a stylish case. And you thought your fancy cross trainers were a bit extravagant.
Gucci, 256 Worth Ave., Palm Beach,
561-655-6955

Paranoid Pal
No dosage of prescription drugs can relieve this person of the anxiety of believing that everyone and everything is out to get him. He's a prisoner of his own paranoia and walks through life as if it were a never-ending scene in some horror flick starring Jamie Lee Curtis in which every step may be his last. He had to get rid of his dog because he thought the fleas were really a form of FBI wire-tapping. The last time you rang his bell, you heard blood- curdling shrieks coming from inside. Apparently he thought you were coming to take him away. The men in the white suits tried that route, but it didn't work. Give your plagued friend a small sense of security in the form of Philips' Mini wired color security camera, which can be mounted anywhere, from the basement to the backyard. At least if Jason really comes to get him, he'll be able to recognize the hockey mask in advance and prepare to panic accordingly.
$59.99, Target, 3200 N Federal Hwy.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach,
561-265-3500; www.target.com

'Nsyncophant
No matter how hard you try, you just don't understand what the big deal is about 'NSync. But who are you to criticize teenage fanaticism? After all, you did have that big poster of Michael Jackson circa Thriller in your bedroom, and don't even deny it. Would you rather your little girl worship Marilyn Manson? Sure, it's a problem when girls take tests in school and respond to "Who was the 37th president of the United States?" with "Justin Timberlake is a hottie!", but leave the little girls alone. Sooner or later they will grow out of this and wonder, just as you did with Michael Jackson, what they ever saw in the boyz. In the meantime, indulge your little miss in her perfect teenage fantasies with the 'Nsync Hotline computer game, featuring oodles and oodles of exclusive pix of the guys bolstered by voice and video clips--insert screams of delight here--from each and every one of them. It's almost as if they're talking to you! Don't worry, eventually the CD ROM will warp and the boys will sound like Metallica on acid--that was redundant--and the girls will never want to hear them again. You hope.
$34.99, Target, 3200 N Federal Hwy.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach,
561-265-3500; www.target.com

TV Junkie
If your significant other would rather watch reruns of the Golden Girls than have sex, we suggest you see a therapist. But if therapy is not an option and the only way to turn him or her on is via remote control, then Ultimate TV is the inevitable solution. Sort of. Not only can you record up to 35 hours of programming, no tapes required, but you can even tape two shows at once. Imagine that! In case nature--or your own neglected needs--should call, the vidiot can even pause live television, ensuring that not one moment of laugh track is missed. Even scarier, this gizmo allows the viewer to surf the Web and interact directly with a favorite show. This could be your ticket to salvation, because if Gilligan and co. were rescued immediately there'd never have been an entire series, would there? Hmmm.
$449.99, Sony Directv receiver with
Ultimate TV, wireless keyboard,
Circuit City, 801 S University Dr.,
Plantation, 954-424-7600; 1200 Linton Blvd.,
Delray Beach, 561-274-6900;
www.circuitcity.com

Barbie Girl
Before Britney there was Barbie, the timeless beauty who still has no clue that her boyfriend Ken is gay. And if you know someone who still believes in Santa and has no clue that Ken is a friend of Dorothy's, the Barbie Nutcracker is a dream come true. Before those of you who know better start cracking lewd jokes, this full-length feature film--Barbie's first--isn't something found in the Adult Only section of your local video store, but, rather, a perky spin on the Tchaikovsky classic.
$14.99, Best Buy, 12301 W Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-423-1999;
20540 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-477-5367; www.bestbuy.com

Cheap Date
He's a good catch, you insist, with a job, excellent manners, a sense of humor and a full head of hair. Somehow you always seem to leave out the fact that he's a tightwad. While your mother insists you dump him immediately, you know that Miami isn't exactly a hotbed of quality dates, so you decide you'll keep him around for the time being. While he hardly deserves a gift this holiday season--you'll be lucky if you emerge with a $10 bottle of imitation Chanel No. 5--there is something you can get him that will be more of a gift to yourself than him. The AMC Night at the Movies deal includes 2 tickets, 2 popcorns and 2 drinks all for $25. Who could forget the last time you guys went to the theater and you were so hungry you were about to scrape up the squashed Sour Patch Kids from the gnarly floor?
AMC Theaters, Sheridan Plaza 12,
4999 Sheridan St., Hollywood 954-987-4680;
AMC South Dade 8 Theaters, 18591 S Dixie Hwy.,
Miami 305-238-5795;
www.amctheaters.com

Big Baby
You'd be surprised to discover just who still sleeps with a teddy bear. That hot guy pumping iron at the gym? He does. The woman whose silicone implants are so massive there's practically no room left in her bed for anything/anyone? Yup, she does too. And because parting is such sweet sorrow when it comes to dumping a beloved stuffed animal, not to mention because you may be feeling a bit neglected lately, the Build A Bear Workshop, a place which uses the word "beary' almost as much as the word "the' is used in the English language, prides itself on being a place where best friends are made. Your dear friend loves you very much, we're sure, but she has a special place in her heart for her teddy bear. Create a custom-made teddy bear in your own likeness and hopefully she will adore you as much as you had hoped. But don't expect your beary good friend to dump her teddy and, instead, don one for you, her very needy, life-sized teddy bear any time soon.
$10-$25, Build A Bear Workshop,
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens,
561-630-7734; www2.buildabear.com

Mr. or Mrs. Magoo
Who could forget the time when your most-myopic friend substituted olive oil with Murphy's Oil during that gastronomically disastrous dinner party? While she still may be no Julia Child, prevent future poisonings and other assorted disasters by hooking her up with the pros at Eyewear4U2C (in case you can't see, it's Eyewear for you to see), where her oversights--or undersights, rather--can be cured by a revolutionary technique using lasers, which makes us wonder: If laser surgery cures the ills of sight, why do they call it La-sik?;
Eyewear 4U2C, www.noblur.com,
910 Powerline Rd., Pompano Beach,
866-U2CNOW

Prissy Pup
If your dog was in a beauty contest against Joan Rivers', there'd be no contest. After all, the do say that, in time, owners begin to resemble their pets. But looks aside, your pooch is so pristine, you couldn't imagine putting her in any schlock available exclusively on QVC. As a result, Tea Cups Puppies has come up with a fabulous faux pearl necklace with rhinestones that looks as if its straight out of the Tiffany & Co. catalogue. If that's too fem for your furry friend, consider the 14-karat gold toggle necklace with heart locket in which you can put a picture of yourself to remind your dog just who his/her best friend really is.
Pearl Necklace, $95-$105; Toggle Necklace, $595,
Tea Cups Puppies, 2201 Griffin Rd., Dania Beach,
954-985-8848; www.teacupspuppies.com

Hippie Chick
Would your friend rather look like Janis Joplin than J-Lo? If so, then anything from Deco Dermots will make her happier than a heroin addict in a poppy field. Groovy clothes and accessories of a vintage nature are sure to please the throwback who, to your dismay, refuses to cross over from 8-track to MP3. And while the items are bona fide relics from the days of Woodstock, you can be assured they've been washed since. Unlike your friend's booty-length hair.
Deco Dermots, 4628 Hollywood Blvd.,
954-989-4299, www.decodermots.com

Marriage-Obsessed Girlfriend
You love her dearly, really, you do, but the idea of spending the rest of your life with anybody causes your body to enter into a state of rigor mortis. You've cited Oprah and Steadman, Goldie and Kurt and just about every other happily unmarried couple you could find, but still, your girl won't accept it. She can't understand why you don't want to take the plunge. So rather than diving into a lifetime of bondage, tell her this holiday season that you do love her and you are ready to take the plunge. Into the ocean, that is. Suggest that the two of you get certified to dive, sort of as a test, you could say, and then, if you get along while being deprived of oxygen below the depths of the ocean, maybe, just maybe you'll be able to allow yourself to be suffocated in a state of till-death-do-you- part matrimony. This four-day course includes two sessions in a pool and two in the ocean as well as the appropriate, necessary classroom training, equipment and instruction. Now if they only had such a class for marriage certification....
$299, 4-day course, Froggie's Aquatic Center,
1200 N. Ocean Dr., Hollywood Beach, 954-924-5502,
www.letsgodiving.com

Spinster (Allergic to Cats)
Too picky for her own good, your beautiful, talented, funny friend has resigned herself to a life of spinsterhood. She's written off dating completely ever since you fixed her up with that brutal ghoul of a tax attorney just because both of them happen to be fans of the X Files. Because you feel as if it's partially your fault and because said spinster happens to be allergic to cats, you owe her big time and should definitely get her a dog. A real dog, that is, not another man who will have her running off to the convent. Puppy Planet has a plethora of cute, cuddly dogs, ones that don't talk back, scratch their back in public and forget to put the toilet seat down. From Boxer and Basset Hound to Maltese and Husky, there's bound to be a canine that will suit your friend's bizarre, uncompromising tastes.
Puppy Planet, 11276 Pines Blvd.,
Pembroke Pines, 954-392-8430,
www.puppyplanetonline.com

Cross-Dresser
Sick of finding your lingerie all stretched out or missing completely? It's time you got your karma chameleon his--er, her--own bras and panties. But Victoria's Secret just won't do. Instead, the folks at www.cross-dress.com have created an entire line of unmentionables made just for those with more testosterone than they bargained for. They have stretchy bras, corsets and panties made especially to hide the excess, er, baggage.
$15-$65, www.cross-dress.com,
954-748-5855

Sex and the City Fan
For the friend who always sends you the "Which Sex and the City Character Are You" personality tests, the one who never answers her phone at 9 p.m. on Sundays, the one who most definitely identifies with Samantha, the middle-aged sex siren, there's nothing more perfect than Body Perks, those special, uh, enhancements that ensure only the perkiest nipples, just like the ones Samantha wore on the show.
$20, Secrets The Romance Boutique,
4509 Pine Island Road, 954-748-5855

Germphobe
Sure, the threat of biological warfare is a very scary, very real one. But before that threat even became a reality, this person was already a member of the Howard Hughes school of germphobes. If only you had taken his paranoia seriously and bought stock in the company that manufactures surgical masks, you'd have been a very wealthy person right now. But never mind that. What to get someone who sterilizes his anti-bacterial lotion? How about a gas mask?
Spy Shop, 600 W Oakland Park Blvd.,
954-563-1779, www.spyshops.com

Baldie
He won't shave his head because, as a child, he had issues with Mr. Clean, and he let his membership to the Hair Club for Men expire when he discovered Ron Popeil's spray-on hair, which only made the top of his head look like a preschooler's finger painting canvas. Before he resorts to becoming a card-carrying comb over, get him a consultation with Dr. Arlene Spertus, who specializes in natural hair transplants. The consultation is free, so there's no money and no risk required. The good doctor will even correct hair(less) disasters, like the one your guy created when he tried to glue on that carpet swatch he mistook for a wig.
Arlene Spertus, 50 NE 26th Ave., suite 404,
Pompano, 954-785-7171,
www.naturalhairtransplants.com

Aspiring DJ
If this wannabe spin-doctor even thinks Madonna is going to listen to any mixes made on a Fisher Price record player, he may as well consider spinning Lawrence Welk for the Century Village set. What he needs isn't a course in scratching, but the Vestax PDX 2000 turntable, a serious toy with a reverse button that does the back scratching for you. It's space-age design is easy on the eyes even if the music may not always be so easy on the ears. Although it's designed for the professional, this turntable is user friendly and will have your junior Junior Vasquez spinning heads in clubland in no time.
$499.99, DJ Store,
1481 South Military Trail, 561-966-6881;
862 E Oakland Park Blvd., 954-564-3594;
www.djstore.com

Wife with a Perpetual Headache
You know there's a problem when your wife would rather watch the Sci Fi Network's double dose of Crossing Over with John Edward from 11 p.m. to midnight than cross over on to your side of the bed and get busy. Don't despair. An enterprising coffee shop owner out in Nashville got busy with her chemistry set and created Niagara, a love potion that works on women with constant headaches. If you don't believe us, ask Julia Roberts. She's said to be considering starring in a movie all about the stuff. Therefore it must work.
Spice of Life, 2940 SW 30th Ave.,
Hallandale, 954-458-5200; 2600 N University Dr., Sunrise;
954-746-1999; www.spiceoflife.com

Fashionably Loud
There's nothing like making a major fashion statement, whether by wearing PETA's "Fur Sucks" T-shirt or, if you're Jennifer Lopez, by wearing practically nothing at all. That's why Jimmy Star has created these one-of-a-kind, five-pocket, button- fly jeans with multi-color, multi-print faux fur (so you can still wear the PETA shirt with it) panels, some sheer, throughout the entire extravaganza. These are the Las Vegas of denim; in fact, if Sigfried or Roy saw them, they'd find it hard to tame their tigers in these threads.
$249.99, Jimmy Star,
2402 N Federal Highway, 954-390-6371;
1940 E Sunrise Blvd., 954-768-0043;
www.jimmystar.com

Bedazzler
A graduate of the Liberace and Neil Diamond school of over-adornment, this person knows not the meaning of white space. Everything has to be covered in rhinestones and sequins, even the toilet seat. Ouch! Surprise this razzle dazzler by sending in his or her very favorite item (if you can find one that's still free of their gaudy artistry) to Project Stud, where it will be returned in its fully flashy glory. No item will go unstoned. For inspiration, DJ Samantha Ronson had her turntable beaded. They'll do anything that isn't living.
Call Project Stud, 212-501-4482

Swingers
As children, these people never thought eight was enough, but they did think that three was certainly company. As adults, they still feel the same way, only instead of resorting to making naughty with Barbie, Ken and Skipper, they choose to live "the lifestyle," in which sharing takes on an entirely different meaning. Whether they're attached or not, it matters not at Club Hedonism, the European-style swingers club in which almost anything goes. That is, except you and yours.
1 year membership for couples,
$50; single men, $150; single women, $20
1000 E Sample Rd., Pompano Beach,
954-783-4741; www.clubhedonism.com

Slimeball
Know someone who gives you the willies? Perhaps it's the guy in the cubicle next to yours, or, sadly, it may be your husband. And while this person never seems to shed his skin, why not give him something that does in the form of an albino iguana, python or an exotic albino Nile monitor? Reptiles, unlike the recipient of this gift, aren't as slimy as they look, really.
$15-$2,000, Reptile Shop
2245 W Hillsboro Blvd., Deerfield Beach;
954-427-8222, www.reptileshop.net

Flat-Chested Fiancée
No matter how big a rock you get your dear fiancée, it will never compensate for the fact that something is clearly missing in the relationship. The Wonderbra did the trick until it was time to unhook the damn thing. Prevent deflation of many things, cough, by hooking her up with the folks at Brava for an FDA-approved, non-surgical breast enlargement. It's allegedly painless, clinically proven and endorsed by the ladies on The View, so it must be good.
Brava, 4018 Sheridan St., Hollywood,
954-981-4417, www.mybrava.com

The One Who Stands by You
No matter what, this person always makes sure there's a seat for you. Whether you're at a bar or a standing-room-only event, this kind person makes sure there's somewhere cushy to rest your tushy. Poor thing. Too much standing can cause varicose veins, you know. Take a stand for once in your life and get this person the Portable Loveseat, which is actually big enough to fit two booties, as long as each one doesn't exceed the 250 pound maximum. And while the two of you are sitting, you'll actually be taking a stand against terrorism, as this made-in-America product donates $10 from each sale to the Victims' Relief Fund.
www.cmonsite.com/patriote

Thigh Scraper
Sooner or later a large majority of women will inevitably succumb to the wrath of the cottage cheese curse. Look at Liz Hurley or the lither-than-life Jerry Hall. They both suffer from cellulite. Doctors say it's genetic, so blame your mother, not your addiction to Burger King. If you have smooth thighs, consider yourself lucky. In the meantime the cellu-laden continue to complain and do anything possible to rid themselves of this unsightly mess. When she saw that special on Dateline about sandpapering away the cellulite, she tried that. It didn't work. Whether you believe it or not, beauty experts insist that Laboratoire Remede's slender Active Amplifier works by causing a 4-percent reduction in the thickness of fat layers under the skin. What they don't say is that the 4-percent is refilled with this cream. But, hey, a lot of it is psychological. It can't hurt, right?
By the caseload for $300 or individual bottles for $55,
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or
www.blissworld.com

Boyfriend with the Unibrow
As a child you never imagined dating Bert from Sesame Street. Ever. If anything, cute, cuddly Ernie, but Bert? He's evil. And what's up with that continuous eyebrow? It's scary. Welcome to your adult life, when most straight men tend not to pluck their brows even if they do look as if they've been separated at birth from Bert. And while you continue to, uh, browbeat over this disturbing matter, it's not doing anything to part the brows a la Moses and the Red Sea. A not-so-subtle gift idea for your Bert lookalike is Poetic Cosmetics' Precision Brow Shaping set in which perfectly placed brows are guaranteed. Complete with five pairs of reusable stick-on shaping stencils, one pan each of light, medium, and dark browshades, an arch-enhancing browbone toner, dual-ended applicator and a tube of Brow'd Control, clear grooming and setting gel. Sure it sounds a bit effeminate, but tell him that you read (in In Style) that Harrison Ford uses it, or one of his favorite, macho athletes. Good luck.
For a female with similar problem, replace Bert mentions (except the evil part, of course) with Frida Kahlo.
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or
www.blissworld.com

Browbeater
Unlike the aforementioned, this person is constantly doing something to his or her eyebrows, whether it's plucking, waxing, penciling or, more often than not, mangling. In fact, they're almost beyond repair, nearly nonexistent with a shape as amorphous as an amoeba's. Let this person's poor brows take some shape with DV8-the Salon's brilliant, wax-free eyebrow sculpting. Known as threading, this technique guarantees a defined shape without damaging the surrounding skin. We'd explain how it's done, but it's something you have to see to believe.
$20, DV8-the Salon, 1860 West Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-695-0234

Venus Williams Fan
First and foremost, Venus Williams is a tennis player. A good one, at that. And sort of like the models who want to act, the actors who want to direct and the fools that can't be satisfied with their one, well- paying talent-slash-career, Venus Williams, a graduate of a Fort Lauderdale fashion school, wants to be a clothing designer. Say no more, said Wilsons Leather, which is now featuring the official Venus Williams Collection of leatherwear, not tenniswear, but leatherwear that only a true fan could love. Choose from several styles of jackets, pants and skirts. Too bad there's not a leather muzzle to shut Venus's dad up when she's on the court.
From $80, Wilsons Leather,
Bayside Marketplace, 401 Biscayne Blvd., 305-358-3872;
Sawgrass Mills, 12801 W Sunrise Boulevard, 954-846-7082;
Town Center at Boca Raton, 6000 W Glades Rd., 561-417-5075

Anna Kournikova Fan
Most people like the Williams sisters for their talent. Those who tend to obsess over Anna Kournikova, however, are digging her for other reasons. If you need to know what these are, then don't even bother continuing. For the die-hard Anna fan, the tennis nymph has her very own video. No, not that kind of video, but Basic Elements, Anna's complete, and we mean complete, fitness guide. Somehow, we think that the recipients of this video will spend most of their viewing time working up a different kind of sweat.
$14.99, Best Buy, 12301 W Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-423-1999;
20540 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-477-5367; www.bestbuy.com

Tough Cookie
This one's a food snob, a clothes snob, a movie snob. Generally, a pain in the ass. Nothing is every up to par with the standards of this overly critical person. While your first thought is to not get this person a gift at all, we've got something that's hard for anyone to look down upon. Unless, of course, they don't like sweets, in which case, skip the rest of this and proceed to the next items. Otherwise, the hard-to-top Neiman-Marcus Christmas Book catalogue has a perfect gift for this person. A tin of 13 not just sweet, but chic, cookies from Eleni's New York Bakery created in the likeness of items by Gucci, Kate Spade, Burberry and Oscar de la Renta, among others. Shoes, bags and dresses, all edible. If the person starts to complain, just shove one of these in their mouth.
$65, 800-825-8000

Calorie Conscious
The calorie conscious person has a real problem with letting things go. For instance, who cares that the piece of Trident you just offered her has five calories? Get over it and live a little, right?! This person gets more joy out of being a killjoy, telling you just as you're about to dig your fork into a piece of cake that it has more calories than a Big Mac. Tell this person to keep her calories to herself and give her the BalanceLog Palm Pilot, a contraption that provides instant feedback and a better understanding of calorie intake than Suzanne Sommers ever could. In addition, the gadget allows the calorie-consumed to set personal weight management and nutrition goals, individualize food programs based on metabolic rate, tracks calories in and calories out (gross!), search a database of over 300 exercises and 3,000 foods and, finally, track nutrients in food intake to ensure the most optimum nutrition. While your friend's busy inputting and outputting caloric information, you'll be free to order that extra large, extra cheese pepperoni pizza you were eyeing on that Domino's commercial last night!
BalanceLog software,
$49 or $169 PDA
BalanceLog Software for Palm or Desktop
$169 PDA w/ software
www.healthetech.com.

Cross-Dressing Cook
(S)he already has the June Cleaver outfit, the Martha Stewart wig and the Julia Child voice down pat. However, there's just too much testosterone in the essence of Emeril. Although M.F.K. Fisher is probably overcooking in her grave, the one-and-only Boy George, entertainer-turned- DJ, can now add cookbook author to his colorful resume thanks to his collection of recipes found in the Karma Cookbook, co-authored with his personal chef Dragana Brown. All the recipes are macrobiotic and the vegetables color-coordinated.
$15, www.amazon.co.uk

Gossip Monger
There's the guy at the water cooler who can't get enough of inter-office hearsay. Then there's the girl you went to high school with twenty years ago who still can't stop talking about what happened in the 11th grade. There's your best friend who lives by and for "Page Six" and believes everything she reads on it. And then there's your mother-in-law who considers the tabloids more sacred than the Bible and calls you every time a celebrity enters rehab, Julia Roberts changes boyfriends, and Madonna changes accents. Liz Smith once said that gossip is the most important meal of the day and, for these people, it's nothing but the truth. So what better gift to give them than the memoirs of the aging celebrity ass kisser herself? Liz Smith's Natural Blonde: A Memoir gives the lowdown on the time Frank Sinatra told her off and just about everything --and everyone--else she ever experienced, encountered and covered during her illustrious career. In fact it's so chock-full of schlock, it may be overkill for the reader, ultimately turning them off to the nonsense. Which, in your opinion, is the best gossip you could ever hear.
$7.99, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale,
954-340-3309;
9887 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Harry Potter Fan
The media blitz has already begun for the movie version of the hugely successful Harry Potter series and while the thought of collecting every tchotchke McDonald's doles out with its Happy Meals gives you indigestion, you know someone who'd be willing to go up a few sizes just to get 'em all. And that's just the mother of the devout Harry Potter fan. Kids of all ages who are engrossed in J.K. Rowling's phantasmagorical world of Harry and company will absolutely love this pop-up book that almost makes it seem as if you're a student of Hogwarts, too. Almost. But then again, the person who appreciates Harry Potter already has a vivid imagination, so this book is for serious fans--and their children--only.
Hogwarts School: A Magical 3-D Carousel Pop-Up, $24,
www.amazon.com

Alleged Art Aficionado
Why is it that so many single men think that having insipid Ansel Adams prints on their walls means they're "into fine art"? Not to slam the landscape-obsessed photographer or anything, but there's a heck of a lot more to fine art than a Kodak moment with trees and ice caps. To each his own, we suppose. So, for this guy who loves Ansel Adams, Ansel Adams at 100 is more than he could ask for. Chock-full of over 100 photographs, the book is, well, full of lovely landscapes. Enough said.
$150, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-340-3309;
9887 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Purpose Server
Life and tennis are both games. Games are meant to be won, despite what your mother told you. And in some games fighting is encouraged. Not the cat fighting between Martina Hingis and Anna Kournikova, but the fight against cancer. If you know someone who plays tennis, give him or her a whole new reason to hit the ball with Penn's special-edition, pink tennis balls that read "Serve Up a Cure." Half the proceeds from the sale of these balls will go to SHARE, Strang Cancer Prevention and the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.
$10 for a pack of three, www.tennisexpress.com

Stoner
Not that we encourage this person's habit, but if you know someone who insists they perform better while under the influence, they're gonna love you almost as much as they do Jerry Garcia when you present them with this, the world's first collapsible, inflatable water pipe. Portable and almost reminiscent of an oxygen mask, the Pfwoot (maybe the name makes more sense after you've inhaled) is just a foot tall, available in blue with other colors to come. To use it, it needs to be blown up, which is a dubious task for someone who likes to inhale lots of smoke, but it sure is convenient to conceal when deflated. It also comes with a removable bowl and a built-in stem. Rendering the three-foot long tube as antiquated as the 8-track tape, the Pfwoot is not your father's bong.
$20, www.pfwoot.com

Voyeur
This guy's dream come true is to sneak behind the rack in the communal dressing room at Loehmann's on a sale day and just...watch. As a kid he preferred to peer through binoculars than through his Viewmaster. Now that he can afford super-powerful telescopes, his peering range has increased from across the street to across the city. One of these days he's gonna get arrested. But in the meantime, give him a full-frontal, legal view of the ladies in Apartment 7, the East Village apartment where women have disrobed for photog Peter Gorman in the hopes that someone would look at them. Such is not the case with the ladies at Loehmann's.
$34.95, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale,
954-340-3309; 9887 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Precocious Little Sister
Remember when you gave your sister her first Barbie doll and she responded ever so matter of factly, "Barbie is the personification of an erroneous, society-driven beauty myth in which women are mere objects"? She was only four then. So, while she may still be of doll-age, there's no way you would even think of wasting your money on a Britney doll. Enter the Get Real Girl, a line of multiracial action adventure figures who would never, ever associate with Barbie if they had the chance. There's a Japanese-American, and African-American and a bi-racial doll, each with a distinct purpose other than to look pretty and remain silent. Well, these remain silent, too, but their down to earthiness speaks volumes.
$20, Toys R Us, 650 University Dr.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-451-0464; www.toysrus.com

The Indelibly Romantic
When Johnny Depp broke up with Winona Ryder, he had his tattoo "Winona Forever" partially erased. It now reads "Wino Forever." It's better than nothing, we suppose. While Depp may have learned his lesson, others still haven't and insist on having the name of their love du jour permanently inked into their bloodstream. Rather than taking the Cher route and enduring painful tattoo removal (treatments take about 10 minutes, but cost $450 per tattoo inch), consider the Covermark Tattoo Cover Kit. Available in three shades, the kit includes a neutralizing white primer to tone down color and two blendable shades of pigmented and waterproof cover-up to prevent an embarrassing, accidental erasing while you're lathering up with your latest. If that doesn't work, just call Geoffrey M. Siegel, D.O., P.A., 4408 W Oakland Park Blvd., 954-733-5452, and he'll take care of you.
Covermark Tattoo Cover Kit, $25,
800-524-1120

Single and Always Looking Girl Friend
For this girl, a date is almost as routine as brushing her teeth. No less than twice a day, sometimes more. You see, she's on a constant crusade to find the elusive Mr. Right. Everything she does--a trip to Publix, filling up at the gas station, a latte at Starbucks, etc--revolves around finding a guy. Some may call her a desperado but she'll be the first to tell you she's just "actively looking', which in our book is the PC term for desperado. At any rate, give her a gift she can totally relate to in the form of author Rochelle Morton's book, My 1,000 Americans : A Year-Long Journey Through the Personals. Over the course of one year, Morton placed personals ads in New York City and Miami (maybe in this very newspaper) and compiled the bizarre, twisted and pathetic replies of over 1,000 men, many whom she actually met. Brave girl. Anyway, after your friend realizes that half these men are married or have criminal records, perhaps she'll finally be deterred from meeting men via internet chat rooms. Or maybe she'll just recognize several of her past dates in the book and use that as her M.O. for continuing in her quest to find "the one."
$13, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale,
954-340-3309; 9887 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Boss
He doesn't make you kiss his ring, but you'd much rather kiss that than his you- know-what. Alas, you must pay your dues and respect the man despite the fact that you think he's an ignoramus. He does sign your check, you know. And while you have oodles and oodles of fun compiling lists of your boss's shortcomings, without him, you'd be scraping grease off a fry daddy. So, to show your (feigned) appreciation for the man, honor him with the Godfather DVD collection and pay him a dubious compliment by telling him that Don Corleone's got nothing on him.
$69.99, Best Buy, 12301 W Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-423-1999;
20540 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-477-5367; www.bestbuy.com

CD Collector
It all started when your friend first joined the BMG music club--12 CDs for a penny! Then he joined Columbia House. And then BMG, again, under his brother's name. He also has a very good friend who does publicity for a major record label. More free CDs. After a while, all the freebies added up and now he barely has room in his house for himself. And despite the impressive collection, he has no idea what he has and always ends up listening to the same freakin' CD every day. Urban Outfitters has come up with the ideal gift for this person, CD wallpaper in which one can plaster their walls with their entire collection--each set holds 24. Help your friend tack on the wallpaper and make sure that you hide the Leo Sayer's Greatest Hits in a room he's least likely to enter.
$16, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place, 5701 Sunset Dr., Miami, 305-663-1536;
www.urbanoutfitters.com

Egomaniac
This person thinks "You're So Vain" was written about her. And she wasn't even born yet. Her apartment has more mirrors than Versailles and, if you count, there are at least 16 photos of just her lying around. And that's just in the bedroom. At parties, conversations inevitably center on her because she's got a way with taking any subject and making it hers and hers alone. She's one of those people who never asks "How are you?" and if she does, it's just a segueway to a long ranting about her latest ills and pains. That's why All About Me is an ideal gift for her. An 82-page fill-in-the- blanks book that's written by her biggest fan--herself. You see, this book is chock-full of questions that the egomaniac can answer about herself. All about her memories, dreams, beliefs and fears. Fears that if this were the last book on earth, reading would become extinct, perhaps?
$12, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place, 5701 Sunset Dr., Miami, 305-663-1536;
www.urbanoutfitters.com

Overgrown Fraternity Boy
This guy refuses to part with his fraternity jerseys which, to your dismay, he still wears out in public. His collection of shot glasses are more priceless than the Rolex he got for graduation 20 years ago and his idea of intimacy with his girlfriend is a high five. Somehow, however, he manages to hold down a decent job, one for which he travels extensively. And while his business suits are something he almost always forgets on these trips, give him something he's sure to carry with him at all times. The Weekend Fun Pack is a portable frat party--with bottle opener, dice, a shot glass, playing cards, a wine opener (for when the beer runs out), four ping pong balls, and instructions for beer pong, doubles, quarters and other brain-busting drinking games--that's sure to win him points with all those other business dudes.
Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place, 5701 Sunset Dr., Miami, 305-663-1536
www.urbanoutfitters.com

Lush
How can a lush be fully satisfied with the traditional stainless steel flask? It's a bitch to fill up, it doesn't hold all that much and its contents are almost always tepid and steely. Eh, we suppose they don't care or are too wasted to realize. But either way, there's something better--and cooler--on the market. A thermos-like flask with three shot cups which are hidden in the flask's leather casing. Even better, it holds 6 ounces of libation and actually keeps the stuff chilled. And the boozy, hot pink elephant on the flask is pretty cool, too.
$24.99, Urban Outfitters,
653 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-535-9726;
The Shops at Sunset Place, 5701 Sunset Dr., Miami, 305-663-1536;
www.urbanoutfitters.com

Historian
Okay, so the recent state of affairs in the world are what tomorrow's text books are made of. Gas masks, American flags and altered photos of Osama Bin Laden are tomorrow's memorabilia. But what about the relics of the past? World War II ration books, for example, are reminders of the fact that this country has endured hard times and come out of them just fine. And before Walt Disney ever conjured up his animated rodent and visions of Tommorowland, there was the World's Fair. Tickets for the fair were as hard to come by as those for Madonna's Drowned World Tour. Ah, memories.
Ration Books, $35;
World's Fair tickets, $35;
Miami Midcentury, 3404 N Miami Ave., Miami, 305-572-0558

Malodorous Mutt
No matter how cute your dog is, there's nothing cute about the smell of wet dog. Even when the animal is completely dry. If, for some reason, your pooch is putrid no matter how many baths you give it, consider throwing the poor thing a bone in the form of Doogy, a fragrance for dogs. Like CK One, it smells lovely on girl and boy dogs and a dollar from each sale goes straight to the ASPCA, who can maybe put that money to good use in wiping out smelly dog syndrome.
$18, Saks Fifth Avenue,
5800 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-393-9100;
172 Worth Ave., Palm Beach, 561-833-2551; or
1-800-347-9177

Cellularphobe
So your mother absolutely hates the phone and screams every time it rings. How are you ever going to persuade her to carry a cell phone, then, for emergencies, of course? It's not a deterrent enough that pay phones carry more germs than the inside of a dog's mouth. Consider disguising the cell phone in a Cellbaby--a fuzzy cover that looks like a stuffed animal. Choose from a cuddly bunny, puppy, alligator or beaver. So cute, your mother won't be able to resist!
$9.99, www.cellbaby.com

Grandma
If it's Tuesday, it must be mah-jongg at grandma's house. Come to think of it, every night is mah-jongg night at granny's. She lives and breathes mah-jongg. In fact, she's the mah-jongg champion of her retirement community. She's featured in Mah-Jongg Monthly as one of the world's foremost experts on the game. Her license plate reads Me-Jongg. Better than a diamond necklace is this bracelet made of bone replica mah jongg tablets and red glass beads. The ladies who play with her are already jealous of her status as a mah-jongg celebrity. Imagine their envy when they see this swank accessory on her wrist.
$70, Anthropologie,
1108 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach, 305-695-0775;
700 S Rosemary Ave., West Palm Beach, 561-805-8770;
www.anthropologie.com

Starstruck
Remember when your friend called you from his cellphone, hyperventilating because Erik Estrada was pumping gas right next to him? Or what about the time he actually schlepped to the opening of a Kmart in Homestead because some minor soap opera actress was on hand to do the ribbon cutting? Imagine if he actually ran into a real celebrity. Defibrillator, stat! Anyway, PlayStation has exactly what a starstruck person needs--SSX Tricky, the newest addition to the game's extreme sport series. What's so great about an extreme sports video game, you ask? Well this one's got bona fide celebrities lending their real voices to the game's players. Patricia Velasquez, Billy Zane, David Arquette, Macy Gray, Lucy Liu, Oliver Platt, Jim Rose Circus and Bif Naked have all got game in SSX Tricky. Even better, the music has been provided by Beastie Boys DJ, Mixmaster Mike. Your friend will never get excited about Erik Estrada again.
$49.99, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;
www.target.com

Junior Couch Potato
Like it or not, this kid takes after his father, a man who hasn't gotten off the couch since All in the Family was still on prime time. The couch potato gene has been inevitably passed on to junior, who, until now, hasn't had the chance to become one with the remote since daddy won't cede control of the thing, no if's and's or but's. The Weemote 2 is a remote made just for the kids, allowing them to brainlessly channel surf, just like daddy, through 10 programmable, child-safe channels. Even better, it works with almost all TVs, cable boxes and digital recording contraptions such as Tivo. If the kid wants to tune into Sex and the City, however, it ain't gonna happen. For that, he's still gonna need daddy. And if dad asks the kid how he learned to master a remote, all the kid has to do is echo that old anti-drug commercial and say, "I learned it by watching you!"
$29.95, www.weemote.com

Baby Spielberg
When this kid was only four years old, he was already criticizing camera angles used on his Barney videos. He also thought that Hayley Joel Osment was a terrible casting choice in that I-see-dead-people movie. He's also appalled that there was an American Pie II. Now a precocious eight-year-old, this kid wants to make movies. And not just any movie, either. He idolizes Steven Spielberg, even though, once again, he was disappointed with the use of Osment in AI, which, he thought, could have been a much better movie if he had any input in it. Though his hands are still too small for a Panavision camera, the Intel Play Digital Movie Creator is a good training wheel, an update of the old 8-mm camera allowing up to four minutes of digital video and audio. The thing also comes with editing software just in case the junior cameraman isn't pleased with his final cuts.
$99, www.intelplay.com

Skeptic
There's no way in hell a skeptic would ever believe a thing on the Sci Fi network's smash hit Crossing Over with John Edward. You believe it all and have seen every episode thus far. In fact, you could have sworn you channeled the spirit of Elvis at karaoke night even though your friend said your performance was absolutely pitiful and not even close. So what? Disbelievers are missing out, you say. You may not be able to get your friend to sit through an entire episode of Crossing Over because she says Edward's quick-draw McGraw tactics make her crazy, but perhaps the book Crossing Over will help convince her that it's not b.s. and that he does hear dead people. Fat chance, but it's still an amusing read either way.
$34.50, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-340-3309;
9887 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Photo Synthesizer
Forget about music making the people come together. In this snap happy person's eyes, photos bring people together--by no choice of their own. "Everybody get together for a photo," is this person's fave phrase. And one photo isn't good enough, either. As a result, the Lomographic Society has created the Supersampler camera, a pocket-sized four-lens camera that has the ability to shoot four panoramic pictures in one shot. At least you won't have to hear "Say cheese" four times in a row.
$50, www.lomography.com

Smoker
His fingers are stained from years of nicotine consumption and it's too late to do anything about it, unless, of course he considers going the Michael Jackson skin pigmentation depletion route. Rather than allow him to turn his hands into a jaundiced mess, get him a hookah--no, not that kind, that's still illegal--in which he can stuff a number of flavored tobaccos and smoke all he wants without getting his hands soiled.
$60-$150, www.buddhasbelly.com

Noisy Neighbor
Because of your apartment's paper-thin walls, you know way too much about your neighbor. This person's amorous activities are more reliable than your own alarm clock, but you never, ever set your alarm for 1 a.m. every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. At least your alarm has a snooze button. With this guy, there is no silencer to muffle his screams of ecstasy. A subtle hint, perhaps, will do. The Electronic Stretch Screamer looks like a cross between the Hulk and Herman Munster but when stretched, it makes a most-irritating shriek; even better, when you squeeze its head, gross stuff comes out. He'll get the picture. You hope.
$19.99, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;
www.target.com

Mariah Careyed Mom
Who works harder than your mom? She puts up with all your nonsense, does your laundry, cooks you dinner and doesn't harangue you about the lack of grandchildren and a spouse even though you know it kills her. She wears the soccer mom hat for your younger brother, the stage mom hat for your JonBenet-ish sister (but she's no Patsy) and is the only person who visits your older brother in jail on a weekly basis. There's barely time in her day for a Calgon moment, but still, mom looks fab. How does she do it, you wonder? Although she hasn't yet checked herself into a clinic for exhaustion, oftentimes, she's on the verge. Remembering to call every Sunday is fine, but nothing shows your appreciation for all she does better than a Pamper Me basket from Baskets By Lisa, a collection of serenity-inducing items such as candles, lotions, truffles, a relaxing CD and other things that show you care enough to send the very best.
$35-$150, 305-754-0057;
www.basketsbylisa.net

Mom on the Run
As if taking care of an infant isn't enough exercise, this mom doesn't feel like she's fully worked out unless she breaks a complete sweat--and not one that ensues after the baby refuses to eat, sleep or poop. Gymboree notwithstanding, mom deserves her own workout, but she's still afraid of separation anxiety and won't leave the baby with the nanny or the football-obsessed husband. With the Jogging Stroller, mom can sprint around town with baby in tow. And in case she's worried about a potentially disastrous projectile situation, the stroller has a very secure brake system--front and rear--for safety.
$89.99, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;
www.target.com

Rowdy Roadtrippers
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Ah, the inevitable, incessant line of questioning from the back seat boys and girls unwillingly subjected to mom and dad's National Lampoon-esque family vacation. If you haven't yet invested in one of those mini vans with the TV and VCR combo to keep the kiddies entertained, consider Kids Travel: A Backseat Survival Kit, chock-full of hours and hours and hours of entertainment including make- your-own jewelry supplies, markers, dice, quiz cards, game pieces, puzzles, song lyrics (yikes) and much, much more to ensure that the bored to tears kids won't wilt away while dad refuses to ask directions, mom insists you're way off track and, for some strange reason, Disney World looks very much like Dollywood.
$19.95, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;
www.target.com

Aspiring Sushi Chef
Know someone who thinks they're Nobu Matsuhisa? They should be so lucky. No, you should be so lucky, actually! But how do you think Nobu got so famous? Practice, practice, practice! It's not gonna happen with Uncle Ben's rice and seaweed scraped from the ocean floor, either. The Sushi Chef Kit has all they need to make like Nobu, with cookbook, rice, nori, pickled ginger, wasabi horseradish, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sushi vinegar, rice paddle and a bamboo mat for rolling the sushi just like a pro.
$35.95, www.cooking.com

Stock Broken
It's been rough for this guy. Really rough. The circles under his eyes are deeper than the Grand Canyon and although he's only 35, he could probably score the senior citizen's discount at the movies. He works hard for your money and, to show him your appreciation, don't you dare invest more money in the roller coaster stock market, but instead, invest whatever you have left in a gift basket for your broken broker by Nature's Euphoria, consisting of after-shave splash, soothing shaving antiseptic, massage oil, moisturizing lotion, jock itch treatment (for the really active broker), bath sponge, hand towel, shaving mug with a brush handle, deodorant and liquid soap. All for a mere $55. It may not help the Dow Jones any, but it sure will make your broker feel like a million bucks before the bell rings.
$55, www.natureseuphoria.com

Finicky Feline
There are some people who love cats more than--or in place of--their own children. You know who they are. The ones who corner you at the water cooler with photos of their cat's weekend exploits, the ones who throw birthday parties for the animal, the ones who install video cameras in their homes so they can keep track of the kitty on their "kitty cam" from work. There's no explanation for their fixation, so don't even bother wasting your time trying to figure it out. Because of all the pampering the cat has received, the dang thing has become rather finicky and only expects the best. Giving the cat a case of Purina is like giving a gourmand a gift certificate to McDonald's. Instead, consider giving the finicky feline the whole kitty and caboodle in the form of a fabulous gift basket consisting of organic grass, natural cat treats, coat conditioner, canker treatment, flea collar, organic catnip, antiseptic for cuts and wounds and plush towels.
$40, www.natureseuphoria.com

Microsoftie
Bill Gates may not be Jim Jones, but there's no denying the existence of the cult of Microsoft. You can almost pick out the cult's members in any Starbucks in the city. They almost look like clones of Gates, use little direct eye contact, have messy mop-top hair, wear blue shirts and khakis. And they're usually carrying--or buried in-- a computer. Computer goobers are everywhere, but only the Microsoftie would give his RAM to be the first on the block to have the new Xbox, Microsoft's answer to Sony Playstation. The creator of Xbox claims that the machine will redefine video games just as MTV redefined music. Um, is that supposed to be a good thing?
$499.94, Toys R Us,
650 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton, 561-451-0464;
www.toysrus.com

Junior Martha Stewart
While most kids are happy with good ol' fashioned peanut butter from a jar, this one isn't satisfied unless her PB & J is made with homemade peanut butter, created, of course, from the peanuts grown in the back yard. She can't play with the Play-Doh bought in the toy store, either. It has to be whipped up from scratch. Her favorite television show isn't the Power Puff Girls, either. It's all about Martha. Martha, Martha, Martha. Her idol, her inspiration. God help you. Just wait until she asks you how she can make her own baby. Yikes! Before she does that, consider the Metallic Bead-Pet kit, in which the crafty one can make her own lovely animals out of beads. We bet Martha wished she made metallic pets instead of having a daughter who dared to elope to avoid her mother's manic wedding plans.
$15, Toys R Us,
650 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton, 561-451-0464;
www.toysrus.com

Sun Worshipper
This person has no clue that Ban de Soleil is really the bane of her existence. Her face makes Edward James Olmos's look as smooth as a baby's behind. George Hamilton pales in comparison to her and even though she's only 25, people think her mother is her daughter. Tragic, isn't it? Replace her suntan oil with botox, collagen or some form of facial rejuvenation before people start mistaking her for an actress in a California raisin commercial.
About Face Cosmetic Center,
16855 NE 2nd Ave., North Miami Beach, 305-249-9925 or
Aventura Center for Cosmetic Surgery,
2954 B Aventura Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-1838

Wannabe Weatherman
Okay, so you can't afford a Doppler Radar, but if you know someone who idolizes Max Mayfield at the National Hurricane Center, dresses up like Don Noe for Halloween, watches the Weather Channel 24/7, actually liked that godawful tornado movie starring Helen Hunt and oftentimes points to an invisible map while placing smiley face sun and cloud stickers on the refrigerator, then we've got the perfect gift. The Storm Chaser Multi-Band Radio features constant broadcasts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, as well as region-specific weather reports on everything from marine updates to avalanche warnings. It's palm-sized, so in case your weather-nut friend finds himself getting swept away in a tsunami, the radio is bound to stay with him like a trusted friend.
$29.95, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall, 19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens, 3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332

Beer Goggler
So, you're sick of hearing your friend whine every time she ends up sucking face with some heinous ghoul at a bar because she was too drunk to see that he looked like Quasimodo. You've already tried the AA route, but she won't have any of it. You've also tried diluting her cocktails with water, but she only ends up drinking more and ending up with more tools than a Home Depot. How about the Eye Chart Shot Glasses, then? These glasses feature the traditional eye chart so that when your friend's vision has blurred so much that she starts spewing letters that don't even exist in the alphabet, you know it's time to take her home and throw her in the shower. It's worth a, uh, shot, isn't it?
$14, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall, 19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens, 3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332

Sugar Daddy
You worked hard for his money--really hard. All those nights spent at clubby steakhouses, five-star hotel bars and yacht clubs paid off. Your self-investments in silicone were wise ones because, boy, did you get his attention (and that's not an easy thing to do these days). God bless Anna Nicole Smith! So now that you've scored your own Daddy Warbucks, what do you get him besides a new nurse and a respirator? Why, a personal ATM machine, of course! Not only will you save your sugar daddy his thrice-daily trips to the bank machine, but you'll also be able to make your own withdrawals in the comfort of your own home. Daddy dearest will pump the funds into the machine and you'll suck them out. Even better, the machine comes with 10 ATM cards, which we suggest you start passing out to the friends and family who put up with you during your desperate hunt for Mr. Moneybags.
$20,000, FAO Schwarz,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-668-2300;
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-624-6840;
www.faoschwarz.com

Li'l Diddy
While most toddlers are happy playing in a sandbox, this one would prefer to play in the VIP room of a haute club in L.A., the Hamptons, South Beach, and pretty much wherever there's a member of the paparazzi lurking. At his first birthday party, said toddler refused to wear his Garanimals in favor of a flashy, splashy Baby Versace outfit. At his second birthday party, the Gymboree was roped off with velvet and behemoth doormen, and at his third, instead of Barney, this kid insisted on having a J-Lo impersonator. Instead of reading Dr. Seuss, he prefers to read the rhymes of his idols, P. Diddy and co. Ubiquitous in the neighborhood, he already has a posse of disciples who follow his every move, from the playground to the swimming pool. What can you say? At family gatherings, he makes his way into every photo and when asked what he wants to be when he grows up, he answers, "an entertainment mogul famous for being famous." Enough said. What better present than the Bentley Speed Six, a pedal car crafted in the style of the 1929 originals, featuring polished aluminum radiator grill, pneumatic rubber tires on spoke wheels, rearview mirrors and a pedal configuration that allows the driver to sit up higher than the conventional pedal car. If he's gonna be a player, kid's gotta have a Bentley, right?
$7,500, FAO Schwarz,
5701 Sunset Dr., South Miami, 305-668-2300;
3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-624-6840;
www.faoschwarz.com

Ex-Wife
She was your former first lady and still is the mother of your kids. She haunts you, showing up in a bubble over your head like Gazoo in The Flintstones, telling you what's right and what's wrong. What is she, your mother? Sometimes she feels like your mother, which is why you divorced her in the first place. But there's no getting rid of her. After all, she does relieve you of parenting duties from Monday-Friday. That's no small shakes. Thank her with a set of Barbara Bush Inaugural Pearls, an exact replica of the former first lady's and now first mother's three-strand, hand-knotted pearl necklace, created just for Babs by Kenneth Jay Lane.
$125, George Bush Presidential Library Museum Store,
www.museumstore.com

Newly Engaged Couple
Let their rich relatives buy them the Waterford Crystal. After all, they've only been dating for two weeks and barely know each other. Who knows if the engagement will last longer than their relationship? And did we mention that they're only 18? Ah, kids in love! Isn't it sweet? Commemorate their candy-coated commitment by giving them these limited- edition, reissued, retro bride and groom Pez dispensers. Two rolls of candy included, of course. Even better, it'll match the bride-to-be's gumball machine-bought engagement ring.
$29.95, www.pez.com

Date-o-rexic
This person would rather sit home and watch Blind Date than go on an actual date. When you ask why the person is so averse to dating he/she points to Blind Date as his/her MO. In fact, she or he'd rather endure a root canal than deal with the insipid first date small talk. Do you blame them? The last date this person went on probably took place when the Olsen Twins were still toddlers. Even they're dating now. Scary, huh? It's not easy, we know, but perhaps a little lunch "meeting" with a potential suitor would do the person good. It's just lunch, they say, and this way, it won't cut into the person's evening television line-up.
It's Just Lunch, 561-347-9022

Future Hairdresser
Some kids like to cut their dolls' hair, but usually the poor thing ends up looking like Chucky. This kid is different, however. When he does his doll's hair, people turn around to look. They want to know who did that doll's hair and when they can make an appointment. In fact, his mother's best friend was tempted to dis her coveted appointment with Oribe in favor of the trim-happy tyke. He's got a gift and it can't be denied. So encourage his talent by getting him the Hair and Nail Craft Studio, a professional-looking stylist's box complete with all the necessary accessories and tools to perfect that fabulous look. Take a number, Trend Tracker!
$30, Toy Town, 260 Crandon Blvd.,
Key Biscayne, 305-361-5225;
www.toytown.com

AOL Addict
To this person, AOL really stands for Always On Line. What a box of chocolates was to Forrest Gump, the AOL Buddy List is to this person. And if life is like a great big buddy list, then the ability to take this buddy list wherever, whenever is absolute utopia. The AOL Mobile Communicator is the beeper of the 21st century, allowing email and instant messaging from anywhere, no modem, no DSL needed. Bliss, isn't it? As if cell phones in cars aren't bad enough, imagine what it's like when a driver hears the words, "You've got mail." Yikes! Perhaps this gift is best for bored office workers whose employer has a penchant for reading employees' emails. Or those people who refuse to turn off their cell phones in the movie theater in case their babysitter should call with an emergency. Or your pesky sister who refuses to free up the phone line because she's online chatting with each of her 300 buddies.
$99.95 plus $29.95 per month for service http://devices.aol.com/mobile

Fashionably Late
If you had a dollar for every minute you've waited for the fashionably late one, you'd be very wealthy right now. If you're sick and tired of withering away, watching your hair turn grey as your lunch date turns into a dinner one, consider taking a lighthearted, comical approach to the situation with Armitron's Scooby Doo, Spider Man or Wonder Woman watches. They may keep current time, but perhaps they'll inspire the timeless one with memories of the days they used to get up early for Saturday morning cartoons.
$25-$30, Burdine's,
2314 E Sunrise Blvd., Fort Lauderdale, 954-537-2400;
9339 Glades Rd., Boca Raton, 561-620-4500

Velvet Rope Reject
This person always insists he knows the guy at the door, but somehow, without fail, whenever you get up to the front, the goonish doorman always looks at him like a deer in the headlights. He has no clue who he is. Never has. Nor does he really want to know, frankly. Before your frustrated friend resorts to claiming he's the cousin of one of the owners of crobar, thwart the public humiliation and glide past the velvet ropes as easily as any celebrity vis-a-vis a VIP table at the club for four, including a bottle of champagne and a bottle of spirits. A definite ego booster!
$500, crobar, 1445 Washington Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-531-5027