Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Not that we encourage this person's habit, but if you know someone who insists they perform better while under the influence, they're gonna love you almost as much as they do Jerry Garcia when you present them with this, the world's first collapsible, inflatable water pipe. Portable and almost reminiscent of an oxygen mask, the Pfwoot (maybe the name makes more sense after you've inhaled) is just a foot tall, available in blue with other colors to come. To use it, it needs to be blown up, which is a dubious task for someone who likes to inhale lots of smoke, but it sure is convenient to conceal when deflated. It also comes with a removable bowl and a built-in stem. Rendering the three-foot long tube as antiquated as the 8-track tape, the Pfwoot is not your father's bong.

This guy's dream come true is to sneak behind the rack in the communal dressing room at Loehmann's on a sale day and As a kid he preferred to peer through binoculars than through his Viewmaster. Now that he can afford super-powerful telescopes, his peering range has increased from across the street to across the city. One of these days he's gonna get arrested. But in the meantime, give him a full-frontal, legal view of the ladies in Apartment 7, the East Village apartment where women have disrobed for photog Peter Gorman in the hopes that someone would look at them. Such is not the case with the ladies at Loehmann's.
$34.95, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale,
954-340-3309; 9887 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

Precocious Little Sister
Remember when you gave your sister her first Barbie doll and she responded ever so matter of factly, "Barbie is the personification of an erroneous, society-driven beauty myth in which women are mere objects"? She was only four then. So, while she may still be of doll-age, there's no way you would even think of wasting your money on a Britney doll. Enter the Get Real Girl, a line of multiracial action adventure figures who would never, ever associate with Barbie if they had the chance. There's a Japanese-American, and African-American and a bi-racial doll, each with a distinct purpose other than to look pretty and remain silent. Well, these remain silent, too, but their down to earthiness speaks volumes.
$20, Toys R Us, 650 University Dr.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton,

The Indelibly Romantic
When Johnny Depp broke up with Winona Ryder, he had his tattoo "Winona Forever" partially erased. It now reads "Wino Forever." It's better than nothing, we suppose. While Depp may have learned his lesson, others still haven't and insist on having the name of their love du jour permanently inked into their bloodstream. Rather than taking the Cher route and enduring painful tattoo removal (treatments take about 10 minutes, but cost $450 per tattoo inch), consider the Covermark Tattoo Cover Kit. Available in three shades, the kit includes a neutralizing white primer to tone down color and two blendable shades of pigmented and waterproof cover-up to prevent an embarrassing, accidental erasing while you're lathering up with your latest. If that doesn't work, just call Geoffrey M. Siegel, D.O., P.A., 4408 W Oakland Park Blvd., 954-733-5452, and he'll take care of you.
Covermark Tattoo Cover Kit, $25,

Single and Always Looking Girl Friend
For this girl, a date is almost as routine as brushing her teeth. No less than twice a day, sometimes more. You see, she's on a constant crusade to find the elusive Mr. Right. Everything she does--a trip to Publix, filling up at the gas station, a latte at Starbucks, etc--revolves around finding a guy. Some may call her a desperado but she'll be the first to tell you she's just "actively looking', which in our book is the PC term for desperado. At any rate, give her a gift she can totally relate to in the form of author Rochelle Morton's book, My 1,000 Americans : A Year-Long Journey Through the Personals. Over the course of one year, Morton placed personals ads in New York City and Miami (maybe in this very newspaper) and compiled the bizarre, twisted and pathetic replies of over 1,000 men, many whom she actually met. Brave girl. Anyway, after your friend realizes that half these men are married or have criminal records, perhaps she'll finally be deterred from meeting men via internet chat rooms. Or maybe she'll just recognize several of her past dates in the book and use that as her M.O. for continuing in her quest to find "the one."
$13, Borders Books and Music,
700 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale,
954-340-3309; 9887 Glades Rd.,
Boca Raton, 561-883-5854

He doesn't make you kiss his ring, but you'd much rather kiss that than his you- know-what. Alas, you must pay your dues and respect the man despite the fact that you think he's an ignoramus. He does sign your check, you know. And while you have oodles and oodles of fun compiling lists of your boss's shortcomings, without him, you'd be scraping grease off a fry daddy. So, to show your (feigned) appreciation for the man, honor him with the Godfather DVD collection and pay him a dubious compliment by telling him that Don Corleone's got nothing on him.
$69.99, Best Buy, 12301 W Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-423-1999;
20540 State Road 7, Boca Raton,

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