Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Photo Synthesizer
Forget about music making the people come together. In this snap happy person's eyes, photos bring people together--by no choice of their own. "Everybody get together for a photo," is this person's fave phrase. And one photo isn't good enough, either. As a result, the Lomographic Society has created the Supersampler camera, a pocket-sized four-lens camera that has the ability to shoot four panoramic pictures in one shot. At least you won't have to hear "Say cheese" four times in a row.

His fingers are stained from years of nicotine consumption and it's too late to do anything about it, unless, of course he considers going the Michael Jackson skin pigmentation depletion route. Rather than allow him to turn his hands into a jaundiced mess, get him a hookah--no, not that kind, that's still illegal--in which he can stuff a number of flavored tobaccos and smoke all he wants without getting his hands soiled.

Noisy Neighbor
Because of your apartment's paper-thin walls, you know way too much about your neighbor. This person's amorous activities are more reliable than your own alarm clock, but you never, ever set your alarm for 1 a.m. every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. At least your alarm has a snooze button. With this guy, there is no silencer to muffle his screams of ecstasy. A subtle hint, perhaps, will do. The Electronic Stretch Screamer looks like a cross between the Hulk and Herman Munster but when stretched, it makes a most-irritating shriek; even better, when you squeeze its head, gross stuff comes out. He'll get the picture. You hope.
$19.99, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;

Mariah Careyed Mom
Who works harder than your mom? She puts up with all your nonsense, does your laundry, cooks you dinner and doesn't harangue you about the lack of grandchildren and a spouse even though you know it kills her. She wears the soccer mom hat for your younger brother, the stage mom hat for your JonBenet-ish sister (but she's no Patsy) and is the only person who visits your older brother in jail on a weekly basis. There's barely time in her day for a Calgon moment, but still, mom looks fab. How does she do it, you wonder? Although she hasn't yet checked herself into a clinic for exhaustion, oftentimes, she's on the verge. Remembering to call every Sunday is fine, but nothing shows your appreciation for all she does better than a Pamper Me basket from Baskets By Lisa, a collection of serenity-inducing items such as candles, lotions, truffles, a relaxing CD and other things that show you care enough to send the very best.
$35-$150, 305-754-0057;

Mom on the Run
As if taking care of an infant isn't enough exercise, this mom doesn't feel like she's fully worked out unless she breaks a complete sweat--and not one that ensues after the baby refuses to eat, sleep or poop. Gymboree notwithstanding, mom deserves her own workout, but she's still afraid of separation anxiety and won't leave the baby with the nanny or the football-obsessed husband. With the Jogging Stroller, mom can sprint around town with baby in tow. And in case she's worried about a potentially disastrous projectile situation, the stroller has a very secure brake system--front and rear--for safety.
$89.99, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;

Rowdy Roadtrippers
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Ah, the inevitable, incessant line of questioning from the back seat boys and girls unwillingly subjected to mom and dad's National Lampoon-esque family vacation. If you haven't yet invested in one of those mini vans with the TV and VCR combo to keep the kiddies entertained, consider Kids Travel: A Backseat Survival Kit, chock-full of hours and hours and hours of entertainment including make- your-own jewelry supplies, markers, dice, quiz cards, game pieces, puzzles, song lyrics (yikes) and much, much more to ensure that the bored to tears kids won't wilt away while dad refuses to ask directions, mom insists you're way off track and, for some strange reason, Disney World looks very much like Dollywood.
$19.95, Target,
3200 N Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale, 954-390-7992;
1200 Linton Blvd., Delray Beach, 561-265-3500;

Aspiring Sushi Chef
Know someone who thinks they're Nobu Matsuhisa? They should be so lucky. No, you should be so lucky, actually! But how do you think Nobu got so famous? Practice, practice, practice! It's not gonna happen with Uncle Ben's rice and seaweed scraped from the ocean floor, either. The Sushi Chef Kit has all they need to make like Nobu, with cookbook, rice, nori, pickled ginger, wasabi horseradish, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sushi vinegar, rice paddle and a bamboo mat for rolling the sushi just like a pro.

Stock Broken
It's been rough for this guy. Really rough. The circles under his eyes are deeper than the Grand Canyon and although he's only 35, he could probably score the senior citizen's discount at the movies. He works hard for your money and, to show him your appreciation, don't you dare invest more money in the roller coaster stock market, but instead, invest whatever you have left in a gift basket for your broken broker by Nature's Euphoria, consisting of after-shave splash, soothing shaving antiseptic, massage oil, moisturizing lotion, jock itch treatment (for the really active broker), bath sponge, hand towel, shaving mug with a brush handle, deodorant and liquid soap. All for a mere $55. It may not help the Dow Jones any, but it sure will make your broker feel like a million bucks before the bell rings.

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