Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Finicky Feline
There are some people who love cats more than--or in place of--their own children. You know who they are. The ones who corner you at the water cooler with photos of their cat's weekend exploits, the ones who throw birthday parties for the animal, the ones who install video cameras in their homes so they can keep track of the kitty on their "kitty cam" from work. There's no explanation for their fixation, so don't even bother wasting your time trying to figure it out. Because of all the pampering the cat has received, the dang thing has become rather finicky and only expects the best. Giving the cat a case of Purina is like giving a gourmand a gift certificate to McDonald's. Instead, consider giving the finicky feline the whole kitty and caboodle in the form of a fabulous gift basket consisting of organic grass, natural cat treats, coat conditioner, canker treatment, flea collar, organic catnip, antiseptic for cuts and wounds and plush towels.

Bill Gates may not be Jim Jones, but there's no denying the existence of the cult of Microsoft. You can almost pick out the cult's members in any Starbucks in the city. They almost look like clones of Gates, use little direct eye contact, have messy mop-top hair, wear blue shirts and khakis. And they're usually carrying--or buried in-- a computer. Computer goobers are everywhere, but only the Microsoftie would give his RAM to be the first on the block to have the new Xbox, Microsoft's answer to Sony Playstation. The creator of Xbox claims that the machine will redefine video games just as MTV redefined music. Um, is that supposed to be a good thing?
$499.94, Toys R Us,
650 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton, 561-451-0464;

Junior Martha Stewart
While most kids are happy with good ol' fashioned peanut butter from a jar, this one isn't satisfied unless her PB & J is made with homemade peanut butter, created, of course, from the peanuts grown in the back yard. She can't play with the Play-Doh bought in the toy store, either. It has to be whipped up from scratch. Her favorite television show isn't the Power Puff Girls, either. It's all about Martha. Martha, Martha, Martha. Her idol, her inspiration. God help you. Just wait until she asks you how she can make her own baby. Yikes! Before she does that, consider the Metallic Bead-Pet kit, in which the crafty one can make her own lovely animals out of beads. We bet Martha wished she made metallic pets instead of having a daughter who dared to elope to avoid her mother's manic wedding plans.
$15, Toys R Us,
650 University Dr., Fort Lauderdale, 954-752-6100;
20429 State Road 7, Boca Raton, 561-451-0464;

Sun Worshipper
This person has no clue that Ban de Soleil is really the bane of her existence. Her face makes Edward James Olmos's look as smooth as a baby's behind. George Hamilton pales in comparison to her and even though she's only 25, people think her mother is her daughter. Tragic, isn't it? Replace her suntan oil with botox, collagen or some form of facial rejuvenation before people start mistaking her for an actress in a California raisin commercial.
About Face Cosmetic Center,
16855 NE 2nd Ave., North Miami Beach, 305-249-9925 or
Aventura Center for Cosmetic Surgery,
2954 B Aventura Blvd., Aventura, 305-933-1838

Wannabe Weatherman
Okay, so you can't afford a Doppler Radar, but if you know someone who idolizes Max Mayfield at the National Hurricane Center, dresses up like Don Noe for Halloween, watches the Weather Channel 24/7, actually liked that godawful tornado movie starring Helen Hunt and oftentimes points to an invisible map while placing smiley face sun and cloud stickers on the refrigerator, then we've got the perfect gift. The Storm Chaser Multi-Band Radio features constant broadcasts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, as well as region-specific weather reports on everything from marine updates to avalanche warnings. It's palm-sized, so in case your weather-nut friend finds himself getting swept away in a tsunami, the radio is bound to stay with him like a trusted friend.
$29.95, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall, 19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens, 3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332

Beer Goggler
So, you're sick of hearing your friend whine every time she ends up sucking face with some heinous ghoul at a bar because she was too drunk to see that he looked like Quasimodo. You've already tried the AA route, but she won't have any of it. You've also tried diluting her cocktails with water, but she only ends up drinking more and ending up with more tools than a Home Depot. How about the Eye Chart Shot Glasses, then? These glasses feature the traditional eye chart so that when your friend's vision has blurred so much that she starts spewing letters that don't even exist in the alphabet, you know it's time to take her home and throw her in the shower. It's worth a, uh, shot, isn't it?
$14, Restoration Hardware,
Aventura Mall, 19575 Biscayne Blvd., 305-935-1253;
The Gardens, 3101 PGA Blvd., Palm Beach Gardens, 561-625-3332

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