Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Ring Leader
You know who you are. You're the one who always forgets to turn off your cell phone in the movie theater, the concert hall and, if you're really rude, in business meetings. Your annoying ring can be heard from miles away because the volume is way up, so you won't miss a single call. Do us a favor, please, ask--no beg--for Siemens' first foray into the cursed cellular world. Pleasing on the eye--it's a high- tech, sleek silver model--the S40 is even more pleasing on the ear as it allows you to use its tone composer to create your own ringer melody. Consider a soothing tune off of, say Sade's Lovers' Rock or, for God's sake, even a New Age composition by Yanni would be better than that drone that your current phone wails out every time you receive a call. In addition to that feature, the phone also runs on GSM networks, which means that your ring will be heard anywhere in the world. That's certainly music to your ears. If we can't convince you to toss your phone into the ocean, make it less torturous for the rest of us and get this phone. Now.
$199-$379, Cingular stores or
www.siemenscordless.com

Blind-Sighted
Despite the fact that people still insist on wearing their sunglasses at night--a ghastly habit left over from the 80s--others prefer to just lose their specs. Literally. Keeping them on your head can give you a migraine, but you'd rather lose the glasses than wear them around your neck like your grandmother does. Until now. La Loop has crafted an uber-fashionable version of the granny chain out of 44 fabulous materials including red Venetian glass and Chinese yellow jade beads. These chains (from $135) may be more expensive than your cheap, knockoff Gucci glasses, but it's worth the investment, because, faux or real, lost glasses can add up to a fortune.
877-505-1500

Insomniac
It's 3 a.m. The phone rings. "Are you alseep?" You were, thank you very much, until your token insomniac brought you out of dreamland to commiserate that he just can't sleep. No matter how hard he tries. He's read Valley of the Dolls forty times and, upon your suggestion, he's resorted to his own sleep-inducing dolls--thank heavens for Tylenol P.M.--but nothing seems to work anymore. And it's keeping you up too. Don't lose sleep over whether or not to change your phone number. Instead, try a natural sleep remedy such as valerian root, an herbal supplement with sedative characteristics that will have your friend knocked out faster than an 80-pound weakling up against Mike Tyson.
30 pills, $7, all GNC stores.

Snaggle-Tooth
The spaces between your friend's teeth are Popeye's dream come true. A spinach-trapping hotbed of leftovers from her last meal. What to do short of ordering your friend never to eat leafy vegetables or pepper again? Try Japanese designer Chidoriya's darling little toothpick holder and mirror encased in lovely kimono fabric. It's discreet enough to pull out after dinner for a quick inspection and there's no need to rely on bent straws or matchbooks to pry out the particles in question.
$16, 877-613-2207

Traveling Wilbury
Regardless of the situation, they still schlep all over the place via plane. Good for them. But due to increased security, it's likely that their well-packed bags will be the object of a careful search (at least we hope so). They may even be forced to leave their Swiss Army-made travel kit at the gate. This wouldn't happen if your fave traveler carried the Hello Kitty Vacation Travel Container Set, which includes benign, yet whimsical, plastic necessities such as a soap case, a toothbrush case and three plastic bottles of varying sizes in which to store their most necessary youth- enhancing creams and salves.
$12, Sanrio Surprises, 8000 W Broward Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-475-8811;
801 N Congress Ave, Boynton Beach,
561-731-2201

The Follically Endowed
If we took all the hair off the backs of ungroomed men everywhere, we'd probably have enough hair to wipe out male pattern baldness. And while this theory is indeed too good to be true, individuals can take action and at least make their own walking Chia Pet's back as smooth as a baby's you-know-what with the Emjoi Beauty Forever Hair Remover, a nifty device that eliminates unwanted hair with radio energy that destroys it at its uncontrollable source--the root. To get to the root of this matter ever so meticulously, there's even a 24 karat gold plated tweezers to grip those pesky single hairs that just won't budge. If the thought of radio energy ripping out his hair is too much for the big guy to handle, liquor him up with a few cocktails and take him straight to Avalon Centers for some smooth sailing vis a vis a full back wax. FYI: they do other parts of the body too.
Beauty Forever Hair Remover,
$69.95, Sharper Image,
2542 E Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-566-2772;
276 Town Center, Boca Raton,
561-392-1977; www.sharperimage.com
Avalon Centers, 3351 Galt Ocean Dr.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-564-4229

Gym Bunny
It's Friday night. Do you know where your best friend is? While you're knocking back mojitos at happy hour, your regimented, obsessive pal is, without fail, sweating bullets in the gym, working off the calories consumed when the #*$&$%&^ guy at Starbucks failed to use fat-free milk in her latte. Since you know you're not gonna get her taut ass out of the gym anytime soon in favor of a late-night binge of cheese fries and buffalo wings at Denny's, you may as well invest your money in a gift she's going to use. Over and over and over again. The Body Fat Analyzer/Scale measures the body fat percentage in addition to total weight in pounds and kilograms (it's a psychological thing). Perhaps it can work to your benefit, too, when you finally have proof that vodka really is fat-free.
$99.95, Sharper Image,
2542 E Sunrise Blvd., Fort Lauderdale,
954-566-2772;
276 Town Center, Boca Raton,
561-392-1977; www.sharperimage.com

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