By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
By Kyle Swenson
By David Villano
By Kyle Swenson
By John Thomason
By Michele Eve
Mr. or Mrs. Magoo
Who could forget the time when your most-myopic friend substituted olive oil with Murphy's Oil during that gastronomically disastrous dinner party? While she still may be no Julia Child, prevent future poisonings and other assorted disasters by hooking her up with the pros at Eyewear4U2C (in case you can't see, it's Eyewear for you to see), where her oversights--or undersights, rather--can be cured by a revolutionary technique using lasers, which makes us wonder: If laser surgery cures the ills of sight, why do they call it La-sik?;
Eyewear 4U2C, www.noblur.com,
910 Powerline Rd., Pompano Beach,
If your dog was in a beauty contest against Joan Rivers', there'd be no contest. After all, the do say that, in time, owners begin to resemble their pets. But looks aside, your pooch is so pristine, you couldn't imagine putting her in any schlock available exclusively on QVC. As a result, Tea Cups Puppies has come up with a fabulous faux pearl necklace with rhinestones that looks as if its straight out of the Tiffany & Co. catalogue. If that's too fem for your furry friend, consider the 14-karat gold toggle necklace with heart locket in which you can put a picture of yourself to remind your dog just who his/her best friend really is.
Pearl Necklace, $95-$105; Toggle Necklace, $595,
Tea Cups Puppies, 2201 Griffin Rd., Dania Beach,
Would your friend rather look like Janis Joplin than J-Lo? If so, then anything from Deco Dermots will make her happier than a heroin addict in a poppy field. Groovy clothes and accessories of a vintage nature are sure to please the throwback who, to your dismay, refuses to cross over from 8-track to MP3. And while the items are bona fide relics from the days of Woodstock, you can be assured they've been washed since. Unlike your friend's booty-length hair.
Deco Dermots, 4628 Hollywood Blvd.,
You love her dearly, really, you do, but the idea of spending the rest of your life with anybody causes your body to enter into a state of rigor mortis. You've cited Oprah and Steadman, Goldie and Kurt and just about every other happily unmarried couple you could find, but still, your girl won't accept it. She can't understand why you don't want to take the plunge. So rather than diving into a lifetime of bondage, tell her this holiday season that you do love her and you are ready to take the plunge. Into the ocean, that is. Suggest that the two of you get certified to dive, sort of as a test, you could say, and then, if you get along while being deprived of oxygen below the depths of the ocean, maybe, just maybe you'll be able to allow yourself to be suffocated in a state of till-death-do-you- part matrimony. This four-day course includes two sessions in a pool and two in the ocean as well as the appropriate, necessary classroom training, equipment and instruction. Now if they only had such a class for marriage certification....
$299, 4-day course, Froggie's Aquatic Center,
1200 N. Ocean Dr., Hollywood Beach, 954-924-5502,
Spinster (Allergic to Cats)
Too picky for her own good, your beautiful, talented, funny friend has resigned herself to a life of spinsterhood. She's written off dating completely ever since you fixed her up with that brutal ghoul of a tax attorney just because both of them happen to be fans of the X Files. Because you feel as if it's partially your fault and because said spinster happens to be allergic to cats, you owe her big time and should definitely get her a dog. A real dog, that is, not another man who will have her running off to the convent. Puppy Planet has a plethora of cute, cuddly dogs, ones that don't talk back, scratch their back in public and forget to put the toilet seat down. From Boxer and Basset Hound to Maltese and Husky, there's bound to be a canine that will suit your friend's bizarre, uncompromising tastes.
Puppy Planet, 11276 Pines Blvd.,
Pembroke Pines, 954-392-8430,
Sick of finding your lingerie all stretched out or missing completely? It's time you got your karma chameleon his--er, her--own bras and panties. But Victoria's Secret just won't do. Instead, the folks at www.cross-dress.com have created an entire line of unmentionables made just for those with more testosterone than they bargained for. They have stretchy bras, corsets and panties made especially to hide the excess, er, baggage.
Sex and the City Fan
For the friend who always sends you the "Which Sex and the City Character Are You" personality tests, the one who never answers her phone at 9 p.m. on Sundays, the one who most definitely identifies with Samantha, the middle-aged sex siren, there's nothing more perfect than Body Perks, those special, uh, enhancements that ensure only the perkiest nipples, just like the ones Samantha wore on the show.
$20, Secrets The Romance Boutique,
4509 Pine Island Road, 954-748-5855