Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

Wife with a Perpetual Headache
You know there's a problem when your wife would rather watch the Sci Fi Network's double dose of Crossing Over with John Edward from 11 p.m. to midnight than cross over on to your side of the bed and get busy. Don't despair. An enterprising coffee shop owner out in Nashville got busy with her chemistry set and created Niagara, a love potion that works on women with constant headaches. If you don't believe us, ask Julia Roberts. She's said to be considering starring in a movie all about the stuff. Therefore it must work.
Spice of Life, 2940 SW 30th Ave.,
Hallandale, 954-458-5200; 2600 N University Dr., Sunrise;

Fashionably Loud
There's nothing like making a major fashion statement, whether by wearing PETA's "Fur Sucks" T-shirt or, if you're Jennifer Lopez, by wearing practically nothing at all. That's why Jimmy Star has created these one-of-a-kind, five-pocket, button- fly jeans with multi-color, multi-print faux fur (so you can still wear the PETA shirt with it) panels, some sheer, throughout the entire extravaganza. These are the Las Vegas of denim; in fact, if Sigfried or Roy saw them, they'd find it hard to tame their tigers in these threads.
$249.99, Jimmy Star,
2402 N Federal Highway, 954-390-6371;
1940 E Sunrise Blvd., 954-768-0043;

A graduate of the Liberace and Neil Diamond school of over-adornment, this person knows not the meaning of white space. Everything has to be covered in rhinestones and sequins, even the toilet seat. Ouch! Surprise this razzle dazzler by sending in his or her very favorite item (if you can find one that's still free of their gaudy artistry) to Project Stud, where it will be returned in its fully flashy glory. No item will go unstoned. For inspiration, DJ Samantha Ronson had her turntable beaded. They'll do anything that isn't living.
Call Project Stud, 212-501-4482

Mark Poutenis
Mark Poutenis

As children, these people never thought eight was enough, but they did think that three was certainly company. As adults, they still feel the same way, only instead of resorting to making naughty with Barbie, Ken and Skipper, they choose to live "the lifestyle," in which sharing takes on an entirely different meaning. Whether they're attached or not, it matters not at Club Hedonism, the European-style swingers club in which almost anything goes. That is, except you and yours.
1 year membership for couples,
$50; single men, $150; single women, $20
1000 E Sample Rd., Pompano Beach,

Know someone who gives you the willies? Perhaps it's the guy in the cubicle next to yours, or, sadly, it may be your husband. And while this person never seems to shed his skin, why not give him something that does in the form of an albino iguana, python or an exotic albino Nile monitor? Reptiles, unlike the recipient of this gift, aren't as slimy as they look, really.
$15-$2,000, Reptile Shop
2245 W Hillsboro Blvd., Deerfield Beach;

Flat-Chested Fiancée
No matter how big a rock you get your dear fiancée, it will never compensate for the fact that something is clearly missing in the relationship. The Wonderbra did the trick until it was time to unhook the damn thing. Prevent deflation of many things, cough, by hooking her up with the folks at Brava for an FDA-approved, non-surgical breast enlargement. It's allegedly painless, clinically proven and endorsed by the ladies on The View, so it must be good.
Brava, 4018 Sheridan St., Hollywood,

The One Who Stands by You
No matter what, this person always makes sure there's a seat for you. Whether you're at a bar or a standing-room-only event, this kind person makes sure there's somewhere cushy to rest your tushy. Poor thing. Too much standing can cause varicose veins, you know. Take a stand for once in your life and get this person the Portable Loveseat, which is actually big enough to fit two booties, as long as each one doesn't exceed the 250 pound maximum. And while the two of you are sitting, you'll actually be taking a stand against terrorism, as this made-in-America product donates $10 from each sale to the Victims' Relief Fund.

Thigh Scraper
Sooner or later a large majority of women will inevitably succumb to the wrath of the cottage cheese curse. Look at Liz Hurley or the lither-than-life Jerry Hall. They both suffer from cellulite. Doctors say it's genetic, so blame your mother, not your addiction to Burger King. If you have smooth thighs, consider yourself lucky. In the meantime the cellu-laden continue to complain and do anything possible to rid themselves of this unsightly mess. When she saw that special on Dateline about sandpapering away the cellulite, she tried that. It didn't work. Whether you believe it or not, beauty experts insist that Laboratoire Remede's slender Active Amplifier works by causing a 4-percent reduction in the thickness of fat layers under the skin. What they don't say is that the 4-percent is refilled with this cream. But, hey, a lot of it is psychological. It can't hurt, right?
By the caseload for $300 or individual bottles for $55,
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or

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schultzybeckett topcommenter

Yeah  do  not upset  your  routine work.  do  not feel complacent  or  relax  on  your oars.Always  be in  the  thick  of  things