By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
By Kyle Swenson
By David Villano
By Kyle Swenson
By John Thomason
By Michele Eve
Sure, the threat of biological warfare is a very scary, very real one. But before that threat even became a reality, this person was already a member of the Howard Hughes school of germphobes. If only you had taken his paranoia seriously and bought stock in the company that manufactures surgical masks, you'd have been a very wealthy person right now. But never mind that. What to get someone who sterilizes his anti-bacterial lotion? How about a gas mask?
Spy Shop, 600 W Oakland Park Blvd.,
He won't shave his head because, as a child, he had issues with Mr. Clean, and he let his membership to the Hair Club for Men expire when he discovered Ron Popeil's spray-on hair, which only made the top of his head look like a preschooler's finger painting canvas. Before he resorts to becoming a card-carrying comb over, get him a consultation with Dr. Arlene Spertus, who specializes in natural hair transplants. The consultation is free, so there's no money and no risk required. The good doctor will even correct hair(less) disasters, like the one your guy created when he tried to glue on that carpet swatch he mistook for a wig.
Arlene Spertus, 50 NE 26th Ave., suite 404,
If this wannabe spin-doctor even thinks Madonna is going to listen to any mixes made on a Fisher Price record player, he may as well consider spinning Lawrence Welk for the Century Village set. What he needs isn't a course in scratching, but the Vestax PDX 2000 turntable, a serious toy with a reverse button that does the back scratching for you. It's space-age design is easy on the eyes even if the music may not always be so easy on the ears. Although it's designed for the professional, this turntable is user friendly and will have your junior Junior Vasquez spinning heads in clubland in no time.
$499.99, DJ Store,
1481 South Military Trail, 561-966-6881;
862 E Oakland Park Blvd., 954-564-3594;
Wife with a Perpetual Headache
You know there's a problem when your wife would rather watch the Sci Fi Network's double dose of Crossing Over with John Edward from 11 p.m. to midnight than cross over on to your side of the bed and get busy. Don't despair. An enterprising coffee shop owner out in Nashville got busy with her chemistry set and created Niagara, a love potion that works on women with constant headaches. If you don't believe us, ask Julia Roberts. She's said to be considering starring in a movie all about the stuff. Therefore it must work.
Spice of Life, 2940 SW 30th Ave.,
Hallandale, 954-458-5200; 2600 N University Dr., Sunrise;
There's nothing like making a major fashion statement, whether by wearing PETA's "Fur Sucks" T-shirt or, if you're Jennifer Lopez, by wearing practically nothing at all. That's why Jimmy Star has created these one-of-a-kind, five-pocket, button- fly jeans with multi-color, multi-print faux fur (so you can still wear the PETA shirt with it) panels, some sheer, throughout the entire extravaganza. These are the Las Vegas of denim; in fact, if Sigfried or Roy saw them, they'd find it hard to tame their tigers in these threads.
$249.99, Jimmy Star,
2402 N Federal Highway, 954-390-6371;
1940 E Sunrise Blvd., 954-768-0043;
A graduate of the Liberace and Neil Diamond school of over-adornment, this person knows not the meaning of white space. Everything has to be covered in rhinestones and sequins, even the toilet seat. Ouch! Surprise this razzle dazzler by sending in his or her very favorite item (if you can find one that's still free of their gaudy artistry) to Project Stud, where it will be returned in its fully flashy glory. No item will go unstoned. For inspiration, DJ Samantha Ronson had her turntable beaded. They'll do anything that isn't living.
Call Project Stud, 212-501-4482
As children, these people never thought eight was enough, but they did think that three was certainly company. As adults, they still feel the same way, only instead of resorting to making naughty with Barbie, Ken and Skipper, they choose to live "the lifestyle," in which sharing takes on an entirely different meaning. Whether they're attached or not, it matters not at Club Hedonism, the European-style swingers club in which almost anything goes. That is, except you and yours.
1 year membership for couples,
$50; single men, $150; single women, $20
1000 E Sample Rd., Pompano Beach,
Know someone who gives you the willies? Perhaps it's the guy in the cubicle next to yours, or, sadly, it may be your husband. And while this person never seems to shed his skin, why not give him something that does in the form of an albino iguana, python or an exotic albino Nile monitor? Reptiles, unlike the recipient of this gift, aren't as slimy as they look, really.
$15-$2,000, Reptile Shop
2245 W Hillsboro Blvd., Deerfield Beach;
No matter how big a rock you get your dear fiancée, it will never compensate for the fact that something is clearly missing in the relationship. The Wonderbra did the trick until it was time to unhook the damn thing. Prevent deflation of many things, cough, by hooking her up with the folks at Brava for an FDA-approved, non-surgical breast enlargement. It's allegedly painless, clinically proven and endorsed by the ladies on The View, so it must be good.
Brava, 4018 Sheridan St., Hollywood,