Donít Get Holidazed!

Holiday Gift Guide 2001

The One Who Stands by You
No matter what, this person always makes sure there's a seat for you. Whether you're at a bar or a standing-room-only event, this kind person makes sure there's somewhere cushy to rest your tushy. Poor thing. Too much standing can cause varicose veins, you know. Take a stand for once in your life and get this person the Portable Loveseat, which is actually big enough to fit two booties, as long as each one doesn't exceed the 250 pound maximum. And while the two of you are sitting, you'll actually be taking a stand against terrorism, as this made-in-America product donates $10 from each sale to the Victims' Relief Fund.
www.cmonsite.com/patriote

Thigh Scraper
Sooner or later a large majority of women will inevitably succumb to the wrath of the cottage cheese curse. Look at Liz Hurley or the lither-than-life Jerry Hall. They both suffer from cellulite. Doctors say it's genetic, so blame your mother, not your addiction to Burger King. If you have smooth thighs, consider yourself lucky. In the meantime the cellu-laden continue to complain and do anything possible to rid themselves of this unsightly mess. When she saw that special on Dateline about sandpapering away the cellulite, she tried that. It didn't work. Whether you believe it or not, beauty experts insist that Laboratoire Remede's slender Active Amplifier works by causing a 4-percent reduction in the thickness of fat layers under the skin. What they don't say is that the 4-percent is refilled with this cream. But, hey, a lot of it is psychological. It can't hurt, right?
By the caseload for $300 or individual bottles for $55,
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or
www.blissworld.com

Boyfriend with the Unibrow
As a child you never imagined dating Bert from Sesame Street. Ever. If anything, cute, cuddly Ernie, but Bert? He's evil. And what's up with that continuous eyebrow? It's scary. Welcome to your adult life, when most straight men tend not to pluck their brows even if they do look as if they've been separated at birth from Bert. And while you continue to, uh, browbeat over this disturbing matter, it's not doing anything to part the brows a la Moses and the Red Sea. A not-so-subtle gift idea for your Bert lookalike is Poetic Cosmetics' Precision Brow Shaping set in which perfectly placed brows are guaranteed. Complete with five pairs of reusable stick-on shaping stencils, one pan each of light, medium, and dark browshades, an arch-enhancing browbone toner, dual-ended applicator and a tube of Brow'd Control, clear grooming and setting gel. Sure it sounds a bit effeminate, but tell him that you read (in In Style) that Harrison Ford uses it, or one of his favorite, macho athletes. Good luck.
For a female with similar problem, replace Bert mentions (except the evil part, of course) with Frida Kahlo.
Bliss Out, 888-243-8825 or
www.blissworld.com

Browbeater
Unlike the aforementioned, this person is constantly doing something to his or her eyebrows, whether it's plucking, waxing, penciling or, more often than not, mangling. In fact, they're almost beyond repair, nearly nonexistent with a shape as amorphous as an amoeba's. Let this person's poor brows take some shape with DV8-the Salon's brilliant, wax-free eyebrow sculpting. Known as threading, this technique guarantees a defined shape without damaging the surrounding skin. We'd explain how it's done, but it's something you have to see to believe.
$20, DV8-the Salon, 1860 West Ave.,
Miami Beach, 305-695-0234

Venus Williams Fan
First and foremost, Venus Williams is a tennis player. A good one, at that. And sort of like the models who want to act, the actors who want to direct and the fools that can't be satisfied with their one, well- paying talent-slash-career, Venus Williams, a graduate of a Fort Lauderdale fashion school, wants to be a clothing designer. Say no more, said Wilsons Leather, which is now featuring the official Venus Williams Collection of leatherwear, not tenniswear, but leatherwear that only a true fan could love. Choose from several styles of jackets, pants and skirts. Too bad there's not a leather muzzle to shut Venus's dad up when she's on the court.
From $80, Wilsons Leather,
Bayside Marketplace, 401 Biscayne Blvd., 305-358-3872;
Sawgrass Mills, 12801 W Sunrise Boulevard, 954-846-7082;
Town Center at Boca Raton, 6000 W Glades Rd., 561-417-5075

Anna Kournikova Fan
Most people like the Williams sisters for their talent. Those who tend to obsess over Anna Kournikova, however, are digging her for other reasons. If you need to know what these are, then don't even bother continuing. For the die-hard Anna fan, the tennis nymph has her very own video. No, not that kind of video, but Basic Elements, Anna's complete, and we mean complete, fitness guide. Somehow, we think that the recipients of this video will spend most of their viewing time working up a different kind of sweat.
$14.99, Best Buy, 12301 W Sunrise Blvd.,
Fort Lauderdale, 954-423-1999;
20540 State Road 7, Boca Raton,
561-477-5367; www.bestbuy.com

Tough Cookie
This one's a food snob, a clothes snob, a movie snob. Generally, a pain in the ass. Nothing is every up to par with the standards of this overly critical person. While your first thought is to not get this person a gift at all, we've got something that's hard for anyone to look down upon. Unless, of course, they don't like sweets, in which case, skip the rest of this and proceed to the next items. Otherwise, the hard-to-top Neiman-Marcus Christmas Book catalogue has a perfect gift for this person. A tin of 13 not just sweet, but chic, cookies from Eleni's New York Bakery created in the likeness of items by Gucci, Kate Spade, Burberry and Oscar de la Renta, among others. Shoes, bags and dresses, all edible. If the person starts to complain, just shove one of these in their mouth.
$65, 800-825-8000

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