The Campaign that Wasn't

An insider in the governor's race tells his tawdry tale

"Next thing we needed to do was to get this woman into a tank. I told her handlers, 'Lose the truck. She needs to look tougher, tougher! People think Democrats are soft. And hey, she couldn't look any dumber than Dukakis.' And don't forget, we're at war, and Florida is positively crawling with terrorists. Our government needs to project the image of being ready for anything.
   "That image of Janet in the tank was going to be an icon for a whole slew of bumper stickers, posters, and direct-mail pieces," the Player yammered on. "Yeah, the whole Waco debacle could be seen as a liability, but that thing on Saturday Night Live where she crashed through the wall seemed to go over pretty well. That bumper sticker where she's about to roll over bin Laden is a laff riot."

"Seriously, this whole experience made me consider giving up this line of work," the Player groused. "But then I got a call from a judicial candidate asking for some help. The Judge Joyce shot glasses are coming in from the manufacturer next week. "He paused, then lowered his voice to a growl and declared, "Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in."
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