Everyone complains about the radio, but no one ever does anything about it. Ever find anything worth leaving the dial alone for? Ever tried? Forget "set it and forget it" -- driving without plenty of CDs is almost as dangerous as merging onto I-595 at rush hour. Search the FM dial up and down and backward for a half-hour -- it's enough to make you pack up and move to Port St. Lucie. The only good comes in the form of hip-hop (WKPX's "Urban Airwaves" program in particular) and, more recently, reggae. The beamed-in corporate signals that mysteriously dispense dreck without any human presence (a prime offender is Party 93.1's nonstop dance mix) do so with a soundless scream -- like pod people. Yet costs are minimized, and profits bubble over the beaker.
Here's a week's worth of research to prove our point:
Monday, January 6, 2:30-3 p.m.
WKPX (88.5): Hours of kiddie punk evidently makes someone happy. Not me.
90.9: Broward's dependable hip-hop pirate station lies adrift in static-y silence.
WTMI (93.1): Unfortunately, one of the six songs on Party 93's playlist is a faux-opera track.
WZTA (94.9): ZETA slaps on a testosterone patch in the form of Metallica's "Enter Sandman."
WXDJ (95.7): Lite-Latin elevator music; no redeeming social value detected.
WPOW (96.5): Power 96 turns a blind ear to the R. Kelly video controversy by pumping his new single "Ignition."
WFLC (97.3): The Police's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" is probably as adventurous as this adult-contemporary oasis gets.
WRMF (97.9): If you don't think it hurts to hear Travis Tritt's "I'm the Only One Strong Enough to Be Your Man," just give it a try.
Monday, January 6, 9-10 p.m.
WRMF: So this is where the American Idolalso-rans go to die.
WZTA: Another guy with Eddie Vedder Disease? Oh -- it's "Jeremy." Never mind.
WHQT (105.1): At first mistaken for Milli Vanilli, this was later ID'd as Terence Trent D'arby. The hair extensions threw me off.
WLVE (93.9): For a minute, you can pretend you're in a dentist's office. At the very least, LOVE 94 makes my teeth hurt.
WBBG (105.9): Old Aerosmith: bad. New Aerosmith: worse.
90.9: Back in business -- not only with reggae but with a real person, taking calls instead of shuffling canned tracks.
WPOW: Suggested slogan for Power 96: "We'll play anything too black for Party 93.1!" Hence, BK2 and P. Diddy's "Bump Bump Bump."
WHYI (100.7): Guilty-pleasure time thanks to the chorus of Jimmy Eat World's "In the Middle."
WMIB (103.5): The former Mega 103.5 recently fired its staff and became the personality-free "the new booty-shakin' 103.5 The Beat!" Claiming to be unleashing "10,000 joints in a row!" the station checks in with DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat."
Tuesday, January 7, 9:45 a.m.-1 p.m.
WMXJ (102.7): Something listenable, right off the bat: "Eight Days a Week" followed by that stalking bassline from "Green-Eyed Lady." It's magic!
WMIB: Missy Elliot's "Work It" finds yet another station on which to rotate heavily.
104.1: "The Boss," as this station is known, plays a winning selection of warm lover's rock and older reggae jams.
WKPX: Girls Against Boys, what a surprise!
WLRN (91.3): The odd, quaking voice of rheumy Diane Rehm, in this case discussing U.N. weapons inspections: can't live with it; can't live without it.
WTMI: Same operatic drum-machine nonsense again.
WMCU (89.7): Family News in Focus, the "fair-'n'-balanced" report from this Christian station, presents (gasp!) a negative story on the National Abortion and Reproductive Rights League.
WXEL (90.7): Ordinarily, I'd pass on Richard Strauss, but the overture from "Dance of the Kitchen Boy" is so damn stirring!
WKPX: Hey! Something really funky is going on here -- first with Hybrid and the Baldwin Brothers, then with a new track that could only be from Meat Beat Manifesto, with spine-cracking bass pulses and ballsy gutbucket drums! Don't touch that dial!
WMXJ: In a bad mood, so the Turtles' "Happy Together" makes waiting for a yacht to quit blocking traffic that much more interminable.
104.1: Donnie Elbert's sad cover of "Where Did Our Love Go?" seems much more apropos.
104.7: Selections from an old Bill Cosby comedy album wash away the taste of those Jell-O commercials remarkably well.
WXEL: More fun from our other public radio station -- an interview with the executive editor of Sky & Telescope magazine!
Wednesday, January 8, 11:30 a.m.
90.9: "Shake ya ting!" advises the effervescent and very locally oriented DJ for this newly rastafied pirate station, pimping a Saturday-night party at the Hibiscus Restaurant/Nightclub in Sunrise, a hangout featuring Chinese/Jamaican/Guyanese cooking.
WEDR (99.1): In which 99 Jams, with a little help from Busta Rhymes, advises us to "Pass the Courvoisier." A little early, but... don't mind if I do, Mr. Rhymes, don't mind if I do.
Wednesday, January 8, 3:15-6 p.m.
WKIS (99.9): In clear violation of the 1999 Clichés in Communications Act, there's actually a country song with the line "Chasin' that neon rainbow."
WHYI (100.7): Give me gangsta over this insipid lovey-dovey faux hip-hop any day.
WMXJ: This annoying cover of "Working My Way Back to You" makes me pine for Frankie Valli's falsetto, and that's all sorts of wrong.
WRTO (98.3): Tropical pop always goes better with timbales. I'm a sucker for timbales. Throw a handful of roasted pine nuts on there and I'm in heaven.
