New Bush in Town: It's Neil
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August 18, 2005
TALLAHASSEE -- Gov. Jeb Bush today proposed combining several key state agencies, all of which would then be outsourced to private management by Texas-based Ignite Inc., a company run by the governor's younger brother, Neil Bush.
The frère-based initiative, dubbed "Leave No Brother Behind" by family members, would be a corporate coup for the junior Bush, best remembered as the director of the Silverado Savings & Loan in Colorado, whose insolvency cost taxpayers $1 billion and led to a grand jury investigation. He has made little headway in securing additional contracts since partnering with Wackenhut Corp. 18 months ago to run the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.
The probable merger includes the Department of Business and Professional Regulation, which oversees licensing; the Public Service Commission, which regulates electric, gas, and telephone companies; the Treasury Department; the Financial Services Department, which regulates insurance companies; and the Ethics Commission, which sets standards of conduct for state employees and officials.
"The culture of business is a complex one, requiring an insider's knowledge," Jeb Bush told reporters. "Who then is best fit to oversee commerce? Pencil-pushing bureaucrats taking up space in a state office building or businessmen sculpted by the invisible hand of the market?"
The merger would dovetail nicely with the governor's recent filial-based initiative, in which daughter Noelle Bush became head of the privatized Department of Health, now named GlaxoSmithKline-Merck-Pfizer-Novartis-Schering. "I look forward to putting to use my extensive experience with pharmaceuticals for the good of all Florida citizens," she said during a press conference.
November 12, 2005
IMMOKALEE, Fla. -- The sun's rays are just peeking over the horizon as earthmovers begin rumbling out of this town on the edge of the Everglades. A stubborn storm system has halted their work for three days, but now they can return to the difficult task of draining the River of Grass.
The project is the brainchild of the board of directors at EarthTec, a multinational concern that runs the newly rechristened Florida Department of Environmental Protection, Exploration, and Capitalization. The Everglades will become a mixed-use development of oil rigs, professional sports facilities, citrus farms, commercial and retail space, and single- and multifamily dwellings.
As part of Gov. Jeb Bush's much-lauded favor-based initiative, EarthTec began managing the Sunshine State's publicly held environmental treasures a year ago. Directors for the conglomerate quickly learned that the forests, shorelines, swamps, and game preserves now in their care were serious money losers. Since then, EarthTec, whose subsidiaries include ExxonMobil, Florida Power & Light, TECO Energy, Swerdlow Group, AutoNation Inc., Blockbuster Entertainment Corp., Huizenga Holdings Inc., and Barron Collier Co., has negotiated deals with the U.S. Department of Energy to store spent nuclear fuel rods at state parks and with Home Depot to supply cypress wood.
Only several years ago, the Everglades was considered too mucky and bug-infested for any practical
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March 3, 2006
CHRISTMAS, Fla. -- During a brief press conference today in this small town nestled in orange grove country, Gov. Jeb Bush announced that the Department of Agriculture will be outsourced to a consortium of Florida citrus growers and sugar farmers. The department is expected to operate exactly as it has in the past, he said.
State government phased out
December 28, 2006
TALLAHASSEE -- Surrounded by reporters and the 200-or-so remaining state employees, Gov. Jeb Bush today announced his intention to run for president in 2008 after his term is over in two weeks. Bush took the opportunity to fire the assembled workers, then immediately rehire them as campaign staff.
Dubbed the Faust-based initiative by advisers, Bush's campaign will rely primarily on his record of privatizing Florida government and leaving this city a ghost town of shuttered office suites. In the ultimate term limit, Bush will be the last person to hold the now-irrelevant office of governor in Florida.
"No longer need the people of this state rely upon government bureaucrats to aid the poor, assist the sick and elderly, rein in the rapacious, represent the exploited, protect natural resources, and offer justice to victims," Bush said. "It's now a pay-as-you-go state, and citizens are free to pay fees for as many or as few services as they like."
Standing at the governor's side during the press conference was Mephistopheles, his new campaign manager and long-time prince of darkness. Displaying blackened teeth and emitting an acrid smell, the devil put many in the capitol rotunda at ease by asking them to just call him Old Scratch.
"Some people have asked me why I've committed to this campaign," said Mephistopheles, who is sole proprietor of HellCo LLC. "Simple: to let market forces winnow the weak from the strong."
Bush concluded, "I've emptied these state buildings of 170,000 workers, and I look forward to ousting the 1.8 million unionized federal workers who keep this nation from greatness."
"Unions," Mephistopheles scoffed, a cloud of sulfurous vapors wafting from his red lips. "And they call me evil."
