By Terrence McCoy
By Scott Fishman
By Deirdra Funcheon
By Allie Conti
By New Times Staff
By Ryan Pfeffer
By Deirdra Funcheon
By Kyle Swenson
His magnanimous response: "I think we'd have an obligation to do it."
But the governor apparently isn't such a big man after all. Early this month, he was calling for, of all things, a recount. He wanted a special election to repeal the amendment, but the idea was shot down not only by Democrats but by members of his own party.
But Jeb is just thinking of the children. He wants tax dollars to fund Christian schools, where kids can get a real education. The man is trying to save us from ourselves. Which brings us to...
...Sarcasm. When I wrote a little ditty about Broward elections supervisor Miriam Oliphant last month, a few readers fell short of the point. The phrase "Nubian nabobs of negativism" might have given it away, if not my calling her the "one bad seed in our political garden, that malignant tumor on our collective lung, that personification of all that is bad in our hearts," etc.
One guy who missed the point was a radio personality who calls himself "Michael the Black Man." People told me that he had called me the devil and a bunch of other things on the air for attacking Oliphant. I had never heard him before, mainly because the Miami station, WBOS-FM (104.1), doesn't come in that well in Broward County (and, incidentally, isn't licensed by the FCC).
Michael actually goes by Maurice Symonette, but that's not his original name. According to old court records, it's Maurice Woodside. As a young man, he became a devout follower of Yahweh ben "Locked Up" Yahweh and changed his name to "Mikael Israel."
Yahweh, of course, is the homicidal religious cult leader who believes himself to be God and the king of the real Jews, who he claims are black. Yahweh was released from prison in 2001 after serving ten years on racketeering and murder-conspiracy convictions.
Mikael Israel, it turns out, was charged with committing murder for Yahweh but was acquitted in 1992. Robert Rozier, a former professional football player and Yahweh convert who was a government witness in the case, claimed that Mikael also collected protection money for the cult from Miami drug dealers.
I tried to ask Maurice Mikael Woodside Symonette some questions, but he never returned my call. With the help of a carefully placed five-iron on an antenna, I was able to tune into his rants, though.
And now, I'm proud to say, I'm a dedicated convert.
We must all thank Yahweh that Mikael is on the airwaves. He has the courage to defend that most abused and put-upon sector of society, the deadbeat dads. He is one himself, owing more than $50,000 in child support. And he rightly eviscerates those evil single mothers who try to force fathers to take responsibility for their kids.
Because of those terrible vipers, we now dwell, as Mikael puts it, in the land of the lesbian, the land of the amazon, and the land of hell itself. Amen.
Mikael also is a proud Republican who says he believes Democrats are tools of the great Satan. During the 2000 election debacle, he showed up in Palm Beach County to shout down Jesse Jackson. Mikael preaches that the GOP will lead us back to God and keep us from paying taxes. Uh-huh.
And, bless the guy, he keeps giving shoutouts to Yahweh on the air, which is a good thing, because it's about time the real Jews stood up, instead of all these counterfeits, especially the posers who survived the Holocaust. That's right.
What I love most about Mikael is that he's a fighter. He managed not only to beat a murder charge but to run a radio station for months without a license. The man is wily, which brings us to...
...Michael the white man. I'm talking about Michael Swerdlow, who has now ended more Broward political careers than graft and grab-ass combined. Just last week, the dashing developer inadvertently garroted Pompano Beach Mayor Bill Griffin, who was spearheading Swerdlow's International Swimming Hall of Fame. The project was well-balanced, with two parts land-grab and two parts boondoggle, so it shocked no one when I reported last July that Griffin was on the take. Turned out Swerdlow helped the mayor land a job at Turner Construction, a company that had worked with the developer in the past and was bidding to build the swim hall and two high-rise condos.
Griffin didn't stand a chance. Susan Foster, a not-so-impressive political newcomer, beat him in last Tuesday's vote after she promised to bring honesty to city hall and save the beach from Swerdlow, who now will almost surely have to peddle his Olympic-sized pool in another town.
The mayor's fall came just one month after the Miami Herald reported that Swerdlow's development firm paid Miami Commissioner Arthur Teele more than $100,000 for legal work last year while angling for projects in Teele's jurisdiction. The commissioner remains in office, but now that he has that Swerdlow stink on him, he should be exiting public life fairly soon. Teele can commiserate with Griffin, as well as Sylvia Poitier and Norman Abramowitz, two former Broward County commissioners who were voted out of office after they supported Swerdlow's financially disastrous 1998 Port Everglades land deal.