By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
The sun had just peeked over the slash pines in Loxahatchee early on a recent Monday as Terry Wolf got ready for the dirtiest job around. He looked the part of a man who oversees the care of 1,100 animals at Lion Country Safari, the drive-through zoo in this western Palm Beach County town. He wore olive cargo shorts and a khaki shirt that completed the uniform of an explorer on the Serengeti. There was just one item missing from his ensemble at that moment, and, sweet Jesus, it was an important one. "You've really got to tape them off so they don't slide around," Wolf said. As he spoke, he pulled a pair of disposable plastic gloves over his hands, past his elbows, and up to his shoulders. He secured them with duct tape. Wolf was about to go into the backside of a 10,000-pound elephant named Bulwagi. No glove is truly big enough for a job like that. "Last time was not really so bad," he recalled, "but sometimes lots of... well, let's just say he releases on top of me."
Suited up, Wolf ducked between the bars of Bulwagi's temporary cage and lifted the elephant's scraggly tail. "OK, I'm going in."
Now, before this gruesome scene continues, it's important to put it into perspective. There's a damn good reason Wolf covered himself in elephant turd that Monday. It had to do with Bulwagi's being, well, such a freakin' stud. This 22-year-old, Loxahatchee-born-and-bred goliath has a higher sperm count than any other elephant in any zoo across the United States. That means zookeepers everywhere are lining up for Bulwagi's semen like girls at a Brad Pitt sighting.
To be specific, only half of the country's 30 male elephants are at accredited zoos. What's worse, only a pack's dominant male has a high-enough sperm count to mate. That leaves Bulwagi and two others as the most eligible elephants around.
It used to be that zookeepers would have simply set Bulwagi up the old-fashioned way, on blind dates with the nation's most eligible female elephants. But the truth is, Bulwagi is still a youngster at 22, and like some young human males (we know, it has never happened to you before), the poor guy isn't much of a performer. "He's got a girlfriend here," Wolf says, pointing to Lady Bird, the female elephant Bulwagi has had his eye on for years, who is standing in a grassy field nearby. "But he gets too excited. He usually finishes before he can start."
So that leaves Wolf with a messy alternative. Remarkably, in the way animal keepers seem to take on ugly assignments with blind love of their work, it's a task he doesn't speak of with any trepidation. About three times a month, Wolf dons shoulder-high gloves for the quickest way to get a sample from young Bulwagi. The details are, frankly, a bit too disgusting even for New Times, but let's just say it involves a meeting between a gallon jug of lubricant and Bulwagi's prostate. It seems elephants are into that sort of thing.
After the first try Monday, Wolf took a break to wipe a much-needed paper towel across his face and tape on a new pair of gloves. He explains that at first, zookeepers with Disney's Animal Kingdom brought an ultrasound device to Lion Country so he could find his way around. That was back in 1999, and since then, Wolf has perfected the process blindly. He gives props to Bulwagi. "He's gotten into it," Wolf says. "I'm strictly just the doer of the deed."
The high sperm count is only part of the reason Bulwagi is in such demand. Many elephants aren't as, well, excitable as Bulwagi, Wolf says. Jack, the male elephant at Disney's park, won't put up with such an invasion, and others simply don't have the quick turnaround, requiring handlers to spend exhaustive hours trying to collect a sample. So Bulwagi is perhaps the first male in the history of the world to become popular for his lack of sexual stamina.
After an earlier collection that Monday, Wolf sent the sample over to Lion Country's veterinarian. Then came the bad news: The semen was too diluted when Bulwagi peed at the end of the process; Wolf would have to go back in.
If you're wondering, Bulwagi doesn't seem to care about the whole thing. He casually deposited piles of hay and apples into his mouth with his dexterous trunk during the process. Occasionally, his left tusk would bang offhandedly against the bars of the cage. He broke his right tusk in half when he fell one night when he was young. It developed a cavity not long after, and zookeepers had to remove it. His girlfriend, Lady Bird, who stood in the field throughout the procedure, didn't seem to mind the missing tusk. In fact, she didn't even care that her guy was getting kinky without her.
After an hour in the hot morning sun, Wolf finally got the results he was looking for. Two of the keepers, using poles with bags on the end to catch the semen, managed a bounty. Under a microscope back at the vet's office, millions of little Bulwagis swam frantically in that upstream fight against natural selection.