Dead Man Driving

A hawker pays a high price. A drunk driver tries to pay a deep-fried bribe.

Al needs your help. So log on to eBay and start bidding on Goldstein's items today. There's the Sammy Davis Jr. soda machine ("Working!") starting at $13,000. Or maybe you're a cigar smoker like the fat man. Take a look at the pornographer's many humidors on the online auction block: the George Burnshumidor ($20,000), the Yankel Ginzburghumidor ($27,000), the Thomas Jeffersonhumidor ($29,000), and the Milton Berlehumidor, which comes complete with a letter from the actor himself ($10,000). As of this writing, no one had bid on any of Goldstein's items.

But that doesn't surprise Tailpipe. Isn't it, after all, supposed to be the sex that sells?


Nobody's more thrilled about the Marlins' recent success than this emissions-clearing tube. The Fish are jumpin', all right. Until now, though, nobody has written the true story of the team's remarkable surge. Tailpipe's sources say it's not the great pitching or the timely hitting. It's what goes on in front of a kosher hot dog stand on the second level, in front of Gate 149, at Pro Player Stadium. Right there, just before sunset on game days, a small band of Jews gathers for prayer. Hollywood accountant David Goldis usually pulls together a minyan (a quorum of ten men) from among spectators and vendors, often using Marlins-inscribed paper napkins provided by the hot dog stand as yarmulkes. It's a simple inelegant service. The men face the parking lot, close their eyes, and recite their evening prayers.

Now, Goldis and friends aren't claiming any credit for the Marlins' success. It's just a religious obligation they're satisfying, they say. "You're supposed to pray three times a day," says Goldis, who hands out miniprayer books, soon to be inscribed with the team's logo. "If you're here, you obviously can't leave to go to synagogue." But a few of the participants admit that the matter at hand on the field sometimes sneaks into their little service. So it was the other day, when in a game the Marlins eventually won in the 13th inning, Mike Lowell blasted a two-run single to right in the middle of prayers.

"See," 19-year-old Mordy Schachter said, "my intentions worked today."

-- As told to Edmund Newton

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