THU 8/28Now that he's assured himself a place in the history books with his master-ful rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," Ozzy Osbourne is ready to take South Florida by storm. Actually, we didn't mind the bizarre garbled singing. We just wondered how come his "Ball Game" rendition was like his talking voice. Why didn't he sound like he sounds on "Crazy Train"? But that's neither here nor there. After all, you won't see any "Ball Game" covers at Ozzfest. Held at Sound Advice Amphitheatre (601-7 Sansbury's Way, West Palm Beach), this year's Ozzfest lineup includes the usual suspects, bands people love to thrash to: Chevelle, Chimaira, Cradle of Filth, Disturbed, E-Town Concrete, Endo, Hotwire Killswitch Engage, Korn, Marilyn Manson, Memento, Motograter, Nothingface, Shadows Fall, Sworn Enemy, Twisted Method, Unloco, Voivod, and, of course, the Prince of Darkness himself. Tickets cost $45.75 to $75.75, and the all-day slamfest begins at an almost-disturbing 9 a.m. Call 561-793-0445.
FRI 8/29Finally, the key (heh heh) to successful dating is in your hands -- literally! At least, that's what they want you to think at the Lock and Key Party at Delux (16 E. Atlantic Ave., Delray Beach). Touted as the "ultimate ice breaker," guys (of course) get the keys and women get the locks (sexual imagery, anyone?). The goal is to match the right key with the right lock, win a ticket for a prize drawing, and possibly meet someone new and exciting. Check out this testimonial from the Lock and Key Party website: "Amazing. I've never seen anything like it. All the gorgeous women of a popular club, but none of the noise, and with my key, I was able to approach like 150 different women to see if I unlocked. It's BY FAR the most effective way to meet women and not get any attitude." You heard it here first, no attitude! Unlock your future at 7:30 p.m. Twenty bucks gets you a free drink and appetizers. Call 754-264-5109.
SAT 8/30 Our Place in Space is an on-going event at Buehler Planetarium (3501 SW Davie Rd., Davie) that helps kids unravel the mystery of the night sky. And with the current historic placement of Mars, it only makes sense that kids should get in on the fun too. Join Scarlett the Macaw and friends as they try to solve a crossword puzzle in the sky with clues about day and night, the sun, the constellations, and the planets. The live show is followed by an actual tour of the current night sky. Perfo mancesstart at 1:30 p.m., and the cost is $4. Call 954-201-6681.
SUN 8/31Classic cars from two continents line up at CityPlace (700 S. Rosemary Ave., West Palm Beach) today and Monday from noon to 6 p.m. for the Blast from the Past Classic Auto Show. With a behemoth like CityPlace, you should also know that the festivities take place between Macy's and Publix. There. Now it should only take you a couple of hours to find the place. In any case, this show features much more than the usual '57 Chevy. Classic cars from America and Europe, including everything from Ford to Jaguar to Porsche, line up in rows for day-dreaming car junkies to drool over. Admission is free. Call 561-366-1000, ext. 5.
MON 9/1Heeerrrrre's Labor Day! Oh sweet, wonderful, three-day weekend! Oh glorious reminder that summer nears an end! Oh homage to time off from toil, to barbecues and swimming pools, to hamburgers and hot dogs, to Mom and apple pie! This day. This holiday. This... Labor Day. But where to spend the one day of the year that you get off from work simply because it's work? A day of cotton candy, dunking tanks, carnival booths, and picnic food seems the perfect answer. And so, then, it's off to Sunshine Cathedral's (1480 SW Ninth Ave., Fort Lauderdale) Sunshine Country Fair, which takes place from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Fair attendees can expect almost anything quintessential to the carnival. Admission is free. Call 954-462-2004.
TUE 9/2They're here, they're queer, and they wanna cheer. Auditions for the Fort Lauderdale Queerleadersare being held on a daily basis. The group promotes charity functions, makes appearances at local events, marches in pride events, and high-kicks some spirit and attitude with a capital A into South Florida. Potential queerleaders must be 21 or older. If you don't mind wearing a skirt, and you can do a toe touch or pull off a split (ouch), then contact Robby Kendall at 954-525-7703 to schedule an audition. The Queerleaders make their debut in September.
WED 9/3Yeah, we all hated P.E. class in school. But everything uncool is cool again. Didn't you get the hipster memo? That's why I/O Lounge (30 NE 14th St., Miami) is reviving the dreaded scourge of physical fitness via an adrenaline-filled shot of middle school fun called P.E. Check out grown men in flimsy jogging shorts and sweatbands, and witness a sea of Lycra leotards and -- gulp -- hot pink legwarmers with high heels! Of course, you need some good workout music, so you can jam out to DJ Hottpants and others as they spin '80s hip-hop, dance pop, Miami bass, indie rock, and maybe even Prince. You'll freak out like Jessie Spano on diet pills. Roll call starts at 10 p.m., and $5 gets you in. Enjoy drink specials all night. Call 305-358-8007.