A Christmas Confession

Columnist repents, vows to stop killing Christian fundamentalists

Rush's brother's book has been touted as a classic by such open-minded critics as Sean Hannity, who likes Rush's brother so much that he hired him as his personal attorney. "At last -- some sense in the Church/State debate!" Hannity raves on the book jacket. "Buy this book... and send a copy to every politician, judge, and Supreme Court justice you can find."

While promoting the book on the cable news circuit in September, Rush's brother appeared on Hannity's Fox News Channel show. Alan Colmes, Hannity's little stalking horse on the left, made a vain attempt to defend the Godless media. "We live in a secular country," said Colmes, who often frightens people with his probing insight and searing clarity of vision.

Said Rush's brother, "Well, what about the media and various liberal media people calling, likening Christians, the Christian right, to the American Taliban?"

Even Colmes' incredible brain couldn't defend that one.

"Of course, there are many examples as you point out, where I think people make the wrong judgment...," he mumbled.

Thank you, sir; may I have another?

D. James Kennedy, the national TV evangelist based at the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Fort Lauderdale, also hailed the book: "Often the people who clamor for tolerance are among the most intolerant people in our society. David Limbaugh documents this in his new book, Persecution -- in particular, the intolerance against Christians. This book is sorely needed in our day, when the only 'acceptable' prejudice of our day is the bias against Christians."

Tell me about it, D. It's about time that other prejudices, like, say, those against gays and black quarterbacks, become acceptable too. I mean, it's only fair. And everyone knows that Christians have no real power in America, other than their rather inconsequential domination of Congress, the White House, and the U.S. Supreme Court.

People really should be allowed to piss off whomever they damn well please. I myself have gotten hate mail from far-out Christians who believe in killing sinners, way-out Jews who believe in killing Palestinians, and totally gone Muslims who believe in killing Americans. Only Buddhists have left me alone, maybe because they don't plan to kill anyone. Yet.

Oh yeah, I know you're up to something, you Buddhist bastards.

But now it's time to confess my own taste for blood. For many years, I celebrated not what you may call the "Christmas season" but the Christianseason. Hunting time. I stalked lovers of Jesus as sport, pinned them down with my rather massive paws, and chewed the life out of them. It was a gory business, but don't judge me too harshly: Like John Kerry, I always ate what I killed. It was great sport, and truthfully, they weren't bad on the old palate, with a strangely pleasing taste of pork and canned corn.

Getting that guilt off my chest feels good. Now if I could only get the blood stains off my floor mats. I want to make it clear, though, that I never cannibalized your average follower of Christ. Some of my best friends are Christians. So are my parents, though they are inactive (my dad, however, used to yell about God quite a bit -- I thought his last name was Dammit until I was 6). Also on board with J.C. are my wife and 8-year-old son (yeah, they got to him too).

My victims, though, had to be the fire-and-brimstone kind, fundamentalist to the core. If they wanted me to track them down and eat them, they had to suggest replacing the Bill of Rights with the Ten Commandments, the Constitution with the Bible, and Swankmagazine with The New Testament for Dummies. That kind of thing.

But Rush's brother has made me see the error of my ways. The Jerry Falwell/Moral Majority types aren't the ones waging the culture wars. It's irresponsible liberals. It's time for peace, not persecution. So let's allow them to institute school prayer, jail homosexuals, outlaw abortion, radically expand the death penalty, ban all controversial art, and begin a holy war against the Arab world. It's the Christian thing to do.

Here's my sacred promise: Christian season, thanks to Rush's brother, is officially closed.

It's time to stop persecuting Christian Righters and allow them to take over America. Then we can all get stoned and find out what the joy of persecution really feels like.

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