Sonic Youth

Ponytails. They're the only way to know if men over 40 are "with it." It's common knowledge: Ponytails are the nonverbal signal for cool. It's a fashion-smart way of saying, "I'm lookin' clean and tidy, but check me on the flipside and I'll show you what I'm really about." I'll be blunt: If you don't have a p-tail, then I'm not interested in you or your band. Sonic Youth's members are supposedly hip. The median age of the group is 45. Yet, where are the ponytails?

Take some inventory, Sonic Youth. You may have discovered Nirvana and changed the face of modern music with your experimental riffs, but there are no ponies on the track. For my money, this new collection of songs has all the textured rock anthems I need, but it has to be reissued with new cover art that shows the band can still relate to the youth market via haircuts. Ponytail haircuts. Sonic Nurse is a superb rock record, genius even. But until those fuckers grow 'tails, I'm gonna have to give it negative 16 stars. -- Todd Lamb