Earache

The sex-obsessed Gravy Train!!!! answers question about sex!!!!

Gravy Train!!!! (yes, the four exclamation points are part of the name) is a four-piece band from Oakland, California, that's composed of Chunx, Funx, Hunx, and Junx. Chunx, the singer, and Funx, the keyboardist, are two curvy, potty-mouthed ladies; Hunx and Junx are their boy-gravy-crazy male counterparts. Gravy Train!!!! is the champion of the hungry, the horny, and the socially outcast. If you have an unnatural craving for Schlitz and Big Macs, they're your band. If you've ever preferred a night with your Hitachi Magic Wand to some doughy guy with beer stains on his shirt, they feel your pain. This is, after all, a band that has recorded a song called "You Made Me Gay," in which Hunx details how Chunx's unbangable beav turned him into a flaming homo. They don't beat around the bush, so to speak.

The group's 2003 full-length, Hello Doctor, is a sexually charged, lo-fi autobiography with a beat, strapping on the influences of JJ Fad and L'Trimm and ramming in the humorous theatrics of the B-52's. Songs like "Burger Baby," a ditty about getting knocked up by hamburger, and "Heart Attack," an ode to masturbation and snacks ("I'm cookin' crack on the stove to knock out my frontal lobe/And get my mind off the perversion that's makin' my eyes roam/To bags of fast food instead of well-endowed dudes"), won the hearts of closet pervs across the country. On their most recent single, "Ghost Boobs," a bereaved Chunx laments losing her trademark gazongas after going on a diet.

It's a tasty concoction, indeed. What could have spawned this group of smut-starved, porno-obsessed, dance misfits? Well, three of the four members went to Catholic school. "I was always pretty much a pervert," Chunx says via phone from Oakland. "Everybody knew it. [In school] there were rules to abide by, so you couldn't be too over-the-top. But everyone would come to me for [sex] trivia and to find out what certain words meant."

With that in mind, I decided to put Chunx's knowledge of sex to the test with some queries from the hungry and horny of South Florida.

Q. My girlfriend wants me to engage in some "alternative" sex acts -- the "rusty trombone," the "banana peel" -- but I'm scared. I've never done anything but "straight" missionary position with my boxers on and the lights off. What can I do to ease the pain of having her come in through the out door?

Bummed out in Boca Chunx: Dude, you should be scared, because I haven't heard of any of those terms. I guess from the rest of your question I can assume they're just all anal adventures? That's not too scary. It seems like you're very open-minded about trying it, which makes you a really killer boyfriend right off the bat (and not afraid that the rubbery glow-in-the-dark jelly dildo attached to your hot girlfriend will turn you into Carson from Queer Eye). On an unrelated note, please stop wearing boxers. Most girls I know like to see a hairy dong popping out of some tighty whities, not a pillowy, paisley-print campground!

Q:There's this guy I really like. He's smart, handsome, and employed. He's also my boss. It's driving me crazy, and I can't concentrate at work. Should I just corner him when he's working late one night and bang him in the break room? Or should I play it cool and just continue pining for him in my cubicle?

Faxed Up in Fort Lauderdale Chunx:From what I've seen on TV, banging your boss is nothing but bad news. What if he's bad in the sack and all you can think about when he's asking you to "fax these TPS reports" is how he looks exactly like Gary Busey when he comes? What if the way he talks dirty reminds you of a serial killer you saw on a Lifetime movie? How could you keep working there? I wouldn't be able to handle it. If doing him means more to you than keeping your job, quit that shit and then invite him over for drinks.

Q:What's the best post-coitus food to serve my lady? I've tried those little Vienna sausages, but there was an unfortunate... incident.

Hungry in Hollywood Chunx:I like Stouffer's macaroni and cheese in the orange box, gallons of fizzy water, cheeseburgers from In-N-Out, and grilled-cheese sandwiches with cucumbers and Cajun spices. If the person who just gave it to me will cook anything for me right afterward, I'm so stoked, even if it tastes shitty.

Q: After sex, I briefly go deaf in my left ear. What's up with that? Huh?

Deaf in Deerfield Chunx:It's cool to be kinky and wacky in the sack, but tell your partner to stop screwing your ear. That's kind of weird.

 
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