By Francisco Alvarado
By Trevor Bach
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
How Not to Name a City
When state representative Ken Gottlieb penned the bill that may create a new town out of four unincorporated neighborhoods in south Broward, he tentatively named it "West Park."
But several residents of the area, which includes Carver Ranches, Lake Forest, Utopia, and Miami Gardens, claim the Hollywood Democrat has been promoting a new, more, uh, familiar name lately. Would you believe "Kenwood"? "Wood," for its proximity to Hollywood, and "Ken," for, well, guess who.
Gottlieb, an attorney who owns a title company, downplayed the rumor, saying he hasn't been pushing for the name at all. "I have been saying they should sell the naming rights," he said. "You know, like to Kenwood stereos. No, just kidding."
Jokes aside, Gottlieb really hopes the town, which will have 14,000 residents if voters approve the plan on November 2, will be named after him. "It's extremely flattering and nice and the name does sound good," he says modestly. "I have told people about it in my family and my inner circle, but I haven't really been promoting it."
Kenwood, however, is generating a little controversy. Before sponsoring the bill, Gottlieb supported annexation of the area by any of three neighboring cities. "He thought it would be great to have his name on it, but he was thinking more like Kentown or Ken City," says Lake Forest neighborhood association president Yunsook Valladares. "But a lot of people are very angry about that. They don't want Ken to get credit for it. People have worked hard to create the city and they blame him for screwing it up a couple times."
Kenwood -- it doesn't have much cachet. And, let's face it, most people would assume the city was named after the more famous, but equally diminutive, Sheriff Ken Jenne.
So how about Gottstown? Or Gottscorner? All right, how about Gottagittimouttahere?
Mud Pies for Voters
Assuming the boyishly good-looking Jim Stork ever returns from his hideout in Massachusetts, the home state of his 70-year-old partner, he'll be remembered for one thing: political ineptitude.
After raising more than $1 million through a national network of gay donors in an effort to oust Republican Rep. E. Clay Shaw, Stork flaked out. He went into hiding, claimed to suffer from some mysterious but nonfatal heart condition, and sent out a bulk e-mail to campaign volunteers and donors that basically stated: I'm out.
Too bad Stork proved to be better at making baked Alaskas than understanding election laws. The former Wilton Manors mayor waited so long to drop out that the Democratic Party's ability to replace him on the ballot was left to the discretion of official Republican Party Election Rigger -- er, Secretary of State -- Glenda Hood. For Democrats -- not a good thing. Hood said, "Uh-uh, Mr. Stork. You're on the ballot along with that other Republican-financed candidate, Ralph Nader."
"This will be Jim Stork's legacy," says Broward Democratic Party chair Mitch Ceasar. "The Republicans always play tails they win, heads we lose. I suppose if Jim Stork actually wins this election, Glenda Hood will then declare him ineligible."
The Democratic Party has launched a last-minute attempt to put 44-year-old Robin Rorapaugh, a former aide to U.S. Rep. Peter Deutsch, in Stork's ballot slot -- and Leon County Circuit Judge Janet Ferris has supported the idea. Appeals are pending.
In any case, one thing is clear: Constitution Party candidate Jack McLain, who's running on a platform "to restore American jurisprudence to its Biblical foundations" will most certainly be listed. Then there's write-in hopeful Don Kennedy, whose number-one issue is turning the federal government into a unicameral system, pesky Constitution be damned.
The 'Pipe urges voters to ignore these bozos. He will write in Donald Duck, who dominates the field in terms of high-minded eloquence. Szgod blezh America.
The name of Glenda, the slimy, sleazy, witch of North Florida, came up in conversation recently when Tailpipe crossed paths with radio personality and Bill O'Reilly foil Al Franken, whose Air America radio show can now be heard in South Florida on WINZ-AM (940). The 'Pipe was in a whimsical mood. If this election season were a fairy tale, what would be a just end for Jeb Bush's handpicked head of elections, who, as we all remember, botched the felons list, fought against a voting machine paper trail, and has done her damnedest to see that Ralph Nader ends up on November's ballot?
"Ummm, usually there's melting," Franken chuckled. "Or disappear and come back as what you really are, like a toad or a weasel." So? A gleam appeared in Franken's eyes. "She comes back as an electronic voting machine. But there's no way to find Glenda, no paper trail. 'Let me out! Help!' If there had been a paper trail, we'd be able to find Glenda and turn her back into herself, and she'd be able to enjoy the rest of her life... but no."
What About the Nephew?
While older Floridians may blame the Bush cabal for the 2000 election meltdown, first-time voters have their own issues. Tailpipe was recently watching a Broward Community College student distribute Kerryphernalia on the Coconut Creek campus when another student approached and voiced his frustration: "I wish there was some way we could vote Bush's brother out, too. Fucked me over on the FCAT."