The je ne sais quoi of DMD

Death Metal Douglas hates the Pixies, likes chick flicks, and wants some f*cking respect

Disproving the laws of karma, he continues, "I've seen anywhere from 60 to 80 local bands. I like the Numb Ones a lot. I support a lot of bands. I buy CDs from other bands in this town, and none of that's come back to me, and that really makes me bitter."

Why, in Death Metal's opinion, do these scenesters have no time for DMD?

"I feel like we just aren't indie enough or whatever. People are so into being fricking cool. To say your band is an indie band is almost as cheesy and useless and meaningless as saying you're an alternative band. It's stupid, and anyone who does it is dumb. It seems like now it's a prerequisite that you wear a cardigan, you have to not be able to play guitar very well, and you have to like the Pixies, who I hate, by the way."

A picture worth a thousand clitoral erections
Colby Katz
A picture worth a thousand clitoral erections

"Why?"

"They're horrible. Bad songs. I don't think there's anything intricate going on in that band. They're very mediocre musicians. Their songwriting is weak. The thing about the indie snobs is they love the Velvet Underground. I think the Velvet Underground is pretty fucking worthless. You listen to Lou Reed's Street Hassle, who needs the fucking Velvet Underground?"

Death Metal and I get to talking about the pair of Doc Martens he picked up at the Swap Shop for $10, and he confesses. "I rag on all these indie rockers, but I love the way they dress. I like the cardigans. I like the little glasses and stuff. I just don't like the attitude. It's the only thing I don't really gel with, you know? They're snappy dressers -- I have to give them that."

Does Radar O'Reilly suck? I wonder. So later, I call Austin Carl, who books live acts at Billabong. What does he think of DMD's band? "They seem to want to play good music," he says. "They try hard, but there's no continuity. They can't pull any particular sound off. They come across like a cover band. They play a long time, and people get up and leave. They didn't bring that many people with them, and no one wanted to play with them. They sound like they play AC/DC songs in a different way. They don't suck as musicians. They weren't together, and they compensated for that by playing longer. It's like are you here to play for yourselves or are you here to play for other people."

Carl isn't the only one with an opinion, though. J.C. Riley, who sings for the band Basketcase, tells me that he saw Radar O'Reilly at All Stars (2201 W. Sample Rd., Deerfield Beach) two years ago. "I was there for the chicken fingers, but [even now], I remember the intricate bass lines and the musicianship. They were better than I thought they were," he continues. "I was impressed, very impressed."

Why, then, I press him, can't Radar pull anyone to shows?

"Most people don't know good music," Riley returns. "Because 98 percent of the population is fucking stupid."

Is DMD, then, an AC/DC rehasher repelling audiences from local bars and clubs or a talent burning too brightly among the blind?

DMD explains his philosophy by quoting Brian Ritchie of the Violent Femmes: "He said, 'The best way to rebel is to be into everything.' Not to be close-minded about things. Those [indie] people remind me of people in high school. They are very cliquey. If you say you like metal, you're not cool. That's part of the reason I came up with this Death Metal Douglas thing."

So the next time you see his bald pate flailing on the stage, don't be afraid. Walk up, disturb his mosh, tap him on the shoulder, and say, "Hi, you're Death Metal Douglas, and my panties are wet."

You can do so at the November 13 Radar O'Reilly set at the City Link Music Fest at 6 p.m. in downtown Hollywood.

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