As a standup comic, Derek Richards is an entrepreneur by default, what with all the CDs and videos he has to sell to keep afloat. One has to wonder, though, what's up with his "I Love Booze" hats and T-shirts. Um, shouldn't they, like, have his name mentioned somewhere? Not that it matters. The West Palm Beach-based comic has performed everywhere from Calgary to Cuba, taking part in comedy festivals and Armed Forces entertainment tours. So if you're up for lewd jokes about strippers, dogs, exercise, and Def Leppard's one-armed drummer, scrounge up some booze money and check him out. Richards performs Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday at the Palm Beach Improv at CityPlace (550 S. Rosemary Ave., Ste. 250, West Palm Beach). Tickets cost $12.72 to $15.90. Call 561-833-1812.
On this date, traditionally, Christian people make mad, last-minute runs to whatever store is open (Little Bobby could use a case of Bud and some beer nuts, couldn't he?) while Jewish people eat Chinese food and rent movies from Blockbuster. Eighteen years ago, however, a bored Jewish dude named Andrew Rudnick, who lived in Boston, put a serious hurtin' on the sales of Kung Pao chicken when he started a party called the Matzo Ball. If you're lookin' for a nice young professional thing who knows how to pronounce yarmulke, this is your scene. The Matzo Ball concept has now spread to 14 cities around the country, and three of those cities are ours! Hit either Club Boca (7000 W. Palmetto Park Rd., Boca Raton), the Monkey Club (219 Clematis St., West Palm Beach), or Opium Garden (136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach). Admission is $20, and doors open at 8 p.m. Call 561-392-3747, or visit www.matzoball.org.
Did you leave out some milk and cookies for Santa? Dummy! The big man probably would have been a lot more loose with the presents if you'd left him Crunk Juice instead! Let's just say that the refreshments at tonight's "Crunk Juice" party at Rumba's (5195 N. University Dr., Davie), should be a liiiiittle more potent than eggnog! Not to mention, you drink free all night. Meet up with SupaTwitch ("The Eastside Boy"), Prodigy ("Kings of Crunk"), and Zeke Don ("Lil Don") for some reggae, soca, and hip-hop jams. Just watch out for drunken sleigh drivers on the way home. Admission is $10. Call 954-224-2311, or visit www.partyspree.com.
If one were to count the number of local bands that came and went in the past 15 years, the number might rival the federal deficit. All right, maybe not that high, but a pretty depressing statistic nonetheless. But you can't count the Crumbs among the many scene casualties. Since the release of its 1992 demo, the Miami-based foursome has helped wean the kids off the Fat Wreck Chords sound and onto the roots of punk, from American bands (Ramones, Heartbreakers) to their Australian counterparts (Radio Birdman, the Saints). It just goes to show that you can drink an assload of booze and still be productive. The Crumbs and fellow SoFla vets Against All Authority rock it out with Bum Ruckus, Dreadleg, and Aftermath Sunday at the Factory (2674 E. Oakland Park Blvd., Fort Lauderdale). Show starts at 6 p.m. Tickets cost $8. Call 954-564-ROCK.
Mia Hamm may be gone from the soccer fields, but her replacement is here. Somewhere. We're sure that the next record-breaking female athlete is among the thousands gathered for the Orange Classic international soccer tournament. The event started in 1980 with 16 teams and has grown to more than 350 teams. Play starts today at three area parks (Pine Island Park, 1230 S. Pine Island Rd., Plantation; Weston Regional Park, 20200 Saddle Club Rd., Weston; and Central Park, 600 Central Park Pl., N. Plantation). The girls here -- bad-ass, ball-banging chicks who, like Hamm, can do anything boys can do, only better -- aren't sweating for big product endorsements or loads of cash. They're playing for love, for fun, and for some attention from those 300 college scouts with scholarships to pass out. They could use your support. Call 305-823-4934, or visit www.orangeclassic.com.
Steve-O, the drummer for Where Is Monday, has had juvenile rheumatoid arthritis since he was 2 years old. Needless to say, the pain, surgeries, and broken bones haven't kept him from poundin' the skins with his band. More important, Steve-O's condition (classified as a progressive degenerative disease) has helped raise awareness among the handful of bands playing tonight's Rock Yer Bonez Benefit Showat Ovation (3637 S. Federal Hwy., Boynton Beach). In addition to WIM, the musically diverse lineup includes Copesetic, For the Taking, Fallen from the Sky, Hands Free Method, Fall That Far, JECT, Drifter, and Sworn to Silence. All proceeds benefit the Arthritis Foundation's summer camp program. Admission is $10. The all-ages show starts at 5 p.m. Call 561-740-7076, or visit www.clubovation.com.
Levitation! Flaming Torches! High-flying dance numbers! Sure, that's cool, but when the Fercos Brothers Untamed Illusions strut onto the stage at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts (201 SW Fifth Ave., Fort Lauderdale), it'll be hard to ignore the looming presence of the giant cats after the tragic mishap that befell Roy Horn last year. Even though the ferocious felines will likely be under control, the show is a nonstop nail-biter, from its glitzy costumes and choreographed dances to the locked boxes and other Houdinian magic tricks. These guys appeared on The Apprenticewithout hearing the words "You're fired!" (Remember the episode when Troy and Kwame went to see their show at the casino?) You might wanna leave the kids home; children under 12 aren't allowed in the first ten rows. The Fercos Brothers perform Monday through Friday. Tickets cost $19.50 to $49.50. Call 954-462-0222, or visit www.browardcenter.org.