Got Bands?

If you don't, Jared Cole does

SAT 1/8

Life has been busy for local scenemaker Jared Cole. Just a few months ago, he started a weekly event called Schmoorgis Board Sundays -- for which he books, like, 100 bands to play at Ray's Downtown Bar (519 Clematis St., West Palm Beach). Now he's bringing the party to Broward, as he launches Schmoorgis Board Saturdayz, a massive gathering at Hot Dog's Sports Pub (4528 N. University Dr., Lauderhill).

Take a deep breath and inhale Saturday's inaugural lineup: Hands Free Method ("They' re awesome," Cole says. "I would say they have that new rock sound -- except they're not bad!"), followed by Where Is Monday ("They're the bomb"). Next up come the Helldorados ("bluesy"), Raven (a female rapper), Ill Prophet (a solo rapper), the Spoonbenders ("They're like the shit"), the Digital Paradox ("like Fatboy Slim"), and Crazy Fingers ("the Grateful Dead tribute band that's been kicking ass here forever").

DJ Immortal sets the (turn)table for a Schmoorgis Board.
DJ Immortal sets the (turn)table for a Schmoorgis Board.
In search of giraffe paintings
In search of giraffe paintings
Research this!
Research this!
Batmen -- get ready to brush pussy willows!
Mike Gorman
Batmen -- get ready to brush pussy willows!

Hip-hop artist Bleubird, who will also perform Saturday, is, Cole says, "the man. I keep saying that about all of them, but he's so different. He'll have Immortal DJ behind him and put on, like, Steve Perry and sing along, then lay down a techno beat and freestyle. It sucks for the other hip-hop groups to have to go on after him." But stay, please -- or you'll miss Subject 2 Change ("kickass jazz"), the Secondhand Outfit ("the hardest-working hip-hop group in Florida"), Anonymous Syntax ("West Palm Beach representing Audio Thrift Shop records"), and 7th Direction (a hip-hop collective). Then there's Spork ("the bomb," again), DJ Immortal ("he's representing the state in scratching right now"), and Lost My Love ("Their CD kicks heiney").

In addition, Cole says, "We'll have the greatest jazz guitarist in Florida working the door!" He's referring to his friend and co-conspirator, DJ Ginsberg, a lovely, mop-headed musician-slash-actor-slash-kung fu hero. If all this is not enough to look forward to, Cole has some other festivities in the hopper: a similar get-together to take place on Monday nights and a "hippie fest" called "Weedstock Wednesdays." Slow down, Jared! It's almost like you have a -- gasp! -- job! Admission is free for ladies, $7 for guys. Call 954-741-1425, or visit www.toke1.com. -- Deirdra Funcheon

Get a Giraffe

Who Arted?

SAT 1/8

Monet did water lilies. Gaugin did naked Tahitian ladies. Broadway star Tommy Tune? He paints giraffes. Why giraffes? "Hello? Do you know what I look like?" the six-foot-six beanpole told a Vail, Colorado, newspaper. "I identify with those creatures. I love the way they move and the alert quality of a giraffe. Giraffes just touch my heart deeply." Tune actually pulls off this new line of work pretty well, saying to hell with the brown-white-yellow color scheme and depicting the longnecks in, say, reds and blacks instead.

Before we start sculpting ostriches (long legs, big bellies, sweet hairdos) for a living, we're going to peek at Tune's work during the 17th-annual Las Olas Art Fair, Part One. Not to be confused with part two, which happens in March, or the Labor Day art fair, which was canceled in 2004, thanks to Hurricane Frances. By now, you must be jonesing to put on a pair of Keds, clog the street with strollers, and impede the rest of the world's straight shot to the beach. The 275 participating artists show their work for free (but pieces sell for $15 to $20,000) along Las Olas Boulevard (from SE Sixth Avenue to SE 11th Avenue) from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. Call 954-472-3755, or visit www.artfestival.com. -- Deirdra Funcheon

Come Thirsty (and Single)

Leave drunk (and coupled up)

WED 1/12

Somewhere near the top of the list of World's Greatest Jobs, between being Jon Bon Jovi's masseuse and the girl who takes care of Red Sox slugger Johnny Damon's bat, is the position of oenologist. Otherwise known as wine experts, oenologists are paid to drink. It's almost like signing up for one of those research studies, like the patients who are rolling on Ecstasy for the Food and Drug Administration trial to see if the drug will help cancer patients. Tonight, one of these lucky schmucks will teach you the difference between chardonnays and chiantis at Social Fusion's winetasting event. This is an especially great lesson if you're one of those guys who pick out wines the same way you pick out mates -- Does the packaging look nice? Can you afford her? Grow up and learn that it's what's on the inside that counts. The quaffing goes down at Macaroni Grill (100 N. University Dr., Plantation) from 7:30 to 9:15 p.m. It costs $29 in advance, $34 at the door. Call 1-877-Is-So-Fun, or visit www.socialfusion.com. -- Deirdra Funcheon

Holy Sex Kittens, Batman!

THU 1/6

Remember when Catwoman told Batman, "I can give you more happiness than anyone in the world" and Batman said, "What about Robin"? Catwoman answered, "Well, I'll have him killed... painlessly. He is a bit of a bore with his 'holy this' and 'holy that'!" Take that attitude -- and your tightest latex outfit -- to New Kingston Sports Bar and Grill (4508 Inverrary Blvd., Fort Lauderdale) for the "Catwoman Affair -- Lingerie Edition," where the best catsuit wins a prize. Julie Newmar, who played Catwoman in the original Batman series, loved her role because "you could be mean, bad, and nasty, and in the '50s, women could never, unless you were some B-pictures actress, be mean, bad, and nasty. I can't tell you how satisfying it was." You'll be satisfied when you tell the boys to "brush my pussy willows before you leave." Call 954-608-5085, or visit www.partyspree.com. -- Deirdra Funcheon.

 
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