By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
By Kyle Swenson
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
By Frank Owen
Women drivers. Enough said.
"As Joe rode toward downtown, she kept riding along with him. She slowed down and said, 'Well, I'm just concerned about your safety.' So I noticed she was checking me out.
"I said, 'Come to Dicey's.' She follows me into the parking lot. All I see is blond hair. I pay. She gets out of the car, and she's six-foot-two, blond, all legs. I look at her and say, 'You're beautiful.'
"She says, 'I'm not dressed to go out tonight.' She had on a wife beater and nice pants. I said, 'You look perfect.'
"She comes in, and she's smokin'. It's like flies on shit. I offer her a drink. She's sipping on my beer. Even better. She doesn't even want a beer. She goes to Smitty and gets on his lap," he says of a friend. "Straddling him. Smitty's in heaven.
"She says, 'I was on my way to Solid Gold. My friends work there. Do you want to go?'
"I said, 'I don't like to look. I like to touch. After sipping my beer, she asks, 'Do you have any cocaine?' We go to a different place, and it's like flies on shit. She's all coked up and horny. Five guys are all over her. After ten minutes, I say, 'I'm going back to Dicey's.'
"She said, 'I'm with you tonight.' I said, 'Sounds good to me.'
"We go to her house, and after a couple sips of tequila, she takes her shirt off. She has one nipple pierced. She says, 'Hold on -- I'll be right back,' and she comes back in a naughty nurse outfit. She's gone again and back in a schoolgirl outfit. It's a fashion show. Then she comes out in lingerie. I don't make the move, and she says, 'Come into the bedroom.'
"She hands me two rubbers and gets under the covers. We had sex, and it was porno sex, the kind a guy only gets five times in his life. Six days later, she called me and said, 'Do you want to go see a movie?' She was raggin', and she had nothing to do."
It was 4 a.m. and the lights were coming on at Dicey Riley's. Time to go.
"I'm gonna ride my bike by her house to see what's going on there," Joe said, looking for another night of porno sex. "If I had to do it all over again, I'd do it every night of my life."
Joe, a bicyclist with a tall tale about a tall dame.
True? For Joe's sake, we can only hope.
But you know what that means for everybody else?
Another bat brain on the loose.
Dicey Riley's: 217 SW Second St., Fort Lauderdale, 954-522-1908.
Ye Olde Falcon Pub: 2867 S. University Dr., Davie, 954-424-0300.