Pixelating Experience

Watching TV at Gulfstream

Waterbeds, whirlpools, showers, and saunas all add half a point.

Subtract three points for a male manager.

No "happy ending" is a whopping 16-point penalty.

In western Palm Beach County, where most of the houses of joy operate, Teetor has capably separated the proverbial wheat from the chaff. Recommended:

Parlor A, West Palm Beach, a "legendary divorce-party spot" where "the girls are available for take-out."

Parlor B, West Palm Beach, employs "girls [who] are very pretty and they will run out the full harem before they let you escape." Plus, "the $40 plus a tip of $80 is a real deal."

Parlor C, West Palm Beach, is noted for a neon "open" sign next to a bail bonds office. "Having the bondsman right there might be handy," Teetor notes.

Best to avoid: Parlor X, West Palm Beach, described as "a sticky floor spa, with plain girls, small rooms, small cheesy beds and an all-around air of desperate sleaze." At least the rooms come with doors that lock, so "you won't have a bouncer wandering in to comment on your technique while he admires your naked butt with the glow from his flashlight."

Parlor Y,Pompano Beach, where "the atmosphere was as erotic as a cold bedpan."

Parlor Z,Boca Raton, next door to the railroad tracks: "When a train goes by, you can get rattled right off the table onto the concrete floor. The $100 fee seems excessive for a rub & tug with only one old crow and a massage table."

Parlor ZZ, West Palm Beach, is the place where $150 will get you a girl, a room, and an article of lingerie. "What you do not get is any satisfaction unless you do it yourself, and if you complain about the cost versus the service, a very large and unpleasant man will toss you out on your ass."

-- As told to Edmund Newton

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