Can't Live Without My Rodeo

Rockin' and ropin' with Reese Thomas

Findings: NYC is not the cure-all to MAD in FLA.

Diagnosis: If you can't transplant, try rehab. It worked for Scott Weiland.

Treatment: Check out the Shout! DJs at 9 p.m. Thursday, March 24, at the First Annual People's Block Party outside the District, 35 NE 40th St., Miami. Call 305-576-7242. -- Doc Le Rock

...And Justice for All

For Ozzy Osbourne, getting sued is as much an everyday event as looking befuddled and struggling to operate Velcro. But recently, Ozzy has been hit with some fairly unprecedented legal action -- even for a guy known for urinating in public and biting the heads off stuff.

Last month, an Illinois man sued him -- in what may become a class action -- seeking compensation for his purchase of a pair of remastered Ozzy Osbourne LPs (Blizzard of Ozz and Diary of a Madman) on which the original drummer and bassist had been replaced. The fan, Anthony Wester, claims there's a noticeable difference between the old and new players. The updated versions aren't as good. He wants his money back.

This ingenious move got us to thinking about some artists who should also be sued for Crimes Against Quality Recordings. So we asked New Times' lawyers to file the following actions:

Defendant: 3 Doors Down

Claim: Counterfeit sincerity

Background: This band's cubic-zirconium emoting is as fake as a congressman's smile. Presumably, the group's latest is titled Seventeen Days because that's how long the cloying, overwrought disc seems to last. The dozen songs burst with trite sentiment that's sappy enough to make Mitch Albom blush.

Defendant: Ludacris

Complaint: Misguided machismo

Background: When he broke onto the scene, Ludacris was a ghetto Gilbert Gottfried: a small guy with a big mouth who could elicit a grin from a tire iron. But on his fourth disc, Red Light District, Luda tries to get all Hanz and Franz on your ass -- which is as intimidating as Emmanuel Lewis demanding your lunch money. We liked him a whole lot better when he was rhyming about getting higher than a giraffe's butt.

Defendant: Soilwork

Complaint: Pussifying metal

Background: A grinding metal band that insists upon forcing hammy modern rock choruses into every song is about as effective as a porn star who does it only with the lights off. And yet the dudes in Soilwork continue to emasculate metal on their latest, Stabbing the Drama. When singer Bjorn Strid growls, "I'll take back what's mine" on "Stalemate," we can only hope he's talking about his testicles.

Defendant: Chemical Brothers

Complaint: Loitering

Background: To say that the Chemical Brothers' latest should have been titled Push the (Eject) Button is an easy pun, but it's fitting. Their sound is as exhausting as our bad jokes: Fat, farting beats, oscillating sirens, and bullying bass lines color most every tune. Toss in some rote guest spots from has-beens like Q-Tip and the Charlatans and you've got a disc with all the personality of a grapefruit. -- Jason Bracelin

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