"Yuh mean to tell mi seh yuh really stop already?" dancehall star Macka Diamond sings to a "one-minute man" on her hit "Yuh Nuh Ready." She laments, "Like a monkey 'pon yuh tree mi waan climb/Yuh come so quick, bwoy, yuh commit a crime/I gwaan lock yuh inna jail of mine."
"I am just here to wise up the women and let them think differently," Diamond told the Jamaica Star. "Even the man dem who I say pop down, these tunes should help them to do better with their women if they listen. It has helped even my man improve himself."
Think of her as modern music's Dr. Ruth. But she's not alone. In recent years, Missy Elliott ("Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa/phone before you come, I need to shave my chocha.../Go downtown and eat it like a vulture"), Lil' Kim ("Lick it right the first time or you gotta do it over/ Like it's rehearsal for a Tootsie commercial"), and Lady Saw ("Slip it in sometime... Goose pimple show when di juice a flow") have all told the boys what to do and put the ladies back on top.
And we do mean back on top. In the '80s, Ms. Diamond enjoyed modest success under the name Lady Mackerel. "Macka started out as Lady Charm," her bio says, "but the producer insisted she had to use Lady Mackerel. She cried the whole time, but she submitted to the name change. Macka always knew she would change that name."
After getting discouraged and lying low for a decade, Macka christened herself Macka Diamond in 2003 and blew up all over again. She recently signed a three-album deal, and last year her hit "Done Already" made her the first female to reach number one in Jamaica in four years. Full-A-Vibes Promotions has arranged for Macka to perform for the first time ever in Palm Beach County, at Newcomb Hall (200 E. 13th St., Riviera Beach) on Friday. Tickets cost $25. Call 561-236-2537, or visit www.fullavibes.com. -- Deirdra Funcheon
On Point with Nonpoint
Where's the Rock?
Some would declare the recent passing of WZTA as the final nail in the coffin for rock in South Florida. Others would point to the rise of 93.1 and its all-Metallica, all-the-time format as a sign of its passing into the Great Beyond. Regardless of your stance, the truth is out there, as Agent Mulder would say; rock is alive, you just need to know where to look.
Those on the quest for rock 'n' roll righteousness will no doubt revel when local boys and rising national artists Nonpoint take the stage at Revolution (200 W. Broward Blvd., Fort Lauderdale) on Saturday. Originally from Fort Lauderdale, the quartet is a lean, mean, aggro-rock act heavy on chords and attitude. "Our live shows are like being locked in a room with no doors or windows and repeatedly punching yourself in the face," says lead singer Elias Soriano. Should they fail to live up to such lofty claims, co-headliner Skindred is sure to deliver the goods with its signature reggae/punk/metal sound. Cross Marley with Testament and you might come close. Rock is out there, people. Turn off your radios and find it. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. Tickets cost $17. Call 954-727-0950. -- Larry Carrino
For Quinn, every crowd's a Tough Crowd
Some comedians are known for their deadpan delivery. Others get laughs with props. Colin Quinn's shtick is his complete inability to deliver a punch line without awkwardly stumbling through his jokes with the grace of a three-legged donkey on roller skates. It's like a car wreck -- you want to turn away, but you can't help scanning the carnage for charred corpses and severed limbs. Still, something must be working, since Comedy Central recently ranked Quinn 56th on its list of the best 100 standup comedians of all time (though, in the interests of full disclosure, Quinn hosted a show on that cable channel for two seasons) -- in front of equally awful but better-known acts such as Jeff Foxworthy and Richard Jeni. Pretty impressive for a guy whose career highlights include his unforgettable role as "Onlooker at Mansion" in the '80s classic Crocodile Dundee II. Judge for yourself when Quinn comes to the Improv at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino (5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood) with five shows from Thursday to Saturday. Tickets cost $21.30. Call 954-981-5653, or visit www.improvclubs.com. -- Paul A. Leone
Improv on Ice
It would help you to appreciate the comedy improv troupe Gated Community if you thought of it as the A-Team of comedy. Remember how the A-Team would get locked in a warehouse and then make a tank out of some gardening tools and a butane lighter? Gated Community does something like that, only funnier. Standing scriptless on stage, they pull together the shouts and suggestions of their audiences and turn out comedic sketches that crackle with spontaneity. Fearlessly, they invite their audience to bring its own alcohol to the show -- they even provide coolers and ice. Don't you love it when a plan comes together? The Gated Community improv comedy troupe presents "The Next Show!" at the Atlantic Theater (6743 W. Indiantown Rd., Jupiter) at 8 p.m. Saturday. Tickets cost $12. Call 561-575-3271. -- Jeff Megahan