Arrest His Development

Damn it, Beck gets older with Guero

A: Mellow, mellow, mellow. No unexpected loud noises.

Q: Did it help?

A: I was too drugged up to pay too much attention to it. I didn't have to listen to the doctor talk to the nurse or tools moving around. I don't know what I would have been listening to as background noise if I hadn't had [headphones] on, so I don't have a point of reference. And I'm not having it done again to find out.

Q: Was there a point in the operation when you suddenly wanted to listen to the Indigo Girls?

A: No.

-- Jordan Harper

Chocolate Sea-Salty Balls

Hello, children! This is Chef, the lady-loving, soul-singing, cafeteria hero of South Park, Colorado. I'll be joining my close personal friend, Isaac Hayes, in your neck of the woods this week, accompanied by a few faces you might not recognize. Since I'm feeling helpful, allow me to introduce you to...

My Sister, Sloppy Joan. She usually joins me in the lunchroom at South Park Elementary, serving delicious, nutritious food to all the happy children. She hasn't been the same since Grandma dropped her off a Vespa when she was little. Even though she can't talk right, she sure can sing. Believe me, just like my girl Chaka Khan,she's a regular freaky-deaky funk machine. Tell me something good, Sloppy Joan!

Aunt Minerva lives high up in the hills outside of South Park. She mostly keeps to herself, singing from a cave to the mountain goats and bald eagles that are her only friends, in a voice as soothing as a clear summer stream -- or Roberta Flack's. We don't see her much because of her fear of the sky, but we can hear her voice echoing down from the hills. We're so lucky to have you here, Auntie M, so tonight, I celebrate my love for you! -- Jonathan Zwickel

Isaac Hayes, Chaka Khan, and Roberta Flack headline the Fifth Annual Riviera Beach Jazz & Blues Festival, starting at 5 p.m. Friday, April 1, and noon Saturday, April 2, at Blue Heron Boulevard and Ocean Mall Road on Singer Island, Riviera Beach. Tickets cost $12 for students and seniors, $25 for adults each day. Call 561-845-4004, or visit www.JazzOnTheBeach.com.

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