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"I did one almost that big," she replies.
Johnny's setup works perfectly. Earlier, he'd researched his guest and discovered that she acted in an adult film with Mandingo, a black adult-film star known for his natural endowment. Johnny is obsessed. He wants to talk about the experience.
"Is that the biggest penis you've ever had?" Johnny asks.
"It took me about ten minutes to get on top of it," Lauren replies.
"Really?" Johnny says, raising an eyebrow. "You got on top of that?"
"God, what did that hit, your rib cage?"
"Pretty much. It felt like it." Lauren pauses. "I'm really tight too," she says, shaking her head seductively.
Johnny blushes. "Stop that," he says. "Yeah, you're flirting."
The show goes on for another seven minutes as Johnny, Platypus, and Lauren discuss in excruciating detail the logistics of handling Mandingo. Then comes the commercial break, and in the tradition of such shock jocks as Howard Stern, it's a prerecorded spoof ad taped and edited on a common personal computer. Most of the spoofs, including this one, use Johnny's and Platypus' digitally altered voices.
Monotone announcer: This part of the show was brought to you by...
Overenthusiastic pitchman:...Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops! Didn't get laid last night? No problem! Your friends will think you did when they smell your breath after you've eaten one of Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops! If you love the taste of pussy, then you'll love Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops, coming in flavors such as Dripping Wet and Wild, Hot Cinnamon Cunt, Creamy Creamsicle, Minty Muffstuff, Poppin' Cherry Pop, Juicy Orange Juice, and Sweet Pink Pussy!
Monotone announcer: For a limited time, you can enjoy Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops in Peachy Poontang, with just the right mixture of peachy pleasure and poontang extracts. You'll also find Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops in Dr. Johnny's book How to Dump Chicks Fast.
Awkward-sounding man offering testimonial:Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops worked great. Hah! The bitch, I call her a bitch, left quickly after she thought I -- hah! -- was eating pussy all night. Thanks, Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops! No more clingy bitches hanging on to me.
Overenthusiastic pitchman: If you act now, we'll throw in not one but two of Lisa's Ass Candy! Flavors include Chocolate Brown Eye and Mocha Rimshot! Lisa's Luscious Pussy Pops -- not only good to eat but fun to play with!
Even before Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" on February 1, 2004, this type of talk radio would have been rare on the commercial dial. Now, it's nonexistent. The FCC used "Boobgate" as an impetus to clean up the airwaves. Less than a month after the Super Bowl, Clear Channel Communications fired syndicated Tampa DJ Todd "Bubba the Love Sponge" Clem after the FCC leveled a record $755,000 fine for Clem's airing of sexually explicit content. Two months later, the FCC hit Stern with a $495,000 penalty after Coral Gables lawyer Jack Thompson filed a complaint about a February 24, 2004, segment in which Stern and his cohorts discussed the personal hygiene product Sphincterine.
"You say you invented Sphincterine because a chick was giving you oral and you had a swamp ass?" Stern asked Sphincterine creator Bruce Last on the show.
"Yeah, that's basically it, Howard, yeah," he replied. "I had a bad experience, and my girlfriend... was in a spontaneous mood, and she caught me at a bad time and..."
To the conservative Thompson's horror, the show went on to discuss in detail what "swamp ass" smells like and how it can prohibit oral sex. Crude, sure, but tame compared to the Smut Doctors. Unlike commercial radio shock jocks, Johnny and Platypus operate with impunity. That's because the government has so far left Internet radio alone.
The bandwidth-and-bytes competitor to radio waves reaches an enormous audience. According to a recent study by Arbitron, which measures radio listenership, 39 percent of Americans have tuned in to Internet radio. That number is expected to grow rapidly in the coming years, and some of the nation's biggest companies have already invested heavily in the industry. Yahoo!, America Online, and Microsoft each run competing services.
"Internet radio offers a limitless spectrum of channels," says David Porter, director of business development for Live365.com, a California-based Internet radio service. "Commercial radio must represent the community. Internet radio doesn't have that obligation."
Porter's company provides a service that allows anyone with a computer and an Internet connection to create a live radio show for monthly subscription rates that start at $9.95. Live365.com claims an audience of 3.5 million to 4 million each month. Most of the service's 12,000 advertiser-supported shows are music-oriented, but nearly 1,000 are similar to AM talk radio or rush-hour FM shows. Just as Johnny and Platypus do on the Smut Doctors, these DJs can say anything. "There's no censorship police," Porter explains.
One rogue disc jockey who enjoys that freedom is Brandon Windsor, a 29-year-old in Memphis, Tennessee, who for the past 18 months has broadcast his Mr. X Radio Show (www.mrxradio.com) on Live365.com. His sexually explicit show, akin to a low-budget version of the Smut Doctors, discusses sexually based topics hilariously and intelligently.
"I've been a talk-radio junkie for a long time," Windsor says. "I was looking for a hobby, and I thought I could be a voice in the wilderness. I thought I could be entertaining."