Doctor's Orders

South Florida's Smut Doctors broadcast filthy radio to the world

Guests on Mr. Xhave included adult-film stars, prostitutes, and practitioners of bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. Despite foul language and sexually explicit content, Live365.com representatives and government authorities have never troubled Windsor. His greatest challenge is building an audience. Although Live365.com data cannot specify a number of listeners, the Mr. X Radio Show is broadcast about 900 hours each month, according to reports provided by Live365.com. Average listeners tune in for about 20 minutes. That illustrates one of the great challenges of Internet radio. It's hard to attract the public.

"My goal is to try to get a wide enough audience that this could become a full-time job," Windsor says. "I'm trying to build that audience through word of mouth and guerrilla marketing."

Those are the same tactics Johnny and Platypus have been using to market the Smut Doctors. In fact, the pair recently took their guerrilla campaign to the sand and streets of Fort Lauderdale Beach.


It's nearing 7 p.m. Sunday, April 11, and Johnny has gathered roughly 100 people at Beach Bums, an open-air bar that exploits the sophomoric charm that once made Fort Lauderdale Beach a hot destination for fraternity brothers aiming to get tan, drunk, and laid. The crowd is here for the annual Smut DoctorsScavenger Hunt.

With a bar that extends out toward the sidewalk and looks out over the Atlantic Ocean, Beach Bums is packed with players ranging in age from 18 to late 30s, many of them strippers covering only the essentials with clothing. There are also men transfixed by the vixens.

Three young women dance on the bar, their moves fluid but mechanical, as if they were performing tricks for which men generally pay in $1 bills. "Shake it, girls, shake it!" the Beach Bums disc jockey says over the loudspeakers. "Shake it like a colostomy bag!"

Three years ago, Johnny says, he set up the scavenger hunt as a way to entertain a woman he was dating. The girlfriend didn't last. The hunt did. The game has since become both a marketing tool and an excuse to be a jackass on Fort Lauderdale Beach. Through it all, Johnny acts as judge and ringmaster. "For one day, I get to be the king of Fort Lauderdale Beach," he says. Most the participants are friends, friends of friends, and strippers.

The game is set up like a traditional scavenger hunt. Johnny gives each of four teams of ten to 20 people a Polaroid camera and a list of objectives. Since each group has only 30 shots in which to document 50 objectives -- among them photographing simulated sex acts with strangers or building a sandcastle -- the game requires the teams to double up objectives in a single photograph. For instance, if a team were to take a picture while humping a tourist in front of their sandcastle, it would accomplish both objectives using only one shot.

To complicate matters, the participants must down shots of hard liquor at several bars during the evening. Tasks become increasingly more difficult -- and daring -- as the night progresses.

At 7:15 p.m., Johnny walks into the main bar at Beach Bums. One of the team captains is Platypus, and he wants everyone to know his group is the most enthusiastic.

"Platypus! Platypus! Platypus!" yells his team of 20, packed with a dozen male friends and several dancers from Tootsie's.

Johnny quiets the group, calls a beginning to the game, and briefly explains the rules. "Go, go, go!" he says finally, starting the challenge.

The teams sprint down A1A in an attempt to accomplish the most in the least amount of time. Meanwhile, Johnny aims to promote his Internet radio show. A friend holding a television camera trails behind as he and Zoe Britton -- a petite, 28-year-old nude model from Texas wearing a short skirt and tight-fitting top -- walk down the beach together.

"Hey, want to be on television?" Johnny asks indiscriminately of female passers-by. He's holding a microphone bearing the Smut Doctorslogo. It's all part of his plan: "Put a camera in front of someone," he says, "and they'll do just about anything."

The first to bite is Natalie, a short brunet with good looks so generic, they're forgettable. She's walking past the steps at BeachPlace with a tall man whose brown hair is slicked back and sculpted with gel. "Hi, Natalie. I'm Johnny from the Smut Doctors," he says as the cameraman focuses on the interview. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Jess," she says. "Don't worry about him -- he's gay."

"Now, Natalie, how many guys have you slept with?" Johnny asks.

"I'm a slut," she says, rubbing Johnny's crotch with her right hand as she grabs Jess' crotch with her left.

"Have you ever had sex for money?"

"No."

"If you were to do that, what would you charge?"

"I don't know," she answers. "I'm a cheap whore. A couple of hundred bucks, maybe?"

Johnny laughs.

"This is going to be on television?" Natalie asks as Jess pulls her away.

Johnny and the cameraman continue to stroll through BeachPlace. From all angles, people converge on them, trying to be on camera or simply sneak a peek. Johnny and the cameraman then move to the steps of BeachPlace, where they see Platypus' team constructing a sandcastle. The buzzing team members, two of whom wear T-shirts that read "DEA: Drunks Enjoying Alcohol," are running back and forth from the ocean, carrying wet sand in plastic beer cups.

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