This Week's Day-by-Day Picks

THU 16

You might recognize comedian Billy Gardell from his recurring role on the CBS TV show Yes, Dear or from his stints on Quintuplets, The Practice, and Monk or from his role as a security guard in Bad Santa. But small parts don't do the big guy justice; he needs an hour or so with a microphone to show you what he's got -- namely, a knack for making witty observations about daily life. At a show in Houston, for instance, he made fun of little kids who are too smart for their own good. Why are they building websites instead of going outside, breaking windows, and then lying about it -- like 9-year-olds should? A blue-collar kid himself, Gardell was transplanted from Pittsburgh to Orlando as a teenager, so welcome him back to Flori-duh by catching his set at the Hollywood Improv (5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood). Tickets cost $15.90. Call 954-981-5653, or visit www.improvftl.com. (DF)

FRI 17

It's fun-with-clippers time, also known as the Hurley Second Annual Mohawk Day, at Island Water Sports (1985 NE Second St., Deerfield Beach). If you're under 18, Mum and Pop have to fill out a form and "hereby state that it is totally cool and OK if my son _______ gets a free Mohawk from Hurley and Island Water Sports (you can always shave his head tomorrow)." Parents also have to "state that it is OK if my son _______ gets free stuff (skateboard decks, surf traction pads, T-shirts, hats, etc.)." Despite the gender discrimination in the release, girls are welcome too. The mass shearing starts at 3 p.m. Call 954-427-4929. (DF)

Supermega DJ Oscar G. tells us he has never even been to Delray Beach, even though he was born and raised in Miami. That's because he's been jetting around the world for regular gigs, and, oh yeah, holding down the most coveted job in all of the electronic music world -- a monthly residency at Space. Take it from the maestro -- you can forget about those confusing categories like progressive house, Goa trance, psytrance, and hee-haw electro. "I hate categories myself," he says in a laid-back voice. "I spend most of my week going through music. I just play music that I like, number one, and number two, that I think the audience would enjoy." Mr. G. kicks off the new "Backyard Vinyl" nights -- meaning you can catch a big-name DJ in an intimate venue for just $10 -- at Delux Niteclub and Lounge (16 E. Atlantic Ave., Delray Beach). "I have heard of the club," he says. If you see a guy with 5 million CDs and a street map looking lost on the side of I-95, help him out, OK? Call 561-279-4792. (DF)

SAT 18

Good times are pretty much guaranteed when you're listening to a band called Smiley Tunehead; the odds of happiness increase when you also happen to be sucking down a brew inside a homey tavern with a tiki bar. Tonight, the Tuneheads (who have been described as "bluegrass on steroids") invite you for a group frolic inside the South Shores Tavern and Patio Bar (502 Lucerne Ave., Lake Worth). The show starts at 7 p.m. There's no cover. Call 561-547-7656. (DF)

SUN 19

All right, so the characters in Modern Orthodox might seem a little obvious -- a jeweler, a doctor, and an investment banker, all New York City Jews. But it's their various attitudes toward Judaism that come into play here. The banker (a secular Jew) visits the jeweler (an Orthodox Jew) to buy an engagement ring for his fiancée (the doctor). However, a complex series of events results in the jeweler's shacking up with the couple and looking for love on Jewdate.com. Modern Orthodox is a comedic tale of religious tolerance, Internet romance, and life in the big city. Will you learn something? Perhaps -- just be sure to bring a Yiddish-English dictionary. Performances run through July 10 at the Caldwell Theatre Company (7873 N. Federal Hwy., Boca Raton). Tickets cost $32.50 or $41.50. Call 561-241-7380, or visit www.caldwelltheatre.com. (JB)

MON 20

In keeping with the great tradition of canceled summer tours, Boston hardcore legend "White Trash" Rob Lind has put the stops on plans to travel with his politically shit-stirring new band, Ramallah. That's too bad, because Lind was in for a real treat, courtesy of Miami's DNME,who are now headlining tonight at Club M (2037 Hollywood Blvd.). The up-and-coming foursome -- which includes VietNom drummer Alex Del Bueno -- just released its first album, Last of a Dying Breed, and the local hardcore kids have eaten it up, packing the halls of any gig the band plays. With influences ranging from American hardcore (Bad Brains) to British street punk (Cockney Rejects) and blood-curdling thrash (Napalm Death), DNME has all its hardcore bases covered. Show begins at 8 p.m. with On Our Own, Know the Score, and Burn What Binds. Admission costs $5. Call 954-925-8396. (JB)

TUE 21Fort Lauderdale laws don't allow for full-frontal nudity, so Gumwrappers (3233 N. Ocean Blvd., Fort Lauderdale) isn't exactly a strip club. It's more like "Coyote Ugly meets CBGBs," according to General Manager Dean Garrow. Which means that the music is thumping, the fun-loving dancers genuinely enjoy rubbing on those poles, and the patrons include almost as many females as dudes. No one takes themselves too seriously in here -- as you can see by the Debbie Gibson-era soft-focus porn on the TVs behind the bar. DJ Mike Mayhem fires up industrial, dark wave, and synth pop jams for the weekly Salvationparty. Call 954-565-9264. (DF)

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