Birds, Bees, and Rock 'n' Roll

Your folks got busy to Foreigner. Here's the play-by-play.

Dropping Bombs

Recently, while stranded at a bus station in Newark, New Jersey (long story), Outtakes found a scrap of paper stuck to the sidewalk by what seemed to be a small nugget of high-grade marijuana. Peeled from the concrete, it read, "Meth -- We gotta get outta here! I'm at a wrap party for Seed of Chuckie, and I'm afraid for our careers. -- Red"

It got Outtakes thinking. Method Man got his breakthrough as a standout MC on Wu-Tang's 1994 ensemble classic, Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers) and has put out a slew of killer solo material. Newark's own Redman has had similar success, from '92's Whut? Thee Album to his latest project, the Gilla House Presents series, he's a chronic rhymesayer and producer of large-scale, skull-rattling beats. The two have been worshiping the weed and working together since the mid-'90s, culminating with 1999's full-length collabo, Blackout!. There's no question about their superstar status on the mic and behind the mixer. But this scribbled note hints that they're finally waking up to a fact everyone else has known for years: These guys are terrible on-screen.

Dizzy with thoughts of another film featuring the Red/Meth combo, Outtakes keeled over, smacked its head on pavement, and blacked out. A weird unconscious reverie followed (cue flashback waves)... There's Redman and Method Man, looming overhead in grotesque, 16-foot, silver-screened glory. Trapped and helpless in a dark, cavernous movie theater, thousands of hip-hop heads are subjected to a Red/Meth movie marathon. Straight outta '98, Belly bursts onto the screen like every other flick from the appropriately named Hype Williams, a heavy-handed coming-of-age story that proves "Method" doesn't apply to the rapper's acting style. Cut to 2001's stonerrific How High, a modern-day Cheech and Chong meets Legally Blonde. The shaky plot -- which takes the perpetually blazed pair to Harvard -- isn't stable enough to roll a blunt on. Fearing the worst, and getting it, this fictitious crowd bears witness to the last straw, last year's Seed of Chucky. Redman plays himself, but there's no way he's saving the Child's Play franchise, even accompanied by Jennifer Tilly's ample assets. Suddenly, the dream theater's roof pulls back and a deep funk-party beat comes down like aural manna from heaven (cue more flashback waves)... And then, Outtakes woke up, still clutching a crumpled piece of paper. But this one had a glossy sheen. It was a flier: Red and Meth are back together, on stage instead of on screen. Relieved and rejuvenated, Outtakes was on the next Greyhound to Florida. Redman and Method Man perform at 9 p.m. Friday, July 29, at Revolution, 200 W. Broward Blvd., Fort Lauderdale. Tickets cost $35 in advance, $39.50 the day of the show. Call 954-727-0950.

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