Your chiseled body is poised like the mighty Atlas -- glutes glistening, calves clenched. At this moment, your shimmering shoulders could bear the world's weight, but that burden is not yours. You have been chosen for a different task: You must model men's biker shorts.
Gods and goddesses will battle for Titan-grade titles in the 26th-annual NPC (National Physique Committee) Fitness and Figure Competitions on Friday at the War Memorial Auditorium (800 NE Eighth St., Fort Lauderdale). Traditional men's categories include the biker-shorts competition, in which the well-waxed wear their most blush-inducing spandex sidekicks. Also pressing for points are the speed chin-up and pushup rounds. But who really has the best bod? The final round will knock all wannabe Adonises on their distressed denim derrières, when these mighty warriors go cheek to cheek in the pose-and-spin "Jeans Competition."
But wait! What good is Adonis without an Aphrodite or Persephone? Female fitness figures are to be rewarded as well! Besides bearing their bronzed bodies in bikinis, these beautiful babes break into choreographed dance, gymnastics, aerobics, or martial arts routines during the high-energy fitness category. Tickets cost $15 to $25. Call 954-828-5380, or visit www.npcsouthernstates.com. -- Jamie Laughlin
Duds for Duffers
Shanks for your contributions
In South Florida, wearing loud, ugly pants is by no means restricted to the golf course. It's just that on the links, the fashion police seem to issue "get out of jail free" cards. Besides, for the golf addict, for whom Needle Park is the driving range, the wearing of seizure-inducing color schemes is an inalienable right. Thank heaven for the Women's Golf Association Charity Golf Tournament and Fashion Preview this Tuesday, beginning at 8:30 a.m. at the Fort Lauderdale Country Club (415 Country Club Cir., Plantation). In an effort to raise some coin for Women in Distress, the WGA will follow the tourney with a luncheon and a chance for putters to peek at fall fashions from Jamie Saddock, Tail, and Lija, after which there'll be a silent auction. The event costs $60 per player (luncheon only is $30). Call Caroline Frank at 954-689-7764. -- John Shannon
Beach, Balls, and Beer
Spiking and drinking on the beach
There has never been a better reason to strip down to your bare essentials than beach volleyball. This summer, Hess Express tours Florida beaches to expose bikinis and board shorts to some vicious spikes in the 100-degree-plus weather. But the Hess Express tourney is known for much more than racking up kills and blocks. The afterparties are what really stand out. Sure, you can get to the beach at 7 a.m. and sweat all day while staring at the backsides of some tanned players, or you can show up at 7 p.m. and take advantage of the live band, wings, and $2.50 Bud Light deals -- and the backsides of some tanned players. This weekend, games are on at Delray Beach (Atlantic Boulevard and A1A). No charge to watch, $50 per team to play. Call 561-241-3801, or visit www.digthebeach.com. -- Jake Smith
High on Rock (Climbing)
Before flying off to Tibet to conquer Mount Everest, practicing on something smaller and closer to home might be a good idea. So join the eXtreme Miami Sports Club as it holds an indoor rock-climbing adventure Sunday at the X-Treme Rock Climbing Center (13972 SW 139th Ct., Kendall). The event starts at 4 p.m. and costs $12. Call 305-233-6623, or visit www.x-tremerock.com. -- Jason Budjinski