What Is the Meaning of Football?

With the right combination of pharmaceuticals, Grasshopper, it's the path to happiness

RW: But --

GG: But nothing. Just stop smoking the skunk. You don't really think you have a choice, do you? You haven't forgotten the small matter of, oh, 8.6 million dollars that you owe the Dolphins. Only I can forgive that debt. [voice turns sinister, Darth Vader-like] Your destiny is with me, Ricky. Think of how powerful you and I can be. Join me again and we'll rule the NFL!

RW: Oh my God, that isn't... is that a wig? And a fake beard? And that's... that's a stock ticker over there in the corner! [with sheer horror] It can't be. Mr. Huizenga? Wayne Huizenga, is that you?

GG [in a conversational tone]: Of course it's me. Who else could afford to buy this monastery? Buddhists are hell to negotiate with, but I went ahead and bought the whole mountain. Just had to grease a few wheels in the Nepalese government. Now I'm working a deal to get some luxury condos built up here. The property value is gonna triple. [his voice turns sinister again] Now listen to me.

RW: No!

GG: I have something to tell you.

RW: Leave me alone!

GG [lording over him]: Rick, I am your owner.

RW [crumpling into a fetal position]: This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

GG: You will report back to the Dolphins in July. You will be loaded on prescription medication. You will tell them all that you're glad to be back... that, in fact, you are "content" and "happy." You will even pretend you feel remorse for what you did to me and my team.

RW: I won't do it! I swear I won't do it!

GG: And you'll fill up the seats! People love you, Ricky. And the people who hate you love you even more. You give them something to talk about. Sports columnists make fools out of themselves moralizing about you. Can they do that with, say, Peyton Manning? No, because Manning has the personality of a vending machine. He's like Dan Marino without the piercing wit. Terrell Owens? An idiotic ego with hands. They're all fools, Ricky. Fools! But not you. You're unpredictable. You're real. You're destructive. You're brilliant. You're an all-time great back. And you're all mine.

RW: I'm outta here.

GG: Go ahead and run, Ricky. Run. I'll see you at camp.

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