By Ashley Zimmerman
By Dana Krangel
By John Hood
By Ashley Zimmerman
By David Von Bader
By Sayre Berman
By Steve Brennan
By Ashley Zimmerman
Jesus: Ascended Karn Hattin in Galilee to deliver his "Sermon on the Mount," telling the decent-sized crowd, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God." Since that time, the world has been embroiled in an endless procession of wars, persecution, and genocide much of which has been undertaken in Jesus' name.
Bono: Ascended the foothills of Colorado to the Red Rocks Amphitheatre during a torrential downpour, where, in front of a sold-out crowd, he waved a huge white flag to dramatically symbolize the need for a peaceful resolution to the troubles in Northern Ireland. Twenty years later, the IRA is all but dissolved and a permanent state of calm seems to have taken hold in Northern Ireland.
Jesus: Turned water into wine.
Bono: Turned lousy lyrics by Salman Rushdie into a good song ("The Ground Beneath Her Feet").
Jesus: Clashed with the Pharisees, condemning them as self-righteous and hypocritical, and engaged in contentious meetings with them, after which the Pharisees hated him even more.
Bono: Met with ultraconservative Republican Senators Jesse Helms, Rick Santorum, and Orrin Hatch to discuss solutions to the global AIDS crisis, after which Helms called Bono "an enormously impressive gentleman."
Jesus: Multiplied loaves of bread and some fish to feed 5,000 people at Tabgha.
Bono: Through countless charitable organizations, speaking engagements, and benefit concerts, has worked to multiply the amount of food and monetary donations sent to Africa, which has helped feed millions.
Jesus: Raised Lazarus from the dead.
Bono: Raised U2 from the dead after the Popmart tour debacle.
Winner: Jesus, by the slightest of margins
Jesus: During his lifetime, had only a small contingent of loyal supporters.
Bono: Has already amassed untold millions of loyal fans, selling nearly 150 million albums and regularly packing gigantic stadiums around the world.
Jesus: Crucified just once by the Romans for blasphemy.
Bono: Crucified countless times by rock critics, comedians, former fans, and Henry Rollins for pomposity.
Overall winner: Bono. *
*This is meant purely as satire and should provide no grounds for Bono's ego to grow any larger. Michael Alan Goldberg
U2 plays at 7:30 p.m. Sunday and Monday, November 13 and 14, at American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. Tickets are sold out. Call 786-777-1000.
Good morning, guys. You must be... let me check my schedule... Wait, there must be some mistake. It says my appointment is with "Mae," but you're, like, a band of dudes. What? That is your name? OK... I guess that's cool. I mean, Alice Cooper was a guy. Anyway, I've got a real treat for you the rock-o-meter from Rock 'n' Roll High School. You know, the one that tests a patient's reaction to various levels of rock-itude, from muzak to punk.
From preliminary tests I ran on your new album, The Everglow, I regret to inform you that your RIQ (rock-itude quotient) falls between Debbie Boone and Donnie Osmond. Obviously, that would require some heavy treatment, but we'll get to that later. For now, I want each of you to put on these headphones.
This song is "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. It measures a mere 4 on the rock-o-meter and, hence, shouldn't trigger much of a response.
[Song starts] Interesting. I've witnessed plenty of gag reflexes caused by that song but never anything resembling fear. I'm almost afraid to play you this next song, but what the heck here's "I Kill Everything I Fuck" by G.G. Allin. Ready? [Song starts] Now, if this doesn't get a response, then... Wait, are those tears? Are you crying? Oh, for crissakes this is why I gave up pediatrics!
Look, I understand you're not trying to be hard-edged rock. But I'd be failing in my duties as a sonic surgeon if I didn't make a suggestion: Either bone up on the rock or fully embrace your feminine side. You remind me of a transgendered patient who wanted new anatomy but was scared of that final cut. I'm here to let you know it's OK you don't have to carry the burden of a half-hard appendage. The only alternative is to hope the clinical researchers at Fender develop a testosterone pedal.
Findings: Imagine Weezer with Rivers Cuomo's nuts caught in his zipper. Diagnosis: Eroctile Dysfunction. Treatment: Limp on over this Wednesday, November 16, to the Culture Room (3045 N. Federal Hwy., Fort Lauderdale). Tickets cost $12. The show starts at 7 p.m., with Mashlin, Mute Math, and Circa Survive. Call 954-564-1074. Doc Le Roc
Calling the Witness
Tim McTague, guitarist for UnderOath, place your right hand on the Bible and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth...