Getting Personal

Think rock stars are sluts? You're not wrong.

Count 2: Loitering. Witness: Popular sentiment. Let the court find that a has been is partially defined by the inability to produce new material. Sure, the Knack is a one-hit wonder, but it's certainly not for a lack of solid tunes. Have you not heard 2001's Normal As the Next Guy or 1998's Zoom? In a just world, these albums would have topped the pop charts. It's not Fieger's fault that people would rather listen to emo-pop than power-pop. Opinion: Not guilty.

Count 3: Overage rocking. Witnesses: Young whippersnappers and snooty rock critics. So you think the Knack is too old to do shows, eh? Let me present exhibits A (U2), B (the Rolling Stones), and C (the Buzzcocks or any old punk band). Or better yet, exhibit D (Coldplay), proof that you're never too young to not rock. Opinion: Next.

Count 4: Solicitation of minors. Witness: Anyone who bought the Knack's 1980 sophomore LP ...But the Little Girls Understand. While all evidence is purely contextual, the creepiness factor alone warrants investigation. However, in light of more recent evidence — Zoom's "Mister Magazine" — I'll have to assume that Fieger's fantasies are simple voyeurism. Opinion: Not guilty.

Knack frontman Doug Fieger: "You want the scarf? You can't handle the scarf!"
Knack frontman Doug Fieger: "You want the scarf? You can't handle the scarf!"

Final verdict: The Court finds insufficient evidence for a conviction. The Knack is free to rock. But not even the late Johnnie Cochran could save them from doing time at the wash. — Jason Budjinski

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