Getting Personal

Think rock stars are sluts? You're not wrong.

Ah, Valentine's Day — that one day a year when you can say, "Baby, I love you as much as a diamond pendant from Zales."

Or, if you're one of the unlucky ones: Ah, Valentine's Day — that one day a year when the loneliness actually gets worse. That's because finding love ain't as easy as the movies make it seem. Hell, even rock stars have to turn to the Internet to get laid these days. A few forlorn schmucks shared what they were looking for with New Times, just in case Mr. or Mrs. Right is out there reading.

Tyson Ritter (All-American Rejects): "My name is Tyson Ritter. I enjoy a nice finishing wine, a large bed, and a woman with a sexy split down her dress. I often scuba, juggle, polo, and croquet. I need someone who's on her toes and can funnel shots."

Knack frontman Doug Fieger: "You want the scarf? You can't handle the scarf!"
Knack frontman Doug Fieger: "You want the scarf? You can't handle the scarf!"

Rachel Minton (Zolof the Rock & Roll Destroyer): "Hey!! My name is Rachel, and I front the band Zolof the Rock & Roll Destroyer. By the name of my band, you can tell that I'm a bit on the kooky side, and I tend to surround myself with similar characters. I despise superficiality, but I think that cute personalities are hot. If you think I'm the girl for you, you better like hockey, beer, and be able to rival me in Blades of Steel."

Shawn Harris (The Matches): "I'm Shawn. I play in a band called the Matches. If you really are a cute girl and not an ex-trucker sitting in your skivvies, posing under the aegis of a scanned JC Penney's underwear model, planning to rendezvous, beat me up, and nick my wallet, that's a plus. I like dark hair and long legs (but not in conjunction), Jolie lips, vegan is a plus, and, uh, Herpes Simplex B is OK. Oral. Don't trip; like, 70 percent of people have it. I have a Valtrex sponsorship and will hook you up."

Marty Larson-Xu (Rock 'n' Roll Soldiers): "My name is Marty, and I love to party. Any girl is good for me as long as she is willing to go out and drink. I love to eat — burritos, Thai food, bananas, and candy play a huge role in my life. I also love college girls and prefer if they have nothing to do with the music/entertainment industry."

Steve E. Nix (The Briefs): "I'm into hanging out at the Space Needle, blotter acid, burritos, and fuckin'. I play guitar like a wild panther! I'm pretty skinny, but I'm currently trying to put on a few pounds. The reason I have such a hang-up with authority is that I hate being told what to do by a bunch of fuckers."

Roy Berry (Lucero): "I hit things with sticks, drink on the job, and I'm a bit tattooed. My name is Roy, I'm the drummer for Lucero, and I have my own army. I enjoy the in- and outdoors, audio experimentation, doing things that I haven't done before, intending to read more than I do, and drunken text messages. Seeking a sweet, hot, occasionally surly female logician who's possibly a well-disguised vampire (18-38)."

Tripp Underwood (The Unseen): "SPRD (single punk rock dude) seeks leather and spikes counterpart. Hobbies include drinking, making old people and mall security guards nervous, and smashing the imperialistic state. I'm into tattered clothes, outrageous hair, obnoxious behavior, and blaming the government for my lack of employment opportunities. If I sound like the guy for you, call 888-8889. But not after 10, 'cause my mom goes to bed kinda early." — Cole Haddon

A.P. Bee-Yotch!

Stolen: Equipment and costumes pilfered from local nasty-ass rapper Blowfly. While on tour in South Carolina, thieves raided his band's van, putting a temporary kibosh on that special visual appeal (see photo). Woe to anyone who dons Blowfly's mask. In fact, the man threatens: "If you have this stuff, motherfucker, I'm putting a curse on your dick! Until you return it, you won't be able to get hard unless you're looking at Michael Jackson!" — Jeff Stratton

My Subpoena

The criminal justice system, when it actually works, carefully weighs hard evidence before handing out a sentence. The musical justice system, on the other hand... well, there isn't one. If there were, former chart-toppers the Knack — the band behind the 1979 hit "My Sharona" — might not be serving a life sentence in the rock 'n' roll penitentiary known as the Dog Wash Circuit. Yes, this weekend, while the rest of us are getting ready for the Super Bowl, the Knack is playing with Loverboy and the Average White Band at the Safe Harbor Celebrity Dog Wash. I'll give you a few seconds to mull that one over.

Now that the stakes are laid out, let's determine whether the punishment fits the crime. In the past 27 years, Knack frontman Doug Fieger and company have been charged with everything short of payola. Oh, wait — that's mentioned here too. So for the first time, I'm calling into session the Supreme Court of Rock. Can I get a witness?

Count 1: Prostitution. Witness: Jello Biafra, testifying on behalf of Dead Kennedys Inc. The first charge levied against the Knack came in the form of the Dead Kennedys' 1980 gag "Pull My Strings," a "My Sharona" parody in which Biafra substitutes "Sharona" with "payola," likening the pop stars to conniving businessmen. Opinion: In light of Biafra's own big-bucks business (Alternative Tentacles Records), self-promotional stunts (he once appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show), and more pressing legal issues (suing his former bandmates [and losing]), Biafra's in no shape to appear in court right now. I'm throwing this one out.

Count 2: Loitering. Witness: Popular sentiment. Let the court find that a has been is partially defined by the inability to produce new material. Sure, the Knack is a one-hit wonder, but it's certainly not for a lack of solid tunes. Have you not heard 2001's Normal As the Next Guy or 1998's Zoom? In a just world, these albums would have topped the pop charts. It's not Fieger's fault that people would rather listen to emo-pop than power-pop. Opinion: Not guilty.

Count 3: Overage rocking. Witnesses: Young whippersnappers and snooty rock critics. So you think the Knack is too old to do shows, eh? Let me present exhibits A (U2), B (the Rolling Stones), and C (the Buzzcocks or any old punk band). Or better yet, exhibit D (Coldplay), proof that you're never too young to not rock. Opinion: Next.

Count 4: Solicitation of minors. Witness: Anyone who bought the Knack's 1980 sophomore LP ...But the Little Girls Understand. While all evidence is purely contextual, the creepiness factor alone warrants investigation. However, in light of more recent evidence — Zoom's "Mister Magazine" — I'll have to assume that Fieger's fantasies are simple voyeurism. Opinion: Not guilty.

Final verdict: The Court finds insufficient evidence for a conviction. The Knack is free to rock. But not even the late Johnnie Cochran could save them from doing time at the wash. — Jason Budjinski

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