Feel the Noise

You've heard noise before, but you've never heard noise like this.

Proposal:Rock-a-Wear clothing line Execution:Under the assumption that a void worth filling is redneck fashion, Rock brainstorms a new clothing line. Highlights include extra crotch jeans and Aye-talian silk wifebeaters. Tattoo coupons included. Problem: Agent alerts Rock to potential lawsuit from "other" similarly named fashion line.

Proposal: "Son of God" tour. Execution: Down but certainly not out, Rock decides to turn to what he knows best — touring. Some call him the "Son of Detroit," so he decides to step it up a notch to attract the Christian youth market. Problem:Self-proclaimed "American Bad Ass" realizes the last thing he'd want to do is offend Dubya and the conservative right.

Proposal:So Not Kidding, the Kid Rock biopic. Execution: If he can't be Christ, at least he can be a movie star. All the finest of Hollywood will be cast, and the true story of Robert Ritchie will be told, from the days of the kid Kid onward. Of course, he'll play himself as the modern-day Rock. Problem: Executives inform Rock that he was already in an all-too-similar movie. It starred David Spade and was called Joe Dirt.

Proposal:Twisted Brown's Redneck Rocket Fuel. Execution: Venturing into the same market where Lil' Jon, Nelly, and the Kabbalah Center have found success, Rock concocts an energy drink named after his backing group, the Twisted Brown Trucker Band. Problem: No one wants to drink a beverage with the words twisted and brown on the label.

Proposal:Joe-C-Juice. Execution:Second try: an energy drink named after his diminutive former sidekick. The tagline: "Big ups to the little guy!" Problem: No one wants to drink a beverage with a picture of a dead midget on the label.

Proposal:Live Trucker, the album. Execution:After a few multiplatinum records, countless singles, and the requisite hits collection, Rock releases a throwaway live album in an effort to squeeze a few more dollars out of his mindlessly adoring fan base. Problem: Other than the typical fleecing rock stars often inflict on their public, none. Live Trucker is set to drop February 28 on Atlantic Records. Austin L. Ray

Kid Rock plays at 7 p.m. Thursday, February 16, at Hard Rock Live, 1 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Tickets cost $47.50. Call 954-523-3309.

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