Big Breasts and Cold Champagne in the Penthouse

The sheer massiveness of mammaries at Bova leaves us flummoxed.

As long as everyone else was indulging in their vices, I would too. I hightailed it over to the three cutest guys in the place. All of them musicians. (Score!)

Jay, 22, a personal trainer originally from Costa Rica, revealed that besides being a bassist, he was in school for international business and trade.

"Is that code for drug dealing?" I asked.

With a laugh, his 26-year old, guitar-playing buddy, Jimi (also a personal trainer), set me straight: "Actually, we're thinking of starting a Costa Rican escort service called Twenty Something Escorts."

So they were here doing research? Were they here for an audience with the CEO of Penthouse (who was curiously below my radar all night) or an interview with the pets?

"We're just here for the free food and booze," Jimi freely admitted. "There's a lot of old people here. The only women I'm attracted to work here, and they're only nice to me because they work here."

Adam, their 24-year-old drummer chum, was so boldly anti-fashion in his red trucker hat and unassuming casual clothes that he had me at "Hey."

When I noticed three young attractive girls, I decided to be selfless and play Yenta to the two seemingly perfectly matched threesomes. I introduced two of the guys (Jimi had left for the restroom) to two of the girls. Nicole, however, informed me my plan was flawed.

"We're married with kids," she confessed.

Denise chimed in, "Yup, we're MILFs."

When Jimi returned from the restroom, he had some news: "Hey, the president of Penthouse was just in the men's room."

"Did he wash his hands?" I asked, digging for the dirt.

Jimi thought for a second, "No, he didn't."

Well, that clinched it. I certainly wasn't going out of my way to introduce myself.

As I was preparing to reclaim the Night Rider mobile from the valet, I noticed that many of the autographed headshots of the pets had been abandoned on the outdoor tables. I picked up one to examine it. It was signed "2 Vincent," and its recipient said I was welcome to it.

But I wanted more — that elusive definition I'd wondered about all night: "Is a naked picture of a woman porn?"

Vincent didn't hesitate: "No, it's a picture of a naked girl. Porn is a photo or video of people having sex."

"So if they're not porn stars, then what would you call them?"

"What do you call someone who takes advantage of a situation?"

"An opportunist."

"Exactly."

Since I'd received the invitation, I had thought the combination of nude opportunists and chichi "ristorante" was an odd one until Vincent helped me see that in South Florida, the two were meant for each other. Like straws and champagne.

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