Beach Blanket Beeyotch

Memorial Day mayhem in Miami

Outtakes has long been fascinated by Memorial Day Weekend in South Beach, AKA Urban Beach Week — even if the past couple of years have looked more like Sausage Week, what with the lack of ladies strutting about (the usual groups of naive 15-year-olds notwithstanding). Given that people come by the Impala-load down to South Beach year after year, here's a heads-up on what to do, what not to do, and what to expect.

Street Performance

First off, even though this is allegedly hip-hop weekend, don't expect a whole lot of street-corner ciphers, cardboard-on-the-floor b-boys, over-the-top DJs, or big-time throw-up artists. Sure, those are the four elements of hip-hop culture, but this weekend's about the lesser elements — getting laid, getting tanked, yelling at strangers, proving you're hard, and showin' off your bling.

Five thousand bucks for a seat?
Alvaro Diaz-Rubio
Five thousand bucks for a seat?
Five thousand bucks for a seat?
Steven Tackeff
Five thousand bucks for a seat?

Rims

When it comes to wheels, forget about 22-inch rims or even 24-inch rims — you need to get some 28s, bitch. Expect plenty of Donk aficionados to be showin' off their latest hubcaps. If you're lucky, you'll catch a glimpse or two of some Pimpstar wheels — you know, the ones that display computer images via a wireless modem inside the wheel. Not bad for almost 20 grand a set, right?

People-Watching

Be on the lookout for nervous-looking tourists, especially families from Idaho. There's a reason they got that discounted travel package, only it doesn't come with a free Paul Wall grill. Also, watch for homeless minstrels, dancers, street poets, and that one smelly dude who always hangs out on Washington Avenue.

Drop the 'Tude

If someone stares you down or gives you the bird, it's a good idea to let it go. Just drive away. Oh, and make sure you're not completely sauced when you do it. You don't want to get arrested with that "18-year-old" honey in your back seat. Chances are, you don't have the high-priced lawyer R. Kelly does to beat a statutory rape case. — D. SirianniSky Beef

Unless you're a headline junkie or celebrity news fiend, you probably missed the item about DMX's May 13 arrest at London's Heathrow Airport. After all, the only crime the bald, gruff rapper born Earl Simmons committed was being obnoxious during the flight — not the most gangsta thing to get busted for. He spent a few hours in the clink and was let off with a caution. But that's only half the story, says an American Airlines flight attendant who spoke with Outtakes about the incident (and wishes to remain anonymous). What the wire reports glossed over was the thing that prompted DMX's outburst in the first place — a beef. Sure, hip-hop feuds are a dime a dozen, as are sky rage incidents. But this is no mere battle of rap-star egos, our flight attendant friend assures us.

"There was a patient involved in a medical emergency — a woman in her late 60s who had low blood pressure," the attendant says. "We moved her up front, on the aisle across from DMX. He was being loud and using profanity, complaining that he paid $5,000 for a seat. The woman said, 'Why don't you grow up and let the flight attendant do his job?' DMX said, 'Shut up and mind your fucking business.' So I jumped in and told him, if he doesn't shut his mouth, I'll have the captain get the police. He said, 'Get the motherfucking police — I don't give a damn.' So I told the captain. When cops came to get him, he started acting like a badass, saying, 'I didn't do nothing. '"

Apparently, DMX, whose career has been less-than-stellar of late, was in rare form even before the flight began.

"When he boarded at JFK, he was on his cell phone being loud, like he was mad at whoever he was talking to. I told him to keep his voice down and not use profanity. While waiting to take off, he started air-boxing."

And the fun continued.

"He was saying, 'Motherfuck this, motherfuck that.' He was mad because he couldn't find his headset. Then he started complaining about paying $5,000 for a seat. Everyone looked at him like, 'Yeah, so did we — so what?'"

That's good stuff, right? Why didn't the news reports mention any of this?

"I talked to an AP reporter," the flight attendant says. "He said they were trying to avoid making more of it because sometimes [rap/rock stars] try to do these things for attention."

Ah, so maybe that's what this fiasco is all about: lagging album sales. Jason BudjinskiThe Embrace Between

It's been nearly five years since standup comic and actor Judah Friedlander(American Splendor, The Darwin Awards, Feast) incited a national hugging craze with the video for the Dave Matthews Band's hit single "Everyday." Since that time, Friedlander has compiled a series of behind-the-scenes photos at www.judahfriedlander.com and continues to marvel at the video's long-lasting impact. While Outtakes couldn't score a hug from the cuddle-meister, we were granted an interview.

Outtakes: How did DMB rate as huggers, both individually and as a group?

Judah Friedlander: Boyd was the only one who didn't get a boner. So I'd say his hug was the best and least awkward. Just kidding; they were all cool. Some guys were harder to hug than others because I was hugging them while they were playing their instruments and singing, and I didn't want to mess them up.

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