After you receive your rations, it's customary to sample the food on-site and to compliment the volunteers. "I've had no better," you might say, "since my personal chef accompanied me to my chalet in Lausanne." Mention of cool locales will raise staff morale.
Wink at your county benefactors and say a little prayer that postal delivery doesn't resume any time soon. Any excuse to put off paying your platinum card until your trust fund payment kicks in, eh, old boy?
When it comes to pithiness, former Miami New Times writer Steve Almond has always cranked it out like horsepower on a NASCAR track. Almond made a few waves recently when he resigned his teaching position at Boston College in protest over the school's choice of Condoleezza Rice as commencement speaker.
Almond has always had a way of telling it straight up, and the 'Pipe fondly recalls his classic piece from 1994 about the life of H. Wayne Huizenga, the garbage-collection-to-Marlins-owning mogul. The story opens with the 22-year-old Huizenga, then a door-to-door salesman of sorts, coming to blows with an unwitting customer. Huizenga managed to grab and twist the man's testicles, actions for which a jury later awarded the homeowner $1,000 in damages.
Huizenga learned a valuable lesson from that incident, Almond concluded: "When met with resistance, don't get caught grabbing the opposition by the balls have someone else do it."
Almond himself, however, goes for the gonads directly and succinctly, as he did in an open letter of resignation to the Catholic college published in the Boston Globe on May 12. "Simply put, Rice is a liar," he wrote. "She has lied to the American people knowingly, repeatedly, often extravagantly over the past five years, in an effort to justify a pathologically misguided foreign policy. She is a diplomat whose central allegiance is not to the democratic cause of this nation, but absolute power."
And then, the final bitter twist: "This is the woman to whom you will be bestowing an honorary degree, along with the privilege of addressing the graduating class of 2006." As told to Edmund Newton