Rush's Airport Boner

Returning from a short trip to the Dominican Republic, Rush Limbaugh was briefly detained at Palm Beach International Airport on Monday when the radio host admitted to a customs agent that the Viagra he was carrying was his, even though it was prescribed to another person. On his radio show Tuesday, Limbaugh referred to his excursion as a "guys' weekend." News reports have focused on whether Limbaugh violated the supervision he agreed to after his alleged painkiller prescription abuse. But we focused on, er, bigger issues. Which is why New Times presents:

Rush Limbaugh's Top Ten Reasons for Smuggling Contraband Viagra into the Dominican Republic

1. The answer to high gas prices: off-shore drilling.

2. Tired of being called "Limpaugh" by the rest of the guys.

3. Surprise entry at the All-Caribbean cockfighting championships.

4. Extra lung capacity helps on the Hispaniola Peak-to-Peak marathon.

5. After three mojitos, Ann Coulter still isn't looking any better.

6. New meat: We've already screwed Haiti.

7. Guys' weekend tropical fun: Who's got the biggest banana?

8. Hurricane season must-haves: hand-held radios, can openers, and erections.

9. Little-known side effect of a raging Oxycontin habit: flaccid city.

10. Tired of being intimidated by Bob Dole in his Speedos.

Got your own suggestions for Rush and his little blue pills? Sure you do! Send them in to feedback@newtimesbpb.com, and we'll give away a weekend in Santo Domingo to the author of the best one!*

(*Not really. A T-shirt or hat is more like it. But it's nice to dream about a Dominican frat-boy frolic with Rush and the boys, ain't it?)