This Means War

Boot Camp Clik brings the battle to Fort Lauderdale

Mimi

Dear Mariah Carey,

I've thought long and hard about writing this letter, and to be honest, I'm still not convinced it's the best idea. After all, you're not exactly the most "stable" person in music, and, well, I've had enough crazy in my life to know when I shouldn't be messing with crazy. Nevertheless, crazy chicks are freaky chicks, and God knows, I love me a freaky chick. You know, just as long as they don't go all nutty like a candy bar on me — like you did on Eminem. I mean, really, were you surprised when he played your voice-mails live? If anything's going to happen between us, do I have to worry about you writing "Clown II"?

Alvaro Diaz-Rubio

Then again, it's that nuttiness that draws me to you. Not that I want to find a dead rabbit boiling on my stove, but the fact that you'd do such a thing is... it's kind of hot — not as hot as your body, mind you, but hot. By the way, where did you get that body? Back in the day, you used to be this cute, virginal thing completely asexual outside of my fantasies. Now, you ooze sex. I bet you sweat sex — it's like some kind of pheromone to you. The Emancipation of Mimi? That sounds like code for "I want to get freaky." And sometimes, I swear you're singing directly to me.

But I'm confused. I mean, I like you and I want to get to "know" you better. But do we really belong together? I can't say for sure yet. That's a decision that requires a lot more alone time. So how about if we vacation together — just you, me, and your wardrobe? I doubt you need more than a carry-on since everything you own couldn't collectively clothe a family of dwarfs. If our boat sank and we were stranded on an island together with nothing but your wardrobe to protect us from the elements, we'd have maybe half a tent. But that's all right. I know you might be battier than the Batcave, but maybe, just maybe, you're the right kind of crazy for me. So let's give this a shot, Mariah.

Yours, possibly,

Cole Haddon

P.S.: I forgive you for Glitter. Really. Mariah Carey performs with special guest Busta Rhymes at 8 p.m. Saturday, August 5, at American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. Tickets cost $17.50 to $127.50. Visit www.ticketmaster.com.

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