Happy Deathday, Kid

Nothing will ruin a little girl's birthday party faster than the presence of a dead man.

Nobody from Playgirl, which is published by Crescent Publishing in New York, returned Tailpipe's calls.

"I should get a complimentary fucking blowjob," Christopher fumed.

Footnote: After repeated queries by Tailpipe, the club dug into its petty-cash drawer and gave Timothy his prize.

"I was TOTALLY invited"
"I was TOTALLY invited"

The Egg and Jeff

File this under "Information that you may not need or even want but that the 'Pipe is providing for the edification of the public."

Jeffrey Epstein, the 53-year-old billionaire who was arrested last month for soliciting prostitutes in his Palm Beach mansion, was an absolute turnoff for one of his alleged teenaged sex partners.

According the Palm Beach Police Department's probable-cause affidavit, the young woman discovered Epstein's member to be, uh, odd-looking. "Deformed," she told the cops, describing her encounter with the money manager who was named one of New York's most eligible bachelors by the New York Post in 2003. "Oval-shaped." Having a hard time picturing this, officers asked her to clarify. "When erect, it was thick toward the bottom but thin and small toward the head portion," she explained. The girl finally described Epstein's manhood as "egg-shaped."

And he's still eligible, girls.

Express Yourself

As letters to the editor go, the LED display in the front window of Rita Olwell Travel in Fort Lauderdale couldn't be more direct: "TRASH JOURNALISM STRIKES AGAIN... DON'T SUPPORT THE NEW EXPRESS INQUIRER..." Tailpipe has been called worse, for sure, but it isn't every day that a paper gets ripped in lights on Sunrise Boulevard.

Seems folks at the agency took umbrage at the Express News' July 8 story about Rita Olwell owner Agopijean Jacob Torossian's being charged with two counts of grand theft and criminal use of personal information. Those are, in the words of Torossian's domestic and business partner, Mike Dareing, "bullshit charges," all based on a misunderstanding with American Express.

What really riled Rita Olwell's dander, though, was the way the Express, South Florida's largest gay newspaper, used some of the agency's former employees as sources.

Paul Stalbaum, who in the article was identified as a former sales agent and a sometimes writer for the Express-owned 411 Magazine, said he left Rita Olwell because of "questionable ethics" at the agency. Dareing contends that Stalbaum was fired. He also would have liked the story to mention that Stalbaum now promotes a cruise for "bears" (loosely defined, gay men with stockier bodies and an aversion to razors) similar to the one Rita Olwell still runs, Bear Voyage, that Stalbaum started.

Reached by Tailpipe, Stalbaum contends that the cruises aren't competitors and, without providing details, reasserted that he left because he didn't like the way the business was run.

"How do I say this?" he asked. "I needed to protect myself and my clients."

Criminal trials have a way of dulling any axes that need grinding. In the meantime, the scrolling sign reminds passersby, "BEAR VOYAGE IS UP TO NEARLY 500 BEARS!" That's voyage as in bon voyage.

Bear voyage, kids.

—As told to Edmund Newton

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