By Francisco Alvarado
By Trevor Bach
By Chris Joseph
By Michael E. Miller
By Allie Conti
By Keegan Hamilton and Francisco Alvarado
By Jake Rossen
By Allie Conti
In the crowded field of political candidates in this electoral season, there are four who have emerged as great hopes for our democracy.
They have overcome character issues and moral deficiencies that would have crippled ordinary people. They have shown, in heroic fashion, that they aren't encumbered with and certainly won't be stopped by that dismal duo of human weaknesses known as shame and conscience.
After making shady career choices, forging bonds with felons, and, in one special case, paving the way for the decline of America and much destruction around the world, they continue to chug along, gallantly oblivious to the fact that, by all rights, they should have no quarter in public service.
But America is free, and these candidates remind us of that freedom, in its most outrageous and extreme forms, at every turn. And for that, we salute them.
Now let's meet our own Fantastic Four.
The Millionaire Man
Who is Jordan Howard Jordan? Well, he used to be named Jordan H. Breslaw until he changed it in the early 1990s. Now he wants to be a Broward County judge. Oh, and he's also a "successful millionaire doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, author, soccer coach, and chef."
How do we know that? He tells us so himself at the start of his book, How to Raise Millionaire Children, which he self-published early this year and is marketing through an infomercial campaign.
Well, that takes care of the "author" and "entrepreneur" boasts, I suppose. But what about doctor? Well, he's a chiropractor. That counts, doesn't it? And he's a lawyer too, according to the Florida Bar.
In fact, his legal and medical business finds great confluence in the realm of ambulance-ch, er, I mean personal-injury law. He claims in his book bio that he has "had the privilege of helping numerous clients receive hundreds of thousands of dollars in compensation for their personal injuries."
And on top of that, he appears as an expert witness in personal injury trials, making $350 to $1,000 an hour. Good man!
As for being a millionaire, he owns a house in Coral Springs worth more than half a mil, so I'm guessing he's telling the truth about that too. And it should be noted that he tells that particular truth over and over again in his book, referring to himself repeatedly as a self-made millionaire.
Yet he claims he doesn't care a whit about making money on the book.
"I have no interest in selling books," he writes. "My only interest is in helping your child be a millionaire."
Told you he was a good man. Jordan is just a simple self-made millionaire who wants all the little boys and all the little girls to grow up to be millionaires like him. Taken that way, it's something of a motivational book, in the vein of one of his heroes, famous "life coach" Anthony Robbins.
Jordan writes in his book that Robbins taught him "how to build rapport with people; how to meet your soul mate; how to be a millionaire; how to live like a king..."
But it's his mom and dad, Lenore and Herb, who deserve the real credit.
"With special parents like that, it is no wonder I am a doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, self-made millionaire and my children are on the right track," he writes, adding that he was nurtured in a "millionaire environment."
So how do you teach your kids to become millionaires? Let Jordan explain the basic physics of the millionaire equation.
"In order to be a millionaire, you don't become a millionaire," he writes. "To become, you have to act as if. If you act as if, your brain doesn't know the difference between truth and reality and starts to function like a millionaire. Once your brain believes it's a millionaire, your body starts to act like a millionaire. Once you act congruently like a millionaire, the world will become a mirror image of what you are and, presto! you're a millionaire."
See how simple it is? This guy has successful politician written all over him. Think about it. Once you've mastered the art of tricking your brain not to recognize the truth, you're halfway there. He's probably acting as if he were a judge already. Soon his body will catch on and the world that means us will soon become a mirror image of Jordan's will and elect him to the bench.
Irv the Nerve
When you think of Irv Slosberg, just think of Roberto Benigni without the sense of humor. Slosberg, a slight and balding man who bears a certain resemblance to the Italian comic actor, can be just as hilarious, though on an unintentional level.
The six-year state representative isn't just running to keep his Democratic seat in the Florida House against political upstart Ted Deutch. He's also refrigerating.
That's right. After padding his campaign account with $1.3 million of his own money, the incumbent has formed the Slosberg Emergency Management Aid (SEMA), complete with ten refrigerated trucks packed with ice. He's giving out telephone numbers to seniors to call in case Wilma's bigger, badder sister comes to town.