The Fantastic Four

In this primary season, these political superheroes really stand out.

It takes a big man to jeopardize the welfare of voters while he's grandstanding on the campaign trail.

Can't you see the madcap humor developing? Elderly woman loses air conditioning and electricity. Fading fast, she calls SEMA, only Slosberg's absurdly pathetic little supply of goods is already used up. Elderly woman dies of heat exhaustion, her SEMA card clutched in her cold hand.

How funny is that?

Jim Waldman, party crasher
Jim Waldman, party crasher
Katherine Harris, looking almost human
Katherine Harris, looking almost human

Republican Jim

Jim Waldman is a man who seems to live by the motto that love — of money — conquers all. And that has helped secure him a long career in South Florida politics.

After a lengthy stint as a Coconut Creek commissioner, he's running for the Florida House in the Democratic primary against party loyalist Amy Rose. The question about Waldman — who has raised a record $200,000 for the campaign — isn't whether he's a loyalist but whether he's really a Democrat.

His boss and largest campaign contributor, Arthur Keiser, owner of the quickee colleges that bear his name, is a major Republican. So are many of his other top supporters, including wealthy Bush family friend Mark Guzzetta. So is Waldman's family. So is Waldman himself. Or at least he was before he switched parties to run for City Commission in Democrat-rich Coconut Creek in 1992.

Let's face it: Only in the most brain-dead parts of Broward could a candidate get away with this kind of chicanery. But it gets even better. His business partner and good buddy Bradley Hertz is a convicted Medicare fraud artist. After Hertz was convicted of the crime in 2000 and sent to prison, Waldman took over some of the felon's businesses. In that sense, it's easy to extrapolate that the candidate has profited indirectly from fraud.

Then there's another business associate, Mohammad Salameh, who was arrested for insurance fraud in February. Salameh ran a check-cashing store on a property owned by Waldman. The man got into business with the help of a $50,000 investment from the politician himself.

He not only taketh but he also giveth away. What a kind, unselfish man.

Katherine the Great

If you don't admire Katherine Harris, then you simply don't care about greatness.

This is a woman who duly helped purge minorities from the election rolls and disqualified votes during the 2000 presidential election to help George W. Bush win the presidency. Without her incredible dedication, we might never have had the tax giveaway to the rich, the Iraq War, or the record debt of $8.5 trillion.

So you owe Harris a lot, whether you like her or not. Since then, she's had a makeover to give her an almost human-like appearance and has been elected to Congress as a Republican. Today, she wants your vote in her bid for U.S. Senate.

She's a good woman, with love in her heart. And there's no one who knows that better than her big campaign contributors. She really showed her love with defense contractor MZM Inc. You know, that's the firm that had such a magnificent drive to succeed that it wouldn't let anything as mundane as federal bribery laws get in its way. Ask Randy "Duke" Cunningham, who resigned tearfully from Congress after accepting those bribes (the quitter!).

MZM also didn't mind bundling up illegal campaign contributions — and a lot of them wound up in Harris' till. Harris showed proper gratitude by shilling for the company on Capitol Hill. She also had dinner with MZM founder Mitchell Wade, who has since pleaded guilty to bribery charges. It was a quaint affair, with a tab that ran in excess of $2,800. Wade picked it up, which would seem to be a blatant violation of the $50 Congressional gift limit. But Harris had an answer. She claims she consumed only an appetizer and drink at the lavish dinner that cost less than $100.

She is a petite lady, after all. It was the big fat Wade who scarfed up $2,700 worth of grub and vino, she said.

You don't believe her? Well, who cares?

She's above you. And her gall dazzles, giving her a glow that outshines the glitter in her old bottle of mascara. It's that inward strength, that uncanny ability to trounce triumphantly on everything that is good and decent, that makes her great. It all stems from a strong, lifetime sense of entitlement as the granddaughter of Florida land baron Ben Hill Griffin and an intensive religious indoctrination that included extensive study under noted Christian cult figures like Francis Schaeffer and Bill Gothard. Just over the weekend, she made national news for telling a Baptist journal that separation of church and state is a "lie." She's got God on her side. Isn't that fantastic?

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