Fantastic Duo

Tenacious D's date with destiny

To help raise your spirits, we've come up with a list of the top ten reasons you're better off without your ex-wife, What's Her Name. Don't take this the wrong way: We like your ex-wife (when was her last hit single? 2004?); it's just that we like you better.

So, next time you're sitting all alone in your dressing room, Nick-Nick, just whip this out (the list, that is), and you'll be sure to cheer up. Enjoy!

Reason 10. You'll never again have to explain why your sister-in-law tried to lip-sync on Saturday Night Live.

Reason 9. Kissing will no longer require coordinating a film crew, two publicity reps, and hair and makeup personnel.

Reason 8. The burp factor in your house will go down by 350 percent. (Dude, what were you feeding that girl?)

Reason 7. You don't have to worry if trying to get your wife to clean out her closet will make for good television.

Reason 6. You are no longer, in any way, related to any Simpsons (not Jessica or Ashley, Bart or Homer).

Reason 5. You won't have to comment on your sister-in-law's "I didn't get a nose job, I didn't, I didn't!" nose job.

Reason 4. You'll never have to cringe when your father-in-law publicly, repeatedly, and often without provocation refers to your wife's bouncy double D's.

Reason 3. Paramedics won't need the jaws of life to pry you out of your wife's cleavage the next time her bouncy double D's slam shut on your head when you're trying to get a snuggle (not that that ever happened, of course, but it could have — oh, the horror!).

Reason 2. You don't have to disguise asking your wife for a blowjob with a coy "You know what I like" just because the television cameras are on you 24/7.

Reason 1. You'll never have to celebrate your wedding anniversary on a charity trip to Africa.

Nick, go out and find yourself a nice girl, somebody with no intrusive, lip-synching, nose-jobbing, double D's-fixated family to hinder your happiness. Heck, at least try to find somebody who can spell your last name without a cheat sheet ("Mrs. Leaky, no, no... Mrs. Leechy, no, that's not it! Daddeeee, what the hell is my last name?") Olivia Flores Alvarez

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